Continuing the Journey

It has been a long while since I posted and so much has been happening.  Edmond is still in active recovery.. a place where I am sure he will be for years, relearning how to handle stress, disappointment and hurt in positive ways.  And while he is learning I am learning too.

Honestly, the last six months have been so hellish for me.  You would think that the first six months would be harder, but I was surrounded by God's love and buoyed up and comforted in way that I just felt peace. Two and half years into recovery,  I began to feel the weight of it all.  You could see that in my posts in the spring and summer.  Just heavy, weight, darkness, despair.  I couldn't write, I couldn't feel hope.  It was all darkness.  It was an existential crisis.  What was real?  Did God exist? Could I trust anyone?  I can't even trust myself!  I can't tell truth from lies.  I honestly didn't know what was real anymore. My reality shattered.  All that was left was pain and sorrow.

I was working with a therapist who encouraged me to check out the LDS recovery site for addicts' families.  I read through the first article and sat and cried- then I paced, then I wanted to throw things.  Why?  I was so angry.  The list of feelings addicts loved ones may feel were so trivial. Temple covenants, financial concerns, criminal charges. Sure, issues to address.  But I didn't know who I was anymore.   All of those concerns seemed so far away.  How can I deal with that, if I don't know what I believe, think or want anymore. I had no belief that I would feel joy or light again. I had no belief that I would feel loved, safe or protected.  I worried about and waited for the next disclosure. The next time my heart would be ripped out and stomped on.  How could I even begin to deal with those issues.  My therapist was shocked and stunned that the site would trigger me so much.  He carefully avoided LDS recovery after that.  But I still didn't find peace.

Finally a good friend found an article that explained to me that I wasn't crazy.  That I wasn't off my rocker.  It spoke to me in a way that logically explained why I felt all the things I was feeling.  Finally I was seen and understood  by someone, and I wasn't just CRAZY, or worse an over-reacting, hyper paranoid female!  So this article is long... and very technical/academic.. but is worth the time. 13 Dimensions of Sex Addiction Induced Trauma

After I understood me, I had to be super brave.  I asked Edmond to read it and ask me which aspects applied to me currently.  (It took a couple weeks of wanting, wishing and some hints before I was able to say clearly, aloud, it would mean a lot to me if you would read this and talk to me about it... Sweet man that he was, he asked why didn't you tell me sooner you wanted this-- sheepish grin. I'm learning to trust you with what I really want.)

It was a beautiful way for me to feel validated and seen.  Edmond even asked what he could do.  The answer was just to see me, to understand where I am and love me anyway.  I had felt so much guilt and yuck about all I had been feeling, and having a person I care about most understand me meant so much.  I feel hope.

All My Heart, Might, Mind And Strength

It has been a while since either Edmond or I have posted.  Life has been good- and bad and all the things that life generally is.  We have fantastic days and horrific days and busy days and lazy days.  I haven't felt much inspiration for writing.   Nothing until last week.

I was at a YW training meeting and the speaker was discussing the theme from this year and how it ties into next year's theme.  In case you're not familiar with the themes here they are.

This year's focus was to come unto Christ and be perfected in him.

Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God.
--Moroni 10:32

In 2015 we will focus on serving:

Therefore, O ye that embark in the service of God, see that ye serve him with all your heart, might, mind and strength, that ye may stand blameless before God at the last day.
--D&C 4:2 

We must come unto Christ and allow his atoning sacrifice to become real in our life before we will be able to serve and love as He did.  This has been my focus recently.  Recognizing when Christ's power and love has enabled me to do more and be more than I am or could ever hope to be on my own.  I have seen those little moments, feeling calm when I would naturally want to yell;  finding that my loooong to do list is done, and I still have time to relax before kids get home from school; the moment of peace as I stand in the sun and let its rays warm my skin and feel joy, peace, and love.  All gifts of the Atonement in my life.

Another beautiful truth I found in these scriptures was the injunction to first "love God" then "serve him [God]" with all your heart, might, mind, and strength.

I tend to be a doer.  My tongue in cheek motto is: If a task is worth doing it is worth over doing.  Thus I tend to do (fill in the blank with primary, YW service, recipe creation, cleaning, exercise, or whatever my fancy is at the moment) with ALL my heart might mind and strength--sometimes to the detriment of other things in my life.

But the command is clear.  We are to love and serve GOD only with all of our heart, might, mind, and strength (H.M.M.S.).  There is no benefit to God when I serve the YW with all my H.M.M.S. to the detriment of my family.  Interesting point for me to ponder on.

As the wife of an addict, this phrase gave me so much comfort too.  Just as the Lord asks us to Trust Him-- and doesn't command me to trust anyone else, he asks me to give my H.M.M.S. to the most trustworthy and loving source of strength known to man or woman-- Himself.

The words of a primary song echo the feelings of my heart today.

I know He lives!

I will follow faithfully.

