Lies, Lies, Lies

My last post was pretty brutal-- deep hidden feelings, fears, things I have hidden away for years.  Some days I want to blame Edmond for those insecurities.  You did this to me.  But the truth of the matter is that I saw in Edmond's actions the confirmation of the lies I already believed in myself.

Yup.  LIES I ALREADY BELIEVED ABOUT MYSELF!  I don't matter; I don't count; I don't have any right to have needs; I am not loveable; I can only rely on me; I am not safe; I can not trust;  LIES! LIES! LIES!  Lies that, if I am honest, exited in my heart long before I even knew Edmond.

There are lots of ways to destroy a soul.  Sin, selfishness, vice.  Yup they will eat away at you.  Lies about your worth, value and importance can destroy you from within--  Lies that seem so appealing because they explain away another's poor behavior.   Lies that comfort and seem to empower you when you feel helpless.  Lies that I carried around like a warm blanket in the frigid hours of despair-- Only the blanket was really tattered, ratty and full of holes.  Oh, how I believed that they would keep me warm.

Basing my life on those lies I became a control freak; I could only feel safe if I accounted for all the details of my life and the lives of my family; I knew and planned ahead for all eventualities, including preparing myself for the negativity I was sure to receive.  If you are prepared for people not liking you, complaining about something, and generally behaving poorly, it doesn't hurt as much when that happens, right?

I became extremely competent-- I am a talented person by nature, but I became exceptional.  Perfection or don't even try.  Exceed expectations daily, moment by moment.  Any minor critique reinforced that even though I gave my all, I was not enough.  Must try harder and do more next time.  And live second by second seeing all the things that were not done perfectly.  Accommodate everyone's demands, wishes and requests.  Do all that I can do to make others happy so they won't see my failings- or at least pray they won't comment about them today.

And when I was too exhausted from running at 90mph to please and beg acceptance from those around me, I would numb out-- distract, avoid, disengage.  Facebook, food, business, pinterest, tv. Anything to avoid feelings and the confirmation that I really am a horrible person.

You see, Edmond didn't do this to me.  I chose to believe and live a lie.  Satan is so smart.  He knows my weakness; he knows Edmond's.  Satan exploited Edmond's weaknesses and turned him to addiction.  Me?  He turned me from the truth.

I found this scripture yesterday that was exactly what happened to me:

Satan seeketh to turn their hearts away from the truth, that they become blinded and understand not he things which are prepared for them. (D&C 78:11)

Brutally honest moment:  I have always known and believed that God loves his children-- yep, you, and you over there and Edmond and my kids, and EVERYONE BUT ME.  I have felt His enormous, awe inspiring love for his children.  But love me, no.  How could I ever believe and trust in a God that I didn't really think loved me like he loves everyone else.  I can honestly say I don't understand the purposes of the Lord.  I don't get what marvelous blessings he has for me.  These verses gave me some comfort.

...ye are as little children and ye have not as yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you; And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. (D&C 78 17-18)

 It is ok that I don't get it.  It is ok that I feel like I am not there yet.  It is ok that I don't feel God's love fully.  I can't bear it now, but the Lord will lead me to his Love.

Effects of Abuse

I finally had the balls to say it.  That word. The A word.  Abuse. That is what I am dealing with.  The after effects of abuse.  Edmond's behavior during addiction was at times abusive.  There I said it. 

Edmond's addiction created trauma in my life, and the healing process just keeps going on.  Being honest about what our relationship was like during Edmond's addiction cycles has opened me up to a whole new, fun adventure.  New because I have never experienced anything like being honest about my feelings.  Fun because I am finally clearing out some of the trash that keeps spewing in my face, without me understanding why.  This is why:  I experienced trauma and the trauma was, well, traumatizing.  And while Edmond is in a healthy great place, that doesn't mean the abuse never happened.

