A few years back, I felt extremely weighed down by unfulfilled expectations, broken dreams, and perceived neglect in my marriage. Edmond was extremely busy with work, school, and church callings and I felt obligated to make up the difference by sacrificing everything I wanted for the sake of our family. I was proud of my sacrifice and the emotional wounds I bore; they made me feel like a real person who had done battle with life and conquered through sheer will. I let the hurt canker and become infected. I wouldn't let my wounds heal. If I healed, Edmond would never understand what I did for him-- or what he did to me.
Years after the injury, I still felt anger about the situation. I was able to put the hurt away most days and just be happy, but when emotionally pushed the whole ugly mess erupted all over. Our marriage was suffering because I wouldn't deal with, forgive and just get over the hurt from years past.
I finally got to the point where I wanted to get rid of the junk. I was tired of the wounds hurting and tired of being angry. One quiet afternoon I opened my box of pain. The following is what I wrote about that experience:
"I opened up the box and embraced the pain. I let it wash over me. Sometimes it the pain was so intense it took my breath away. I wrote all the hurt down in my journal. I cried in between sentences. It wasn't pretty.
"I prayed to my God and told him about my pain. How much I hurt and how I didn't want to carry it anymore. I felt a gentle peace asking me what He could do to fix it. I thought about it, and all I needed was a genuine apology and expression of love-- something I felt like I couldn't get from the perpetrators of hurt. You might feel like you need something different to make it right. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need to heal and ask the someone who can really give you exactly what you need. It might be your God, your best friend, your mentor. Allow that person to act for the person who hurt you. Accept and embrace the love you desperately need. Write down the love you feel in that journal!
"I let all the pain go. Actually, it just disappeared when I accepted the love of my God and His apology in behalf of another. Pardon the analogy, but it really was as easy as flushing the toilet. It was gone. It hasn't bothered me since.
"The best part of that purge was being able to truly love again. Love myself, love my family, love my husband, LOVE MYSELF! Second best part was that all the other boxes [of hurt] that seemed insurmountable, are not so big now. I opened [another] box and expected a big mess. But, I found that the first apology for something completely different had covered the hurt in that box too. It feels almost like Christmas here with all the box opening-- with the added benefit that I don't have to write creative thank you notes for each gift I don't like:)
"In my faith we call the ability of our God to take our hurts and heal our wounds the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I am grateful for His love and the gift of healing that has come to my heart. I hope you find the same peace and love I did."
Truly the best part of lettting the Savior hold onto the pain again is the renewed ability to love-- to feel it, to share it, to embrace it.
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