My heart I give to Him.

I know that my Savior loves me.

Coming To Trust

I found a profoundly interesting scripture the other day.  I had been looking up scriptures about trusting the Lord, something I am continually working on, and found one in an unexpected area.

You know the story as well as I do.  Ruth and Naomi.  Ruth leaves her homeland to accompany Naomi into the land of Israel so that, "thy people shall be my people and thy God my God."  Ruth supports the two women by gleaning in the fields of Boaz.  After learning her history, Boaz treats Ruth kindly, extending the offer to drink and eat with his workers, and even to harvest among them.  Ruth questions his generosity and Boaz responded with words of commendation. (This is even before Ruth asks for his hand in marriage...)

The Lord recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the Lord God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust. (Ruth 2:12)

I love the imagery of that blessing, "under whose wings thou art come to trust."  Each leap of faith, each hardship endured, each prayer for guidance is a step leading us to full and complete trust in the Lord.  Trust is a process.  Each day our trust in the Lord can grow as we walk in His ways.

I love Nephi's lament-- have you heard it called that before?  Nephi is stressed out because he and his followers have to abandon their land and property to flee from Laman and Lemuel; his parents are dead.  Nephi lists his issues, struggles and problems then defers to the Lord:

I know in whom I have trusted.  My God hath been my support; he hath led me though mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.  He hath filled me with his love....
Oh Lord, I have trusted in thee and I shall trust in thee forever.

(2Nephi 4:19-21,34)

The more I look, the more I see this pattern.  List of all my problems; testimony of the blessings the Lord has poured out to those who trust him. Paul recounts the blessing and miracles received when people trusted and had faith in God (Hebrews 11).  Alma testifies to his son Helaman of his personal witness of the Lord's miraculous hand in healing his heart and leading him in the path of apostleship as he learned to trust the Lord (Alma 36-- I love verses 3 and 27).

Maybe I need to write my own account.  Here have been my problems and here is how the Lord has delivered me as I put my trust in Him.  I'm still coming to trust in His ability to deliver me, but even in that process of coming, I am learning, becoming, and growing.   His wings protect and cover me in my storms and guide me to the highest mountain peaks.  I shall trust in Him forever.

Relying on the Lord's Love

I happen to be a terrific, fantastic and wonderful person-- or at least I remind myself that I am-- and that is the image I try to present to the world-- an amazingly accomplished woman.  But really on the inside I feel afraid of others' judgments, afraid of being insignificant, afraid of being wrong and doing wrong, afraid of disappointing others.  Afraid.  I reaffirm to myself that I am "good enough, smart enough, and gosh dang it, people like me!"  But offered criticism, advice or even an opposing opinion, my natural reaction is to do a complete internal self-evaluation and to second guess my judgment or actions.

Through Edmond's addiction recovery, I felt profoundly God's love for him.  I know that God loves Edmond, a wonderful man who has sinned, so why do I doubt His love for me and believe the put-downs I tell myself.  In my meditations I state, "I am a powerful witness of God's intense and enduring love."  Do I remember that His love is for me as well?

Reflecting on this pattern,  I remind myself I am relying on the arm of flesh and not on my Redeemer!  (Even that feels like a slap in the face... Man I have got to be better, do better...)

I have been thinking a lot about what it really means to rely on the Lord.  What does healthy reliance look like; how does one act if one is relying on the Lord.  I loved the suggestions of Edwin Crozier in his sermon 5 Ways to Rely on God's Strength to Beat your Giants.  The idea that resonated with me was to walk in God's presence, by inviting the Lord to walk beside you each day.  Talking to the Lord about all that you are doing and how you feel about it.  The constant prayer in your heart to keep His presence in your memory.  He says,

Talk with Him while you go through your day. Share what you are about to do. Ask Him to help with the decisions you are about to make. Follow-up with thanks for blessings that occur. If you fall, talk to Him about why it happened. This helps because it’s hard to gossip about your co-worker if you begin by asking God if He thinks it’s okay. It’s hard to look down a woman’s flapping shirt if you first run it by God to see what He thinks about it.

I would add as a reminder to myself, talk to Him about why He loves you.  Talk to him about why you feel down about yourself.  Talk to him about your plans, your diet, your choices, your failures (cooking and otherwise) and ask him to reassure you of his love.  God's love, charity, never faileth.

To Hear and Do

Recently in my scripture study I have been reading the words of Christ to the Nephites in 3 Nephi. In my reading, I came across a passage that is very familiar to me and to just about anyone who has read the Book of Mormon or the Bible. This time, I recognized some things I had never noticed before.

 24 Therefore, whoso heareth these sayings of mine and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, who built his house upon a rock—

 25 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not, for it was founded upon a rock.