I knew it hurt me.  Duh, but what did the addiction cycles do to me?  What could it do, I didn't even know what was going on.  I used to feel lucky I didn't know about the addiction until Edmond was really serious about coming clean.  You know, fewer disappointments, fewer broken boundaries, fewer lies.  No, no and no.  Fifteen years of lies; years of tearing myself inside out and back right again trying to make things ok when they weren't and not having a clue why- just wishing that if only I (fill in the blank) things will get better.  Years of being at odds with a monster in the room I never could see.

It took me a while to be willing to admit that I was traumatized.  But I see the same behaviors in the kids I work with-- kids who have endured trauma as infants/children and are trying to figure out how to survive in regular families.  I think some of these effects are par for the course.  Doesn't make it any easier though.

I learned:
1. I don't matter.  I don't count; my needs, my wishes, my opinions aren't important.  I am a tool used to care for and meet the needs of other people.  Never my needs/wants.  What do I want?  I have no clue what my preferences are; I am a reflection of what you want.  I am the ultimate object.  (Interesting that with a sex addiction, the objectification goes so much further than just sexual objectification, although that is/can be part of it)

2. I am not enough/ok/lovable. No matter what I do, there is always something I missed, something to improve upon, something I need to be better at.  I must always work harder/do more/be more to receive positive attention.  All this trying and doing more reinforces the concept that I am just an object- a tool.

3. I can only rely on me.  The mental and emotional withdrawals during Edmond's addiction cycles meant that I carried everything.  I owned it all- home, yard, finances, worries, relationships, parenting.  I learned that I could not trust anyone to be there to help me when I needed it most.  Even faith promoting phrases enforced that feeling: pray like it all depends on God and work like it all depends on you.  YUP it does all depend on me. Nobody is there to help me.

4. I am not safe-- I am not safe enough to say what I think, do what I want, parent as I see fit or even feel what I feel.  The consequences of being at odds with Edmond by saying/doing/being/thinking/feeling something that didn't fall into his narrative of the situation was emotional withdrawal, mean looks and criticism.  I only felt safe with my emotions/thoughts/preferences hidden, stuffed down deep where the real me was safe.  Emotions became something to fear, something to avoid, something to hide.  Besides I didn't really matter; I'm just an object, a tool.

Hard. painful feelings:  I am not safe; I can only rely on me; I am not lovable; but all those don't really matter because, I don't matter anyway.

And none of that is really true in the grand scheme of things.  But trauma, abuse, neglect, disregard SHOUT those messages loud and clear.  They scream and chant relentlessly until you give in to their siren song.  You hide, you change, you fear, you cope.  You survive.  Do what it takes to get through each day unscathed.  Pray for strength to do it again, because this is your life, and aren't you supposed to be happy and bloom where you are planted?  Of course.  Pretend to be happy or at least learn to be content.  This is your life.


*I hate ending posts on a sad note, hopeless-- but the trauma part of my life was like this and I want it to be an accurate reflection of that part of me.

Like Drift Wood

I grew up near the water front and as a child loved to play on the beaches of the Pacific Northwest.  The water was always frigid even on the warmest July days.  But the warmth of the sun balanced the cool wetness of the rocky beach.  I spent hours exploring the woods near the water, jumping, running, laughing.  My brothers and I would pick up drift wood sticks, washed white and smooth by the pounding of the waves and sand alternating with the baking heat of the sun.  These sticks were pirate knives and we were ready to fight to protect our beach head from invaders from the sea.  At day's end as the sky was darkening and night cast shadows, we would leave our booty behind, retreating to the light and warmth of our home.


I keep thinking of that smooth wood.  The beating it took over the years that turned it from a rough bark encrusted piece of wood into a smooth almost polished beauty.  I am sure the sand, and the wind, and the rain and the sun were not comfortable to that humble piece of wood.  Soaking and wet then baking dryness; lashing winds and salt eroding away at its surface.  But a work of beauty and calm lies underneath waiting to be exposed.

Today I feel like that beat up piece of wood- not so patiently waiting for the sun and sand and wind to let up.  Crawling knee deep in the muck, the seaweed and stink.  Wanting it all to go away, but knowing that all this is necessary for me to be what I want -- that smooth and beautiful piece of driftwood--

Remembering today that healing takes time.

