Addiction is Hell

This is something that has been in the back of my mind for several months. Addiction is hell for everyone who is touched by it. Those who are in the addiction are suffering physical, emotional, mental and spiritual trauma that cannot be understood until you start to try to find a way out. The loved ones of those in addiction suffer trauma in the same areas. They have experienced and do experience pain and heartache that I can't even begin to imagine.

As humans, we all want to feel like we are in control of our lives. Addiction brings our lives completely out of control. When we are in this state, we sometimes like to point out the faults in others to help us feel better about ourselves. I see it sometimes in the comments on the addiction recovery blogs. "I don't think it's appropriate for ..." "You should have ..." "You shouldn't ...". I'm sure I have done this myself, but I'm starting to realize that everyone affected by addiction needs support and encouragement more than critiques of their choices or circumstances.

With that being said, I would like to use the rest of this post to offer what I hope to be words of support and appreciation.

To those who have been fighting addiction for a long time and have now achieved great periods of sobriety, I say thank you for your example of what is possible. I know it is not easy and takes a consistent day-by-day effort, but because of your example, I know it is possible for me to achieve a level of awareness that will allow me to manage my thoughts and actions in way that will help become the person I was meant to be.

To those who are in the midst of the struggle, I admire you for picking yourselves back up every time you fall. It is not easy to admit when we have made mistakes, but you are willing to do that and then get back to work to make sure it doesn't happen again. You inspire me to want to continue on when I feel like all hope is lost and I can't go on.

To the wives of addicts, I admire your ability to love someone even when they have and continue to hurt you tremendously. I am working to develop this attribute for myself. I am also amazed at your determination to do what you believe is right even when you don't see how it is all going to work out.

I think you all are wonderful people for the things you do despite the challenges and struggles.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Thankful

As mentioned previously, I've recently been studying the visit of Christ to the Nephites in 3 Nephi. The past few days I have been focusing on these verses:

7 Have ye any that are sick among you? Bring them hither. Have ye any that are lame, or blind, or halt, or maimed, or leprous, or that are withered, or that are deaf, or that are afflicted in any manner? Bring them hither and I will heal them, for I have compassion upon you; my bowels are filled with mercy.

8 For I perceive that ye desire that I should show unto you what I have done unto your brethren at Jerusalem, for I see that your faith is sufficient that I should heal you.

9 And it came to pass that when he had thus spoken, all the multitude, with one accord, did go forth with their sick and their afflicted, and their lame, and with their blind, and with their dumb, and with all them that were afflicted in any manner; and he did heal them every one as they were brought forth unto him.

10 And they did all, both they who had been healed and they who were whole, bow down at his feet, and did worship him; and as many as could come for the multitude did kiss his feet, insomuch that they did bathe his feet with their tears. (3 Nephi 17:7-10)

In reading these verses, I find it interesting that those who were afflicted in any manner needed to be brought to the Savior in order to be healed. They were not able to come to Him on their own. I was one of those who was afflicted and needed others to bring me to Christ.

Through pondering on these verses, I have come to a greater realization of how grateful I am for those who have helped to bring me to Christ that I may be healed of my affliction. I am truly thankful for my wife who is the most kind, loving, and forgiving person I know. She shouldn't have to deal with all I have put her through, but she chooses to go through it and love me anyway. She is the most Christlike person I have ever met, and I am amazed at how much love she has to give.

I am also thankful for my Bishop for listening to me and helping me in my quest to become worthy to hold the Priesthood of God and serve my family through that power. I am also grateful to him for helping me to find a therapist who is skilled in addiction recovery.

I am grateful to my therapist for helping me to understand the true nature of my addiction, and for teaching me practical tools to manage my addiction on a day to day basis and rely on my Savior for help.

Mostly I am thankful for my Father in Heaven and my Savior for finding ways to show their love for me even when I was in the depths of addiction. I am grateful for the healing that comes through Christ's Atonement, and I am grateful that they never give up on me.

Thankful for My Addiction?

In a recent group meeting we were talking about the daily struggle with sexual addiction. Our facilitator brought up Captain Moroni and how "his heart did glory in ... resisting temptation" (Alma 48:16). We went on to talk about finding glory in our struggles and tribulations. As we were discussing these things, the following story came back to my mind:

“A teacher, conducting a class, said it was unwise ever to attempt, even to permit them [the Martin handcart company] to come across the plains under such conditions.

“[According to a class member,] some sharp criticism of the Church and its leaders was being indulged in for permitting any company of converts to venture across the plains with no more supplies or protection than a handcart caravan afforded.

“An old man in the corner … sat silent and listened as long as he could stand it, then he arose and said things that no person who heard him will ever forget. His face was white with emotion, yet he spoke calmly, deliberately, but with great earnestness and sincerity.

“In substance [he] said, ‘I ask you to stop this criticism. You are discussing a matter you know nothing about. Cold historic facts mean nothing here, for they give no proper interpretation of the questions involved. Mistake to send the Handcart Company out so late in the season? Yes. But I was in that company and my wife was in it and Sister Nellie Unthank whom you have cited was there, too. We suffered beyond anything you can imagine and many died of exposure and starvation, but did you ever hear a survivor of that company utter a word of criticism? Not one of that company ever apostatized or left the Church, because everyone of us came through with the absolute knowledge that God lives for we became acquainted with him in our extremities.

“‘I have pulled my handcart when I was so weak and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said, I can go only that far and there I must give up, for I cannot pull the load through it.’” He continues: “‘I have gone on to that sand and when I reached it, the cart began pushing me. I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart, but my eyes saw no one. I knew then that the angels of God were there.

“‘Was I sorry that I chose to come by handcart? No. Neither then nor any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay, and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company.’”

This story was quoted by Elder James E. Faust in his talk "The Refiner's Fire" from the April 1979 General Conference (by the way, the entire talk is worth reading).

I have been thinking more about this the past several days. I have been looking at how this relates to my journey in recovery from sexual addiction. Was it a mistake for me to indulge in my addiction? YES, it was. Would I choose again to myself and my family through the devastation caused by my actions? NO, I would not.

With that being said, this addiction is something that requires me to humble myself and trust in the Lord. Those are things I am not very good at on my own. In fact, I am really terrible at them. This journey of recovery is the price I am paying to become acquainted with God, and for that, I am thankful.

Musings on Answered Prayers

Remember the day I sat in the corner of the celestial room sobbing?  I do; maybe you've been there too.  I remember pleading for the blessings of the priesthood to be restored to my entire family.  I prayed and hoped for the day Edmond and I would sit there together again.  The future looked bleak.  I saw no silver lining in the storm that raged in my heart.  Yet the Lord sent me His peace.

May 29, Edmond accompanied me to the temple.  As I sat holding his hand, I marveled at the blessings the last three months have brought in our lives.  The power of the atonement of Jesus Christ, His love and His grace have enabled Edmond and me to to heal; to enact change in ourselves individually and as a couple; to hope in the future; to remember the pains of the past no more.

It has been a joy to see Edmond grow in his testimony of the Savior's healing power; to watch him strive to be his best; to enjoy Edmond just being present with our family playing and engaging with our children.

The promise of hope, of "sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored" has been ours through the miraculous gift of our Savior and Redeemer.  I never anticipated that the Lord would answer my prayers so completely.  I thank the Lord for His gracious goodness.