 26 And every one that heareth these sayings of mine and doeth them not shall be likened unto a foolish man, who built his house upon the sand—

 27 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell, and great was the fall of it. (3 Nephi 14:24-27)

 The first thing I noticed is that both the wise man and the foolish man hear the sayings of the Lord. In this context, to hear means to understand and to believe. So, both the wise man and the foolish man understand and believe the words of the Lord. The difference in these two is that the wise man "doeth them."

The second thing I noticed is that both men had to endure the same storm. The wise man was not spared from the trial (that would be counter to God's plan for us). He dealt with the same rain, floods, and wind as the foolish man. The difference is that the wise man was prepared to deal with the situation while the foolish man was not.

We are all going to face hard times in life. Sometimes those are of our own making like the choices I made in my youth that led to me becoming addicted to pornography. Sometimes our challenges are the result of the choices of others like my wife having to live with my addiction. Sometimes life is just hard. That is a normal part of our mortal existence.

Our ability to deal with those challenges without being destroyed is based on our preparation. I understand the words of Christ and I believe Him, but my foundation of faith is built in the doing of His words. I build my foundation every day when I get up and study my scriptures even if it would be nice to lay in bed for an extra half hour. I build my foundation every day when I make a plan for my day and then work to achieve the goals I have set.

I do want to be clear about one thing. Doing these actions of themselves does not give me the strength to withstand my challenges. Doing these actions helps me learn how to rely on Jesus Christ to aid me when I need it. Through doing the words of Christ, I come to know Him better and understand His love and care for me. Through doing the words of Christ, I am more prepared to receive of His grace because I am humble enough to recognize my inability to overcome on my own.

I Am the Captain of My Soul

One of my constant struggles is recognizing who I am. I have spent many years telling myself I was a sinner, I was no good, or that people would be appalled if they saw who I really was.

It turns out that I was the one who did not see who I really was and who I really am. I am a son of God who has been blessed with many talents and abilities that can be used to benefit those around me.

I have also been granted the ability to make choices. I have used this ability in the past to make choices that have harmed myself and others, but I am now making choices that are beginning to heal that harm. I am learning that my choices are mine to make again each moment of my life. I am not defined by the choices I have made in the past, I am defined by the choices I am making right now.

I came across a poem a few weeks ago that speaks to this point. I had heard pieces of it before, but I had never heard the entire poem before.

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

-"Invictus" William Ernest Henley

I am coming out of the blackness of the night. I may be bloodied. I have shed and caused many tears. There have been and may yet be consequences based on what I have done, but I will face them without fear. My head will continue to be unbowed. I am the captain of my soul because I am a son of God.

Trial of My Faith

And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith. (Ether 12:6)

 I have always misunderstood the concept of a trial of my faith. I always thought of a trial of my faith as some great event that I would need to struggle through and rely on the Lord, and eventually He would help me through it. For a long time, I thought my addiction was that trial of my faith. I didn't understand that it was an addiction. I believed I didn't have enough faith because the Lord did not help me overcome my temptations.

Now, I realize that the Lord does help me overcome my temptations, but not in the way I expected. I always expected that these things would no longer be a temptation for me. Instead, the Lord helps me to overcome them by not giving in. I still have the temptations, but I don't act on them.

In my previous post, I talked about being able to walk away from temptation. I am able to do this right now with help from the Lord. I prepare myself each day to receive His help by doing my morning routine of scripture study, meditation, and daily planning.

The question is, "What does this have to do with faith?". I have come to realize that the trial of my faith is not to wait for the Lord to take my temptations away from me. The trial of my faith is to consistently do the little things each day that allow me to call upon Him for strength when I need it.

This has been a huge paradigm shift for me to realize that a trial of my faith is not about making it through some huge experience. Rather, the trial of my faith is to get up 45 minutes earlier each day so I can do the things I have been asked to do in order to be able to walk on the road of recovery.

The witness I receive after the daily trial of my faith is to be able to make it through one more day in active recovery. This cycle of trying my faith each day and receiving a witness of its power each day has grown into an even greater witness to me. I can now see the hand of the Lord in my life each day. With that comes and even greater faith and desire to do the things He has asked of me because I now know that He will help me to be able to do them.

Blooming in Rocky Places

Water trickling down the mountain

I was excited this year to hike with our Young Women.  I love nature.  I love the girls.  I love sitting quietly watching God's creations.  I admire the flora and fauna that grace the mountain praries and ridges.  I marvel at their ability to thrive in inhospitable circumstances.  Here are some of my favorite pictures of the trip-- they remind me that I can bloom, grow, and shine even in Rocky Places.

This tree grows off the face of the mountain.   It's sprawling roots cover the trail and are abused by hikers.  I love the bend of the tree as it reaches its way to the sun.

I love these little flowers that blooms in the rocks near a water fall.  Their only water comes from occasional off- spray from the falls.

This little white flower grows along the trail.

Happy Thoughts

I am excited today to steal a moment away from the mayhem of summer break.  Kids are quietly watching a movie and the computer is unoccupied.  IT'S A MIRACLE!!!