Sharing the Journey

Journey to Elizabeth's, by Rose Datoc Dall, portrays the virgin Mary journeying with determination to visit her cousin Elizabeth.  These women were drawn together and shared a unique burden.  Both would mother men destined for greatness; both births were miraculous; both mothers would mourn the loss of their sons.  Both women were chosen vessels of the lord.  Beautiful wonderful women-- with intense, heavy burdens to carry.  Each needed the strength of the other to be able to fulfill their tasks.

I love the peaceful determination depicted on Mary's face.  She is walking confidently despite the uncertainty in her life-- would Joseph still marry me?  What will my life be like now?  No doubt Mary's burden was a substantial one to carry.  Yet she walked forward, seeking solace and comfort from one who could understand.  She faced her journey and shared it with a friend.

A dear friend gifted me this beautiful piece of artwork for Christmas.  She has been a friend and confidant as I have journeyed toward healing.  A journey and a friendship that began long before Edmond confided his addiction. This dear friend has loved me and listened to me for years.

She carries a burden too.  Hurt and pain that penetrate the soul.  That's what I am learning.  We all carry unimaginable hurt and grief and process it in our own ways.  But the beauty of life is in the journey we share with each other.  A journey where we move toward peace, together.

Sister To Sister..

Recently I was asked by a friend to share with the sisters in her ward any tips for navagating the healing process when a loved one is addicted to pornography.  Just sharing the letter I wrote, From one sister to another...

Dear Friend,

Last year I learned that my spouse had been dealing with a sex addiction most of the 16 years we have been married.  This last year, as I have traversed the mountains of adversity, I have felt a sweeping range of emotions.  Pain and loneliness.  Hope and joy.  Comfort and sorrow almost in the same breath.  I wanted today to share a few things that have helped me on my journey.

1.  I can only fix me--  Nothing I do or say can fix my spouse/loved one.  He must choose to allow the Savior to heal him.  I had to let go of the illusion that I am the center of the universe and that I have power to solve his problems if only I.... (fill in the blank).  I can only work on me and my issues.

2.  I have just as many issues as my spouse.. just not addiction issues.  My path to healing and forgiveness was just as important as my spouses'.  I needed the healing balm of our Savior's love just as much as he did. I need to rely on the Savior to guide my path just as much as my addict still does.  Don't deny yourself the blessings the Lord has for you because you feel like your pain is less important than getting someone else well.  Your loved one being  free from sin won't be enough-- it won't heal your relationship--  if you haven't done work to make the atonement a real part of your life.

3.  Even if things aren't fine, I can be fine.  In the midst of turmoil and distress, my Savior's love can send peace to my heart.  His love for me, and you, is infinite.  As I tap into His love, I know that everything will work out, even when it seems like everything is falling to pieces.  I can live righteously, raise a family in the gospel, and feel the power of the priesthood in my life through my reliance on the Savior no matter what anyone else chooses to do.

I do not doubt God's love for me.  I can not doubt God's love for my spouse.  I feel His love and His peace as He teaches me what forgiveness looks like and how charity suffereth long.  I feel joy in the knowledge of Christ's perfect love.  His love has cast out all my fear, pain and sorrow.

May Christ's love lift and strengthen you and your loved ones too.

Your sister,

Haydee

To the Wives of Addicts from an Addict

In my study this morning, I read this "O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted!" (3 Nephi 22:11). My first thought when I read this is that it is a perfect description of someone who is dealing with the addiction of a loved one. As I continued to think on this, I began to understand more about how many ways we, as addicts, contribute to your affliction. I thought about how we add to the tempests in your life and how we are not there to comfort you when you need it. With that in mind, I would like to offer my apologies.

First, I am sorry for all of the lies. You willingly gave yourselves to us. You deserve for us to give you ourselves in return. Instead, you got a bunch of lies and half-truths. We lied to you from the beginning. In fact, we lied to you so many times, we began to believe some of those lies, but the reality is that none of them were true. We were lying to ourselves at the same time we were lying to you.

