When I first started to recognize my addiction, I started to read as much as I could find. Some of the greatest sources of comfort to me were the blogs of other LDS addicts and their spouses. One of the concepts that I kept reading about but didn't really understand was the concept of "Dailies".
As I got into a recovery program, I began to understand that dailies are the things we do each day in order to overcome our addiction. Even at this point, I still did not truly understand the concept of dailies. In fact, I am still learning more about this each day.
I started with a daily routine of prayer and scripture study. I later added meditation and a daily planning session to set goals for the day. The problem was, I was doing these things as a method of fighting against my addiction. The problem is that fighting against this addiction does not work.
The further I get into recovery, the more I understand that the battle over my addiction has already been fought and won. I was never even a participant in this battle. The battle over my addiction was won by my Savior, Jesus Christ, through the power of His infinite Atonement.
My daily routine is not a matter of fighting the battle. It is a matter of choosing which side I am on. I place myself on the side of the victor or of the defeated by my actions each day. This is a choice I have to make every day. That is what the concept of dailies means to me now.
I study my scriptures each day because I love my Savior and I want to be closer to Him. I pray each day to develop a relationship with my Father in heaven. I meditate each day to train my mind to focus on those things which are of the greatest importance and to teach me to give my full attention to the promptings of the Holy Ghost. I set goals each day to help me move in the direction I want to go to be able to return to live with those I love and am learning to love more each day.
The wonderful thing about this is that, as I turn my life to my Father and my Savior in this manner, I am supported and sustained by them. I am able to withstand the challenges that face me each day because I choose to put myself on their side.
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
How I Would Answer
The latest edition of the New Era reached my mailbox yesterday. After reading the comics with my kids, I flipped through a couple pages seeing what the different articles were about. A call for responses in the Questions and Answers section caught my eye.
The Questions and Answers sections asks youth how they would answer a question from a friend and shares varied views on how to approach a topic. The upcoming question is, "I'm trying to control my thoughts, but there are so many temptations. How can I have cleaner thoughts?"
The addict's wife in me wanted to jump up to my computer and write. I wanted to compose a beautiful answer to these youth with real, meaningful answers from someone who has really had to live this (personally and vicariously with Edmond...) But I have long passed any semblance of "young womanhood." So I'll tell you what I would write and hope that will suffice.
The Questions and Answers sections asks youth how they would answer a question from a friend and shares varied views on how to approach a topic. The upcoming question is, "I'm trying to control my thoughts, but there are so many temptations. How can I have cleaner thoughts?"
The addict's wife in me wanted to jump up to my computer and write. I wanted to compose a beautiful answer to these youth with real, meaningful answers from someone who has really had to live this (personally and vicariously with Edmond...) But I have long passed any semblance of "young womanhood." So I'll tell you what I would write and hope that will suffice.
Dear Concerned Teen,
Tempting and inappropriate thoughts are normal. I'll say it again and even spell it out for you. Temptations are N-O-R-M-A-L. Everyone has them. Even grown ups. So what do you do when one pops into the mind.
Popular anecdotes suggest, running from the temptation (think Joseph in Egypt) and willing a positive/spiritual thought to take the tempting thought's place (think sing a hymn or reciting a scripture). This may work for a while, but when and if they fail, they leave the helpless soul feeling frustrated, disillusioned, heartbroken and sorrowful.
The real lesson to be learned is this:Control is an illusion. Control is futile. Control is the way of the adversary-- remember how Satan tried to take away agency and force everyone to return to heaven. The Savior's way has never been to control or force the mind or will to obey. If He won't use force, we shouldn't force us either. Force, control and fleeing all lead down the wrong path (read about Edmond's experience). The hymn teaches that the Savior will,
...call, persuade, direct aright,And bless with wisdom, love, and light,In nameless ways be good and kind,But never force the human mind.
The task given to us as mortals is to learn to guide, direct, lead and influence in love our thoughts so as to allow our minds to become one with the Savior- as He is one with the Father. Thus we comprehend the magnitude of the covenant to remember Him always. Much of the choice or power we have with our thoughts is the attention we give them. (Edmond wrote beautifully about this.)
One of my favorite books teaches, "Where you tend a rose, my lad, a thistle can not grow." Giving attention to the rose means we we dig about it, prune it, dung it, nourish it. In caring for the rose, no thistle has a chance to take root. Filling your mind with who you are, who you represent, whose you are, the love you have received from the Savior, loving others around, the beauty of the world's creations and all the other positives of mortal life will not leave room for the negative or destructive thoughts.