I was reading Romans 5 the other day and I LOVED it.

Being justified by faith, 

we have peace with God 

through our Lord Jesus Christ... 

and rejoice in hope 

of the glory of God.  

--Romans 5:1-2

I have spent much of my life seeking peace.  Wanting peace.  Not just quiet cooperation among the kids, but the peace that calms the soul.  Through Jesus Christ, through our faith in Him, we can commune with our Father and feel His peace and rejoice in the hope of that rest with our Father.

We glory in tribulation also;

knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

And patience, experience;

and experience hope;

And hope maketh not ashamed; 

because the love of God 

is shed abroad in our hearts by 

the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

--Romans 5:3-5

Knowing, understanding, embracing this process-- problems, patience, experience, hope, LOVE-- allows me to relax and let life happen.

Off to play with the little ones.

Faith and Diligence

First off, I need to apologize for taking so long to write this post after the last one. Life has been incredibly hectic for me the last few weeks. I'm glad that Haydee was able to write during that time so there has been a presence here.

I have been thinking about a post that details the things I was able to do to remain engaged with my wife's family rather than withdrawing as I talked about in my previous post. I was struggling with how to approach the topic. Then, as I was doing my scripture study this morning I came across what I was looking for.

As part of his teachings to his son, Helaman, Alma talks about the experiences of Lehi's family with the Liahona:

And it did work for them according to their faith in God; therefore, if they had faith to believe that God could cause that those spindles should point the way they should go, behold, it was done; therefore they had this miracle, and also many other miracles wrought by the power of God, day by day. (Alma 37:40)

There are a couple of key things here that are important. First, faith. This is not a generic "faith in Christ" kind of faith. While that type of faith is a necessary beginning, the faith Alma is talking about is the specific belief that "God could cause that those spindles should point the way they should go." Lehi and his family had to have faith that the specific miracle they were looking for was possible.

The next key is that "they had this miracle, and also many other miracles wrought by the power of God." By exercising this specific faith that the Liahona could point them in the direction they should travel in the wilderness, they received that miracle, but they also received other miracles based on their faith in that one specific thing.

The final key is that this was done "day by day." Lehi and his family had to look at the Liahona every day. They could not take a day off. They could not think to themselves, "we know what direction we are going; we don't need to look today." When they took this attitude, things did not work out for them:

Nevertheless, because those miracles were worked by small means it did show unto them marvelous works. They were slothful, and forgot to exercise their faith and diligence and then those marvelous works ceased, and they did not progress in their journey;

Therefore, they tarried in the wilderness, or did not travel a direct course, and were afflicted with hunger and thirst, because of their transgressions. (Alma 37:41-42)

So, how does this relate to my ability to be engaged with my wife's family? It's really simple. In learning about my addiction and recovery from addiction, I have been given a few simple things to do each day; my dailies. I do these things each day with faith that they will allow me access to the power of God to be able to overcome any temptations I may face that day.

There are three things I do every morning to help me in my recovery. I study the scriptures. I don't just read any more. I begin my study with a prayer asking for help to learn what the Lord would have me learn that day. I then read with a full purpose trying to understand every detail of what I read until I find what I feel the Lord has for me to learn that day. I do not read a certain number of verses or chapters or for a certain amount of time; I read until the Holy Ghost speaks to my heart and I learn something. I then record what I have learned in my study journal so I can go back and remember what I have learned.

The second thing I do is meditate. I'm not talking about sitting in the lotus position and chanting "ohmmmm". The meditation I do is much more focused. It is designed to help me be aware of my thoughts and lead them in the direction I want them to go. I will write a post describing this type of meditation later.

The third thing I do each day is to make a daily plan. This is a plan of small measurable goals that focus on different areas to help me be healthy. I make goals relating to my physical, emotional, spiritual, and sexual health. They are simple things that I need to do during the day to stay healthy. For example I might set a goal in the physical area to eat my 5 servings of fruits and vegetables that day. A goal in the emotional category could be something like having a conversation with one of my children. A spiritual goal would be something like listen to a General Conference talk. In the beginning, my goal in the sexual area was just to not act out that day, but now, I have come to the point where I focus on my thoughts more than my actions. If my thoughts are clean, my actions will follow.

The best part about these is that the miracles that come each day are not limited to my ability to remain sober. I am blessed with other miracles also. I am blessed with the ability to engage others even in crowded settings and not withdraw. I am also blessed with an ability to focus on my work and do more in a day than I have ever been able to before.

None of these things are difficult to do. They are small actions on my part. The key is that I do them each day with faith that I will be blessed to be able to progress on my journey in the most direct course that day. I have to remember why I do these things each day. If come to the point where I think I can do things on my own and I don't need these tools any more, the miracles I have been seeing will cease and I will not progress on my journey.