I am also sorry for the damage we have done to your self-worth. We should have been the ones building you up. We should have been your best support. Instead, by our words and actions you made you feel like you weren't good enough, pretty enough, sexy enough, or any number of ways we made you feel like your worth was less than it really is. The truth is you are daughters of God. Your worth is infinite and eternal, and we have no right to make you feel that you are less than you truly are.

I'm sorry for the separation we have caused. You are our wives. You are the ones we should be most involved with, but due to our choices, we have caused an emotional separation between us and you. We have been withdrawn from you when you needed to feel closeness. We have kept a part of ourselves back from you when we covenanted to give our whole selves to you.

I am sorry for not supporting you. You depend on us to help you and lift you, but our addiction has held us back. When you needed us most, we were not there for you either physically, because we were in the midst of acting out in our addiction, or emotionally, because we were dealing with the internal turmoil created by our actions.

I know this is not a complete list of the many ways we have harmed you, but please accept this sincere attempt from one addict to begin the process of repairing the damage we have done. You are truly angels in our lives. We do not deserve your love and goodness, and you do not deserve the torment we have put you through. This may not always be clear to us when we are in the depths of our addiction, but in our moments of clarity, we recognize how wonderful you are and how much we have come to rely on you for our strength.

I would like to leave you with the words of Isaiah that come just a few verses after where I started today. "In righteousness shalt thou be established" (3 Nephi 22:14). You are simply amazing. You will be exalted because of your righteousness, and I hope that we come to our senses and join you on that journey.

Dailies

When I first started to recognize my addiction, I started to read as much as I could find. Some of the greatest sources of comfort to me were the blogs of other LDS addicts and their spouses. One of the concepts that I kept reading about but didn't really understand was the concept of "Dailies".

As I got into a recovery program, I began to understand that dailies are the things we do each day in order to overcome our addiction. Even at this point, I still did not truly understand the concept of dailies. In fact, I am still learning more about this each day.

I started with a daily routine of prayer and scripture study. I later added meditation and a daily planning session to set goals for the day. The problem was, I was doing these things as a method of fighting against my addiction. The problem is that fighting against this addiction does not work.

The further I get into recovery, the more I understand that the battle over my addiction has already been fought and won. I was never even a participant in this battle. The battle over my addiction was won by my Savior, Jesus Christ, through the power of His infinite Atonement.

My daily routine is not a matter of fighting the battle. It is a matter of choosing which side I am on. I place myself on the side of the victor or of the defeated by my actions each day. This is a choice I have to make every day. That is what the concept of dailies means to me now.

I study my scriptures each day because I love my Savior and I want to be closer to Him. I pray each day to develop a relationship with my Father in heaven. I meditate each day to train my mind to focus on those things which are of the greatest importance and to teach me to give my full attention to the promptings of the Holy Ghost. I set goals each day to help me move in the direction I want to go to be able to return to live with those I love and am learning to love more each day.

The wonderful thing about this is that, as I turn my life to my Father and my Savior in this manner, I am supported and sustained by them. I am able to withstand the challenges that face me each day because I choose to put myself on their side.

Thankful

As mentioned previously, I've recently been studying the visit of Christ to the Nephites in 3 Nephi. The past few days I have been focusing on these verses:

7 Have ye any that are sick among you? Bring them hither. Have ye any that are lame, or blind, or halt, or maimed, or leprous, or that are withered, or that are deaf, or that are afflicted in any manner? Bring them hither and I will heal them, for I have compassion upon you; my bowels are filled with mercy.

8 For I perceive that ye desire that I should show unto you what I have done unto your brethren at Jerusalem, for I see that your faith is sufficient that I should heal you.

9 And it came to pass that when he had thus spoken, all the multitude, with one accord, did go forth with their sick and their afflicted, and their lame, and with their blind, and with their dumb, and with all them that were afflicted in any manner; and he did heal them every one as they were brought forth unto him.