Let me repeat, lest you misunderstand. In a moment of temptation, you can not force clean thoughts; you can not fight that demon. Only one can-- and He already has. You must fill your life with good before the temptation comes, so when it does come there won't be a place for it to stay. The temptation can fade away gently from before your mind's eye and you can continue on in Love and Life.
What do you do when a temptation crosses your mind. If you have filled your life with things of Christ, you can let it go with confidence, knowing that you can rely on the Savior. Now get back to pruning that rose.
Much love and Many Prayers for You,
Haydee Dantes
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Walking Away from Temptaion
I have struggled for a long time with how to deal with temptations (or triggers, or whatever you want to call them). All my life I have heard terms like "resist temptation" or "flee from evil". I always took this to mean I needed to fight against my temptations. I would try to ignore the temptation. I would sing a hymn. I would read my scriptures. I would do all of these things to fight against the temptation, but I always lost. Fighting the addiction would always lead to me eventually giving in. This would leave me with feelings of worthlessness because I was not strong enough to overcome.
I would read scriptures like 1 Cor 10:13 and think "maybe this doesn't apply to me, maybe it is just for the normal people". Like most addicts, I thought I was different. I thought I was so vile that I was beyond the reach of the Atonement.
I was completely wrong. I am NOT beyond the reach of the Atonement. I am a son of God. Jesus Christ is MY Savior and Redeemer. He is MY brother, and He went through everything to do with the Atonement for ME. It has taken me a long time to understand that if no one else ever lived on the earth, Christ would still carry out the Atonement just for me.
I was also wrong about how to deal with temptations. It always seemed like my options were to fight the temptation until I gave in to it, or to just give in immediately and get it over with. This isn't true. There is a third option for me. That option is to not do anything with a temptation. It sounds a little crazy when you first think about it, but it has all of the power for me.
Think of it like a boxing ring. A temptation comes and puts me in the ring with a champion heavyweight boxer (my addict). I could just stand there and take my beating (just giving in), or I could try to fight him and still take my beating. The third option is to just get out of the ring and walk away. To not do anything is not to ignore my temptation or addiction, I am still perfectly aware it is there. It is also not to try to actively fight against it. I can just acknowledge its existence and then go on with whatever I was already doing.
The incredible thing is this works for more than just the temptation view pornography or masturbate. It also works with the feelings of guilt and shame that have been coming the longer I get into sobriety and recovery. Recently, I have caught myself feeling frustrated if I even encounter a trigger. I would think "I should be beyond this. Why am I still having thoughts like this." I've come to realize these criticizing thoughts are just another way for my addict to get me back into the ring. I don't want to get back in the ring, so I just need to let these thoughts go as if they were actual thoughts to indulge in my addiction because this is what they really are.
My addiction has no more power over me as long as I continue to walk away from the ring.
I would read scriptures like 1 Cor 10:13 and think "maybe this doesn't apply to me, maybe it is just for the normal people". Like most addicts, I thought I was different. I thought I was so vile that I was beyond the reach of the Atonement.
I was completely wrong. I am NOT beyond the reach of the Atonement. I am a son of God. Jesus Christ is MY Savior and Redeemer. He is MY brother, and He went through everything to do with the Atonement for ME. It has taken me a long time to understand that if no one else ever lived on the earth, Christ would still carry out the Atonement just for me.
I was also wrong about how to deal with temptations. It always seemed like my options were to fight the temptation until I gave in to it, or to just give in immediately and get it over with. This isn't true. There is a third option for me. That option is to not do anything with a temptation. It sounds a little crazy when you first think about it, but it has all of the power for me.
Think of it like a boxing ring. A temptation comes and puts me in the ring with a champion heavyweight boxer (my addict). I could just stand there and take my beating (just giving in), or I could try to fight him and still take my beating. The third option is to just get out of the ring and walk away. To not do anything is not to ignore my temptation or addiction, I am still perfectly aware it is there. It is also not to try to actively fight against it. I can just acknowledge its existence and then go on with whatever I was already doing.
The incredible thing is this works for more than just the temptation view pornography or masturbate. It also works with the feelings of guilt and shame that have been coming the longer I get into sobriety and recovery. Recently, I have caught myself feeling frustrated if I even encounter a trigger. I would think "I should be beyond this. Why am I still having thoughts like this." I've come to realize these criticizing thoughts are just another way for my addict to get me back into the ring. I don't want to get back in the ring, so I just need to let these thoughts go as if they were actual thoughts to indulge in my addiction because this is what they really are.