Trusting in the True Source

A few months ago, I wrote my future picture statement (a positive statement of who I am and who I want to be).  I felt inspired to include,  "Because I know who I am, I trust."  I want to trust the people around me, Edmond especially, but I have struggled with feeling down, because I do not always trust-- others or myself for that matter.  I feel disappointment that I don't measure up to my own expectations or hopes.

As I have been working through this, I realized that the only person I am commanded to trust is the Lord.  In fact, Nephi admonishes, "Cursed is he that putteth his trust in man, or maketh flesh his arm, or shall hearken unto the precepts of men, save their precepts shall be given by the power of the Holy Ghost" (2 Nephi 28:31).

Contrast that with, "And whoso trusteth in the Lord, happy is he" (Proverbs 16:20).

When I trust in the natural man, I am frustrated, bitter, angry, hurt and disappointed-- all the muck Satan wants me to wallow in.  When I rely on the Lord, I feel peace, hope, joy, compassion, and love-- the character traits of the Savior himself.

As I trust the Savior, I find Him near me, leading and guiding me to "green pastures" and "still waters."  Though I still must toil through my challenges, "I fear no evil for [He is] with me"  As I continue to trust the Lord, "goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever" (Psalm 23).

When I feel overwhelmed and afraid, I can trust that, "the lord hath not given me the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7).

When I feel discouraged I can "lift up [my] head and rejoice and trust in... that God who was the God of Abraham" and know that He will deliver me as he did the people of Israel (Mosiah 7:19).

When I feel sad I can remember that the Lord "in all cases" extends His "arm of mercy towards them that put their trust in him" (Mosiah 29:20).

Because I am His Daughter, I Trust the Lord!

Tripping Over My Own Two Feet

I am an exercise junkie.  I relish the time each day I get to run, swim, bike, dance or strength train.  I'm not necessarily good at any of these activities, but I have learned a lot about myself while "working out."

While training for my first (and only) marathon, running finally clicked.  I had been running off and on for10 years and it had always been HARD WORK.  With each race I trained for, I would buckle down and determine how I was going to run, and at what pace and I would focus on achieving the desired result.  Mental toughness and determination were my watchwords with each training run.

Training for the marathon was a completely different experience.  I had never run long distances before.  Time became irrelevant in my training.  My only goal was to get back home at the end of each run-- hopefully in one piece.  About 5 miles into each run, my mind would let go of determination and toughness. Low and behold, my body kept running, even when I wasn't telling it what to do.   I could just let my body do its work without thought and without interruption and direction.  My body knew how to run.  I just had to get out of the way and let it do its job without my own mental interference.

Our bodies are amazing that way.  They know instinctivly what to do and how to react.  If I just let my body go, I stop tripping over my own feet.  Hard workouts aren't so hard when I relax and let my body do what it does best-- work.

photo credit: Meyer Felix via photopin cc

I think our spirits are a lot like a well trained body.  In the pre-existance we were trained spiritually for the rigors of mortal life.  We were prepared to face and race our mortal marathon.  My loving Heavenly Father provided me all the training and resources I would need pre-race.  Each day of my life He continues to provide rest stops and nutrition and hydration stations I need to cross the finish line with glory-- (even though a turtle could match my pace).

On my healing journey, I find peace most often when I let go of the mental battles and just let my spirit do the work it knows how to do.  My spirit knows how to forgive.  My spirit knows how to love.  My spirit knows how to encourage and lift others.  My spirit knows how to stand strong and immovable in Holy Places.

Today I am letting my mind rest and letting my spirit do the work for me.

Finding the Real Me

Most of my life has been ruled by my addiction. I led a double life. I hid behind lies. I kept myself emotionally distant from those who tried to get to know me. I defined myself by my addiction. Whenever someone would say something nice about me, I would always think to myself "well, you don't know the real me, you wouldn't be saying this if you did."

I am starting to realize that I was the one who was wrong all those years. Others could see things in me that I could not see in myself. I was the one who was not seeing the real me.

As part of my recovery, my therapist encouraged me to write what he calls a "Future Picture Statement." This is a statement of qualities or attributes that I would like to have. It is a picture of what I want to be. I finally took the time this week to sit down and write this statement.

Now, as I read through it again and again, I realize this is not a statement of what I want to be. It is a statement of who I really am. This is the real me that I am learning to see.

I am a son of God. I am a powerful witness of the divinity of Jesus Christ and the infinite nature of His Atonement. I faithfully serve my brothers and sisters through service in the Lord's Church and individually as I give them my full attention. I care for my body as the divine temple of my eternal spirit. I am completely faithful to the covenants I have made with God and with my wife. I have been redeemed through the Atonement of Christ and I can do all things through Him.

I have not found all of this real me yet, but I am working on it. Pieces of him are coming out slowly, and I know that with the Lord's help, I will find all of him some day. What a glorious day that will be.