10 And they did all, both they who had been healed and they who were whole, bow down at his feet, and did worship him; and as many as could come for the multitude did kiss his feet, insomuch that they did bathe his feet with their tears. (3 Nephi 17:7-10)

In reading these verses, I find it interesting that those who were afflicted in any manner needed to be brought to the Savior in order to be healed. They were not able to come to Him on their own. I was one of those who was afflicted and needed others to bring me to Christ.

Through pondering on these verses, I have come to a greater realization of how grateful I am for those who have helped to bring me to Christ that I may be healed of my affliction. I am truly thankful for my wife who is the most kind, loving, and forgiving person I know. She shouldn't have to deal with all I have put her through, but she chooses to go through it and love me anyway. She is the most Christlike person I have ever met, and I am amazed at how much love she has to give.

I am also thankful for my Bishop for listening to me and helping me in my quest to become worthy to hold the Priesthood of God and serve my family through that power. I am also grateful to him for helping me to find a therapist who is skilled in addiction recovery.

I am grateful to my therapist for helping me to understand the true nature of my addiction, and for teaching me practical tools to manage my addiction on a day to day basis and rely on my Savior for help.

Mostly I am thankful for my Father in Heaven and my Savior for finding ways to show their love for me even when I was in the depths of addiction. I am grateful for the healing that comes through Christ's Atonement, and I am grateful that they never give up on me.

Let Us Cheerfully Do All Things

Earlier this week, I read this blog post. As I read it, something didn't sit well with me. Not because she is wrong, but because she is right. Why is it that there are so few men leading in the fight against the evils of pornography? I started to think about this and what my role in this fight should be.

Then, yesterday morning, in my scripture study, I read Doctrine and Covenants 123. This section is part of a letter written by Joseph Smith to the saints while he was imprisoned in Liberty Jail. He is giving the saints instructions on what their duty is in relation to those who have been persecuting them.

As I was reading, these verses seemed to me to be as much about pornography as they are about the persecutions the saints suffered in Missouri:

8 It is an iron yoke, it is a strong band; they are the very handcuffs, and chains, and shackles, and fetters of hell.

 9 Therefore it is an imperative duty that we owe, not only to our own wives and children, but to the widows and fatherless, whose husbands and fathers have been murdered under its iron hand;

 10 Which dark and blackening deeds are enough to make hell itself shudder, and to stand aghast and pale, and the hands of the very devil to tremble and palsy.

While there may not be many who have been actually murdered through the scourge of pornography, there are many who have been torn from their wives and children because they were not able to overcome the urges and enticing of the addiction. Those wives and children are as much widows and fatherless as if the men were actually murdered.

The saints were urged to collect and publish reports of the abuses they suffered. I believe the blogs of those who are addicted and those who are suffering from the addictions of loved ones are a step in this direction. I hope that this blog is also a step in publishing the abuses of pornography to the world. I also hope this blog is a beacon to those who are looking for healing to know that it is available through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

I believe there is more to be done though. I am not sure what that is at this point, but I am making it a matter of prayerful study to learn what I can do to aid in the battle. I also ask you, the readers, to give me suggestions on what you think needs to be done.

I will leave today with the closing verse from section 123:

17 Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

Changing My Heart

I have had a hard time coming up with something to write for the past few weeks. Things have been going steady in my recovery, and I wasn't quite sure what the next step would be for me. For the last couple of weeks, I have had impressions from the Spirit guiding me to what the next step in my recovery should be, but I wasn't quite ready to take that step. Yesterday, I think the Lord realized that I wasn't quite getting it so He had to kind of beat me over the head with it (I am an incredibly stubborn person).

For the past few weeks, I have been feeling that I needed to start letting others into my heart. Due to things that happened as I was growing up, I closed off my heart to others. In fact, I built great barriers to my heart that only 5 people on this earth have been able to penetrate. Those people are my wife and children. I can honestly say that I have not even let my parents or siblings into my heart.

So anyway, I have been getting these impressions from time to time over the past few weeks, but I kept telling myself I was not ready to deal with the issues that caused me to close my heart in the first place. Yesterday, the Lord gently but firmly let me know that it is time.