My addiction has no more power over me as long as I continue to walk away from the ring.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Watching My Thoughts
This is a concept that has always been elusive to me. I know that we are commanded to "watch our thoughts," but what does that really mean? I have never understood how to actually watch my thoughts. I would "watch" as unwholesome thoughts would enter my mind and completely take over. Watching my thoughts almost made me feel powerless over them. Like I was just a bystander who could only watch and do nothing to help.
In the last few months, I have learned that watching my thoughts is much more than that. To truly watch my thoughts, I need to actively pay attention to them and then decide which thoughts to focus attention and energy on. It sounds so easy! Unfortunately, as someone who has spent the majority of my life allowing the addicted part of my brain run the show, it has been quite difficult to do this.
In my previous post, I mentioned that the key to this for me is meditation. The type of meditation I have learned is very simple but powerful in learning to watch my thoughts.
The first step in this type of meditation is to choose a passage to meditate on. It could be a passage of scripture, a quote, or any other passage that is meaningful to you. The only qualifications are that it must be long enough to have deep meaning to you, and it must be short enough to be easily committed to memory. I like to use my future picture statement that I developed earlier.
Next, you need to find a comfortable place and time to meditate. You need to be in a place where you will not be easily interrupted, and where you will not get uncomfortable. I like to meditate early in the morning before anyone else is awake. I have chosen my kitchen where I sit in a chair with my hands resting gently in my lap.
Take a few deep cleansing breaths to help clear your mind. Now, slowly repeat the words of your passage. Make sure that each word gets its own emphasis, but that they are still close enough together to have meaning. While you are repeating the passage, pay attention to what is happening in your mind. It will likely get bored fairly quickly and begin to wander. When this happens, acknowledge the thoughts that come into your mind and then gently set them aside and direct your mind back to your passage.
This will take a lot of practice, especially if you are like me and have spent the majority of your life allowing your mind to wander whenever it desires. Begin by meditating for 5 minutes and then as you become more proficient at directing your thoughts slowly increase the time. I have found that 10 minutes of this type of meditation each morning helps me to focus my mind and be aware of what thoughts enter it. I then have the ability to choose which thoughts to give attention to and which ones to allow to fall by the wayside.
With this level of awareness, I no longer have to fight inappropriate thoughts when they enter my mind. I can acknowledge them and set them aside. I am now able to watch my thoughts and choose where to focus my attention.
In the last few months, I have learned that watching my thoughts is much more than that. To truly watch my thoughts, I need to actively pay attention to them and then decide which thoughts to focus attention and energy on. It sounds so easy! Unfortunately, as someone who has spent the majority of my life allowing the addicted part of my brain run the show, it has been quite difficult to do this.
In my previous post, I mentioned that the key to this for me is meditation. The type of meditation I have learned is very simple but powerful in learning to watch my thoughts.
The first step in this type of meditation is to choose a passage to meditate on. It could be a passage of scripture, a quote, or any other passage that is meaningful to you. The only qualifications are that it must be long enough to have deep meaning to you, and it must be short enough to be easily committed to memory. I like to use my future picture statement that I developed earlier.
Next, you need to find a comfortable place and time to meditate. You need to be in a place where you will not be easily interrupted, and where you will not get uncomfortable. I like to meditate early in the morning before anyone else is awake. I have chosen my kitchen where I sit in a chair with my hands resting gently in my lap.
Take a few deep cleansing breaths to help clear your mind. Now, slowly repeat the words of your passage. Make sure that each word gets its own emphasis, but that they are still close enough together to have meaning. While you are repeating the passage, pay attention to what is happening in your mind. It will likely get bored fairly quickly and begin to wander. When this happens, acknowledge the thoughts that come into your mind and then gently set them aside and direct your mind back to your passage.
This will take a lot of practice, especially if you are like me and have spent the majority of your life allowing your mind to wander whenever it desires. Begin by meditating for 5 minutes and then as you become more proficient at directing your thoughts slowly increase the time. I have found that 10 minutes of this type of meditation each morning helps me to focus my mind and be aware of what thoughts enter it. I then have the ability to choose which thoughts to give attention to and which ones to allow to fall by the wayside.
With this level of awareness, I no longer have to fight inappropriate thoughts when they enter my mind. I can acknowledge them and set them aside. I am now able to watch my thoughts and choose where to focus my attention.
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