Slow Progress is Still Progress

Do you ever have those days where you don't think you are doing as well as you should be? Maybe you feel like your progress has slowed or even stopped? Of course you do, we all do. When I am feeling like things aren't going the way I would like them to, I find comfort in the words of King Benjamin:

And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order. (Mosiah 4:27)

When it feels like our progress is slow, we need to remember that "it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength." Our progress may be slow at times, but it is still progress. Even if it feels like we are not making any progress, we can look back at where we have come from and see the differences in our lives and realize that we are making progress.

King Benjamin gives us the key for continuing on. We must be diligent. We must continue to do the daily things that got us to the point where we are. We cannot give up. When we begin to feel like our daily actions aren't making a difference, we need to keep going. Diligence is "constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken; persistent exertion of body or mind." If we stop doing the things that got us to this point, we will begin to lose the things we have.

Diligence is the key to winning the prize, and what a prize it is. All that our Father has shall be ours. What more could a child ask?

Every day is a new struggle, but every day we have the ability to call on our Savior and learn from Him how we can overcome our challenges. I recently read a CES Devotional Address by Elder D. Todd Christofferson titled "Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread." In this talk, Elder Christofferson recounted a financial struggle he faced earlier in his life. He talks about how this struggle persisted over a period of several years. In looking back, he realized that he would not give up his challenges if he had the chance because of the lessons he learned from them.

Even though Elder Christofferson was speaking about a financial difficulty, his words are also applicable to us as addicts or loved ones of addicts.

Though I suffered then, as I look back now, I am grateful that there was not a quick solution to my problem. The fact that I was forced to turn to God for help almost daily over an extended period of years taught me truly how to pray and get answers to prayer and taught me in a very practical way to have faith in God. I came to know my Savior and my Heavenly Father in a way and to a degree that might not have happened otherwise or that might have taken me much longer to achieve. I learned that daily bread is a precious commodity. I learned that manna today can be as real as the physical manna of biblical history. I learned to trust in the Lord with all my heart. I learned to walk with Him day by day.

Always remember to walk with the Lord each day. Slowly, He will show us the way to true healing. Even slow progress is still progress.

 

Healing From Hurt

Nobody is immune to life and the injuries, wounds and hurts that make up this mortal journey least of all me. 

A few years back, I felt extremely weighed down by unfulfilled expectations, broken dreams, and perceived neglect in my marriage.   Edmond was extremely busy with work, school, and church callings and I felt obligated to make up the difference by sacrificing everything I wanted for the sake of our family.  I was proud of my sacrifice and the emotional wounds I bore; they made me feel like a real person who had done battle with life and conquered through sheer will.  I let the hurt canker and become infected. I wouldn't let my wounds heal.  If I healed, Edmond would never understand what I did for him-- or what he did to me.

Years after the injury, I still felt anger about the situation.  I was able to put the hurt away most days and just be happy, but when emotionally pushed the whole ugly mess erupted all over.  Our marriage was suffering because I wouldn't deal with, forgive and just get over the hurt from years past.

 I finally got to the point where I wanted to get rid of the junk.  I was tired of the wounds hurting and tired of being angry.  One quiet afternoon I opened my box of pain.  The following is what I wrote about that experience:

"I opened up the box and embraced the pain.  I let it wash over me.  Sometimes it the pain was so intense it took my breath away.  I wrote all the hurt down in my journal.  I cried in between sentences.  It wasn't pretty.

"I prayed to my God and told him about my pain.  How much I hurt and how I didn't want to carry it anymore.  I felt a gentle peace asking me what He could do to fix it.  I thought about it, and all I needed was a genuine apology and expression of love-- something I felt like I couldn't get from the perpetrators of hurt.  You might feel like you need something different to make it right.  Don't be afraid to ask for what you need to heal and ask the someone who can really give you exactly what you need.  It might be your God, your best friend, your mentor.  Allow that person to act for the person who hurt  you.  Accept and embrace the love you desperately need.  Write down the love you feel in that journal!

"I let all the pain go.  Actually, it just disappeared when I accepted the love of my God and His apology in behalf of another.  Pardon the analogy, but it really was as easy as flushing the toilet.  It was gone.  It hasn't bothered me since.

"The best part of that purge was being able to truly love again.  Love myself, love my family, love my husband, LOVE MYSELF!  Second best part was that all the other boxes [of hurt] that seemed insurmountable, are not so big now.  I opened [another] box and expected a big mess.  But, I found that the first apology for something completely different had covered the hurt in that box too.  It feels almost like Christmas here with all the box opening-- with the added benefit that I don't have to write creative thank you notes for each gift I don't like:)

"In my faith we call the ability of our God to take our hurts and heal our wounds the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  I am grateful for His love and the gift of healing that has come to my heart.  I hope you find the same peace and love I did."

Truly the best part of lettting the Savior hold onto the pain again is the renewed ability to love-- to feel it, to share it, to embrace it.