During my scripture study in the morning, I found a cross-reference to this verse:

A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh. (Ezekiel 36:26)

It was clear to me that, through the Atonement,  Christ is prepared to give me a new heart. He is just waiting for me. This was another nudge telling me that it is time and I need to move forward.

Later, while I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting, there was a talk about charity. While I was listening, this talk by Elder C. Max Caldwell that I read several years ago came back to my mind. In the talk, Elder Caldwell talks about what is meant by the "love of Christ." He lists three ways this phrase may be looked at:

1. Love for Christ
2. Love from Christ
3. Love like Christ

I am beginning to understand that I have felt love for Christ and love from Christ, but I have never felt love like Christ. It is now clear to me that the next step in my recovery is to develop this love for others that is lacking in my life.

I know this is going to be incredibly difficult for me, and I am a little scared (and by a little scared I mean I am completely terrified) of what this process will require from me, but I also know that, with the help of my Savior, I will be able to give up my stony heart and receive the heart of flesh that has been prepared for me.

Choosing to Be Haydee

Are you familiar with the Count Of Monte Cristo's female characters? Haydee, Mercedes, and Valentine.  Each woman faced unthinkable hardship and heart break.  As I reread Monte Cristo recently, I thought about how each woman fared with the challenges she faced and finally understood why Edmond calls me his Haydee.

Mercedes grew up in a poor fisherman's village.  She was hours from her marriage when her fiance was arrested on spurious charges and whisked away.  She never was told if he was dead or rotting away in some prison.  A year later, she married her good friend Fernand, who amassed a fortune while serving in the army.  The fortune allowed them to live the high life in Parisian society.

When Mercedes learned the fraud surrounding her husband's fortune, she and her grown son abandoned their Parisian life, home and husband/father to build their own future.  Mercedes was without hope and extremely depressed.  Resignation and despair clouded all her visions of the future.  She accepted the charity of Edmond and lived a solitary and sad life.

We meet Valentine as a teen betrothed to a man she doesn't love (and who doesn't love her in return).  She secretly loved a decorated military officer her family had never met.  Her only friend and confidant was her paraplegic and mute grandfather.  When tragedy struck her family and her unwanted marriage is expedited she choose to trust her grandfather and followed his directions in faith.

As Valentine's world continued to crumble around her, she learned to see what is real, to recognize the true threats to her safety and through her trust in Higher Powers was able to be united with her love.  While she mourned for tragedy and hurt that surrounded her family, she found joy in the miracles she experienced.

As a young child, Haydee experienced unimaginable pain.  She witnessed the betrayal of her father and the mass slaughter of all her loved ones.  She was sold into slavery by one who professed to be her friend and protector.

Haydee was purchased by a wealthy man who planned to use her as leverage against his enemies.  He treated her like a queen, but his heart was cold and removed. Haydee quietly observed him, relished his presence and saw all the good he did do.  Haydee learned to love this man for who he really was.  When all he could see was his faults, the injuries he had caused others, his obsession with vengeance;  when all his future was beak with the hatred he had filled his heart with-- even in that moment Haydee saw his goodness.  And LOVED HIM.  Haydee lived in hope and love she found peace and a happily ever after life.


Our stories are filled with heartache and pain.  HOW we choose to live will determine our future.   You may be a Valentine or a Haydee or a Mary or a Martha.  You  may even feel like a Mercedes some days.  We can live in sorrow and be resigned to life and pain.  We can also live in faith and be joyful.

Today I choose to live like Haydee.  With love and trust.

So Many Things

It has been a whirlwind couple of weeks for me. First off, on Sunday, May 26th, I met with my bishop. He determined that it was time for me to get my temple recommend back. He gave me the interview, and it felt so wonderful to be able to answer those questions. Yes, I do have a testimony of God the Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost. Yes, I do have a testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the role it plays in my life. Yes, I do keep the covenants I have made. I may not have kept all of them in the past, but I do now and that it what matters. The following Tuesday, I got to answer all of those questions again with a member of the Stake Presidency.

Wednesday the 29th was a beautiful day. I was able to spend several hours in the temple with my amazing wife. We were able to do an endowment session and a sealing session. As I knelt across the altar from my wife I was reminded of the day we were sealed. I remembered why I fell in love with her in the first place, and I could also see the person she has become since then. She has been there to support and encourage me even when I was at my lowest, and she is still there encouraging me as I work to become the person I was meant to be. I am truly blessed to have her in my life. She is one of my angels.

The following day, we left to make the 15 hour drive to visit my wife's family. It was a family reunion with all of the siblings coming home to visit at the same time. 25 people in a small house with two toilets and one shower. Talk about a situation that makes me want to escape. These are the types of situations where I tend to withdraw and eventually sink into addictive behaviors, but this time was different. Using what I have learned in recovery, I was able to get myself grounded each day and make a plan to help me deal with any situations or temptations that may arise.

Using these tools, I was not only able to survive the week, but I was able to thrive in a manner that I was never capable of before. In the past, I would need to have a place to escape the chaos be alone for a while. This time, I was able to engage in conversations and be mentally present with the family. Only once did I feel so overwhelmed that I needed to leave, and I just went for a walk and then went back into the commotion. I never had to escape into a book or into a fantasy.

Yesterday, we made the drive home. For the first time I don't feel mentally or emotionally exhausted after a trip like that. I am certainly tired physically from not getting enough sleep and not eating enough healthy foods, but I don't feel like I need to take an extra day off of work in order to recover from the trip.

I am extremely grateful to the Lord for helping me to get to the point where I am right now. I can see the progress I have made in just a few short months, and I like who I am and who I am becoming. For the first time in a long time I can actually say that I like myself. It is only through the Atonement of Christ that I am here, and I hope to continue to learn more about that Atonement and become even more of the person I am meant to be.

Finding the Real Me

Most of my life has been ruled by my addiction. I led a double life. I hid behind lies. I kept myself emotionally distant from those who tried to get to know me. I defined myself by my addiction. Whenever someone would say something nice about me, I would always think to myself "well, you don't know the real me, you wouldn't be saying this if you did."

I am starting to realize that I was the one who was wrong all those years. Others could see things in me that I could not see in myself. I was the one who was not seeing the real me.

As part of my recovery, my therapist encouraged me to write what he calls a "Future Picture Statement." This is a statement of qualities or attributes that I would like to have. It is a picture of what I want to be. I finally took the time this week to sit down and write this statement.

Now, as I read through it again and again, I realize this is not a statement of what I want to be. It is a statement of who I really am. This is the real me that I am learning to see.

I am a son of God. I am a powerful witness of the divinity of Jesus Christ and the infinite nature of His Atonement. I faithfully serve my brothers and sisters through service in the Lord's Church and individually as I give them my full attention. I care for my body as the divine temple of my eternal spirit. I am completely faithful to the covenants I have made with God and with my wife. I have been redeemed through the Atonement of Christ and I can do all things through Him.

I have not found all of this real me yet, but I am working on it. Pieces of him are coming out slowly, and I know that with the Lord's help, I will find all of him some day. What a glorious day that will be.

Feeling God's Love

Usually I love General Conference.  I plan my activities and groceries around a weekend on the couch soaking in the good word.  This year General Conference happened to fall a couple weeks after Edmond's confession and boy did I need spiritual nourishment.

Saturday afternoon I settled down ready to listen and learn (I was listening in to the radio while at a daughter's competition-- Edmond was home with the kids).   Elder Bednar spoke about the law of chastity and why honoring that commandment is crucial to finding happiness in our mortal journey.  His words pierced my heart; I felt the pain of wounds that were still a little raw;  my heart yearned to hold Edmond's hand and tell him I loved him-- that I knew this listening to this was painful for him too.  I had prepared my heart to listen and find joy in the Lord's word, and instead I was reminded of our biggest challenge.

Jump forward a couple months.