Enduring My Cross

I was studying in the Book of Mormon recently and came across this verse:

But, behold, the righteous, the saints of the Holy One of Israel, they who have believed in the Holy One of Israel, they who have endured the crosses of the world, and despised the shame of it, they shall inherit the kingdom of God, which was prepared for them from the foundation of the world, and their joy shall be full forever. (2 Nephi 9:18)

This verse struck me in a new light when I read it this time. I had always thought of the crosses of the world as the scoffing and ridicule that are endured by the humble followers of Christ. This time, I realized that there is so much more to the crosses of the world. The crosses of the world are the burdens that we must face as a necessary piece of our mortal existence. We all have our burdens to carry. One of my crosses happens to be sexual addiction, but that is by no means the only cross I must endure.

The next phrase is of particular interest to those of us who happen to be enduring a cross of addiction. It is not enough just to bear the cross; we must also despise the shame of it. We are all aware that shame is a huge component of addiction. It is the shame that drives us to secrecy and seclusion. It is the shame that leads to the lies and concealment. It is the shame that keeps us trying to fight on our own. It is the shame that keeps us from reaching out to those who may be able to help. It is the shame that leads us from a slip to a full-blown relapse.

So what does it mean to despise the shame of our cross? The word despise means to regard with contempt,  distaste, disgust, or disdain; scorn; loathe. When we despise the shame of our cross, we turn our backs on the shame. We become open and honest with ourselves and others about the true nature of our cross. This does not mean we necessarily have to tell everyone about our addictions, but we do need to be honest with those who have a right to know (spouse, bishop, etc.).

How do we get to the point of despising our shame? Honestly, I don't know. I'm sure it is different for each person. I do know that learning to despise the shame is an important part of my recovery.

The final piece of this verse is the blessings reserved for those who do learn this lesson, "...they shall inherit the kingdom of God, which was prepared for them from the foundation of the world..." This is a concept that I am still having difficulty grasping. The kingdom of God was prepared for me. The kingdom is not being prepared for me, that's already done. I'm just trying to prove myself worthy to inherit it.

The next blessing is also important for me, "...their joy shall be full forever." I have already tasted of the joy that came when I first started to despise the shame of my cross. The load that was lifted as I made a full confession to my wife and then to my bishop brought even more joy. I want to continue to feel of that joy. I can only imagine what a fullness of joy might be, and to experience that forever is beyond my comprehension at this time.

Until the time when I am able to fully understand the joy that is available to me, I will continue to endure my cross. I will continue to learn to despise the shame of it. I will continue to experience the joy that is available to me now, and I will continue to express my gratitude to my Father and my Savior for allowing me to make this journey.

Living With An Adict's Lies

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

I never dreamed I would live with addicts--that wasn't my "happily ever after"; but in an odd way it has become my happily-ever-today.  I want to share the good and the ugly as I have watched my "addicts."

The Good

The best parts of living with an addict are the moments of candor and honesty.  The times when you can look into each other's soul and really connect and understand the pain the other is facing, the joy they experience and the hope they finally feel.  Watching another grow into the person they really, truly want to be is beautiful.

The Bad

Knowing you have been lied to.  Part of the web of addiction I have had to come to grips with is the network of lies told to protect and hide the truth.  As Edmond explained, the limbic system of the brain avoids pain and seeks pleasure.  Confrontation is pain; lies cover the pain; hide from enough pain and eventually you won't know what is a lie anymore.

Edmond was an exceptionally brilliant liar.  Like Snape of Harry Potter fame, Edmond could hide the truth deep down in his soul.  His cloak of goodness slipped occasionally and I would wonder what was wrong-- what was going on.  I knew that I wanted counseling, but had no idea why and what was really distancing us in our relationship.

Those years of struggle, wonder, and confusion pushed me to question who I was and what I wanted.  I was blessed to have dear friends challenge me to become a better person; not to ignore the issues, but to learn to love and forgive even when I didn't understand.  To open the boxes of pain, share the hurt with my Savior and ask him to take it for me, because I couldn't be the person I wanted when I was storing all my pain and hurt and never forgiving those around me.

Even in the bad, with the love of the Savior in my life, good things happened.  I grew and I loved.  Edmond's desire to change has been the icing on a cake baked in the crucible of hard work and love. (And really, while icing really compliments the cake, a good cake is nothing to turn up your nose about. My growth made the bad not so... well bad.)

The UGLY

Edmond is not the only addict I have lived with.  We hosted Fernand in our home for several months.  For the sake of differentiating the Bad from the UUUUGLY, let me compare Edmond and Fernand.

Edmond is at heart a really good guy!  His moral center is dead on.  He has known his whole life that the addiction that haunts him is a problem and not the way he wants to live. Edmond tried to fight the fight.  Edmond's lies were to hide his pain and suffering.  From what I understand, he lied as little as possible-- he really wanted to do the right thing.  (Note the desire was in the right place, even if the actions were not always following with that desire.)