Today my little one asked me to read scriptures with her.  She directed me to Jacob 3--Jacob's message on morality delivered outside the temple.  Her innocent request led me to Jacob's consoling  words to the righteous in attendance.  In his address, Jacob laments the need to weigh down the minds of the pure in heart with the sins of others, when the innocent had come only to hear the pleasing word of God. (Been there felt that.)  At the end of his discourse, Jacob speaks to the pure in heart, the innocent victims of others actions.

Jacob invites the pure in heart to pray with "exceeding faith" and a "firm mind," with a promise promise that "he [the Lord] will console you in your afflictions and he plead your cause and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction. (Jacob 3:1)"

In the next verse Jacob pleads with the innocent to:

"lift up your heads and receive the pleasing word of God, and
feast upon his love;
for ye may, if your minds are firm, forever." (Jacob 3:2)

What a beautiful promise-- the promise of being enveloped in God's love forever as we receive His word and keep our minds firm.

Twice in two verses, Jacob reminds us to have a firm mind.  For me that means a mind not easily blown about by the whimsy of attention.   One of my favorite passages of scripture reminds me of the power I have to direct my mind to positive feelings.

"Peace I leave with you;  My peace I give unto you.

Not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  

Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

John 14:27

I have the power to focus my mind on God's love.  I have the ability to feast upon God's love for me forever.  I have the strength to let not my heart be troubled.

Healing From Hurt

Nobody is immune to life and the injuries, wounds and hurts that make up this mortal journey least of all me. 

A few years back, I felt extremely weighed down by unfulfilled expectations, broken dreams, and perceived neglect in my marriage.   Edmond was extremely busy with work, school, and church callings and I felt obligated to make up the difference by sacrificing everything I wanted for the sake of our family.  I was proud of my sacrifice and the emotional wounds I bore; they made me feel like a real person who had done battle with life and conquered through sheer will.  I let the hurt canker and become infected. I wouldn't let my wounds heal.  If I healed, Edmond would never understand what I did for him-- or what he did to me.

Years after the injury, I still felt anger about the situation.  I was able to put the hurt away most days and just be happy, but when emotionally pushed the whole ugly mess erupted all over.  Our marriage was suffering because I wouldn't deal with, forgive and just get over the hurt from years past.

 I finally got to the point where I wanted to get rid of the junk.  I was tired of the wounds hurting and tired of being angry.  One quiet afternoon I opened my box of pain.  The following is what I wrote about that experience:

"I opened up the box and embraced the pain.  I let it wash over me.  Sometimes it the pain was so intense it took my breath away.  I wrote all the hurt down in my journal.  I cried in between sentences.  It wasn't pretty.

"I prayed to my God and told him about my pain.  How much I hurt and how I didn't want to carry it anymore.  I felt a gentle peace asking me what He could do to fix it.  I thought about it, and all I needed was a genuine apology and expression of love-- something I felt like I couldn't get from the perpetrators of hurt.  You might feel like you need something different to make it right.  Don't be afraid to ask for what you need to heal and ask the someone who can really give you exactly what you need.  It might be your God, your best friend, your mentor.  Allow that person to act for the person who hurt  you.  Accept and embrace the love you desperately need.  Write down the love you feel in that journal!

"I let all the pain go.  Actually, it just disappeared when I accepted the love of my God and His apology in behalf of another.  Pardon the analogy, but it really was as easy as flushing the toilet.  It was gone.  It hasn't bothered me since.

"The best part of that purge was being able to truly love again.  Love myself, love my family, love my husband, LOVE MYSELF!  Second best part was that all the other boxes [of hurt] that seemed insurmountable, are not so big now.  I opened [another] box and expected a big mess.  But, I found that the first apology for something completely different had covered the hurt in that box too.  It feels almost like Christmas here with all the box opening-- with the added benefit that I don't have to write creative thank you notes for each gift I don't like:)

"In my faith we call the ability of our God to take our hurts and heal our wounds the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  I am grateful for His love and the gift of healing that has come to my heart.  I hope you find the same peace and love I did."

Truly the best part of lettting the Savior hold onto the pain again is the renewed ability to love-- to feel it, to share it, to embrace it.