Fernand was a different story.  Fernand lied to gain advantage and to get what he wanted.  Our communications were filled with stretches of truth, back peddling from statements, promises, blatant disregard for the promises made and lame excuses to justify himself.

I hate to make a distinction with lies-- some being better than others when they all stink-- but really there is a stark difference in the energy, peace, and joy in a home when this malicious kind of lie takes over.

Now, I don't consider myself a love light-wieght.  I can and have loved tough people.  I know that about myself.  Loving Fernand was INCREDIBLY challenging, draining and disheartening. I knew I couldn't control, cajole or force his behavior; all I could do was pray, hope, and watch him make poor choices.

Watching and waiting is painful.  I think WATCHING was the best gift Mary could give her son as He hung on the cross.  To watch with Him, stay beside Him and continue to love as He suffered and died.  Maybe that is the gift we can give to our Fernands.  To watch and love even when it is painful.


Ladies, we can LOVE, really LOVE as we focus on the Love our Savior has for us.  We will fail (been there, done that, doing it again tomorrow).  We will watch others fail.

But Love we can, through the Good, the Bad and the UGLY.

My Two Brains

One of the most powerful things I have learned through my counselor is the psychological underpinnings of addiction. I learned why I always felt like there were two 'me's'. The me who wanted more than anything to get away from and defeat my addiction, and the me who was powerless to control myself when faced with temptations. The answer was in my two brains.

No, I don't really have two brains. What I do have is two parts to my brain, the limbic system, and the prefrontal cortex. The limbic system is the part of the brain that is responsible for survival. It is concerned with making sure we get the things we need to survive (food, water, air, shelter, etc.). The limbic systems main goals are to avoid pain and seek pleasure. The prefrontal cortex on the other hand is the rational part of the brain. This is the area of the brain where morals and values are processed. This is the part of the brain that processes right and wrong.

These two parts of the brain can be compared to the natural man and the spirit. King Benjamin teaches us:

 "For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." (Mosiah 3:19)

This is what has become powerful to me in my recovery. The goal is not to fight the natural main. The goal is to "yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit". Many of my challenges and failings have been that I was trying to fight the natural man, I was trying to fight my limbic system. The limbic system perceives this as a threat and tries to replace the pain of fighting with something pleasurable. For me that pleasurable thing was pornography and masturbation.

In trying to fight against my addiction, I was actually reinforcing it. I cannot fight my addiction. It is stronger and more skilled at fighting. Instead of fighting, I need to "yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit." I need to become a saint through the atonement of Jesus Christ.

For me, this means I no longer fight when I am faced with temptations, triggers, challenges, or whatever term you want to use for them. Instead, I acknowledge them and choose to walk away. This is the beauty of my two brains. While the limbic system is very good at trying to get me to seek pleasure and avoid pain, it requires the permission of the prefrontal cortex to actually make any part of my body physically move. The natural man requires the permission of the spirit to be able to act. My challenge then is to strengthen my spirit so it has the power to say "I understand you want to do that, but I choose to yield to the Holy Spirit."

I choose to not fight, but instead to walk away from my addiction and into the arms of My Savior Jesus Christ.

The Beginning

Hello, my name is Edmond Dantes. I have been married to my wife Haydee for a little over 15 years. For the past 25 years, I have been addicted to lust. For me, this has been manifest through my use of pornography and masturbation. About 11 years ago, I admitted my use of pornography to my wife and to my bishop. Haydee and I both thought that would be the end of it, but it wasn't. Within a few months, I was back into my addiction and my lies to cover it up.

About 2 months ago, I had an experience that caused me to realize that my life could no longer continue heading in the direction it was going. I started researching sex addiction and resources for overcoming it. I was hoping to find something that I could do on my own, but that is not how it works. A few days later, I was talking with my wife, and I couldn't stop myself from saying what I was going through. The next day, I told her more about the nature and extent of my addiction. I also called and made an appointment to see the bishop.

Both Haydee and the bishop responded in a manner that was beyond my comprehension. They both responded with love and a confidence that working together we could overcome this addiction. This response was unbelievable to my addicted mind. I could only see myself as a worthless sinner who was undeserving of love from anyone. Their response gave me a glimmer of hope that maybe there was more to me than my addiction. With their encouragement, I've started counseling and attending a support group.

I have also continued researching on my own. It was through this research that I found the LDS Addiction Recovery Blogs. I have found great strength and insights from both the blogs of those struggling with addiction and the blogs of those whose family members are struggling with addiction. What I did not find were any blogs in the middle. That is the inspiration for this blog. In this blog, Haydee and I will be documenting our journey of recovery, both individually and as a couple.

We hope that others will be able to find support and strength from this blog as we have found support and strength from the blogs of others.