Like Drift Wood

I grew up near the water front and as a child loved to play on the beaches of the Pacific Northwest.  The water was always frigid even on the warmest July days.  But the warmth of the sun balanced the cool wetness of the rocky beach.  I spent hours exploring the woods near the water, jumping, running, laughing.  My brothers and I would pick up drift wood sticks, washed white and smooth by the pounding of the waves and sand alternating with the baking heat of the sun.  These sticks were pirate knives and we were ready to fight to protect our beach head from invaders from the sea.  At day's end as the sky was darkening and night cast shadows, we would leave our booty behind, retreating to the light and warmth of our home.


I keep thinking of that smooth wood.  The beating it took over the years that turned it from a rough bark encrusted piece of wood into a smooth almost polished beauty.  I am sure the sand, and the wind, and the rain and the sun were not comfortable to that humble piece of wood.  Soaking and wet then baking dryness; lashing winds and salt eroding away at its surface.  But a work of beauty and calm lies underneath waiting to be exposed.

Today I feel like that beat up piece of wood- not so patiently waiting for the sun and sand and wind to let up.  Crawling knee deep in the muck, the seaweed and stink.  Wanting it all to go away, but knowing that all this is necessary for me to be what I want -- that smooth and beautiful piece of driftwood--

Remembering today that healing takes time.

Musings on Answered Prayers

Remember the day I sat in the corner of the celestial room sobbing?  I do; maybe you've been there too.  I remember pleading for the blessings of the priesthood to be restored to my entire family.  I prayed and hoped for the day Edmond and I would sit there together again.  The future looked bleak.  I saw no silver lining in the storm that raged in my heart.  Yet the Lord sent me His peace.

May 29, Edmond accompanied me to the temple.  As I sat holding his hand, I marveled at the blessings the last three months have brought in our lives.  The power of the atonement of Jesus Christ, His love and His grace have enabled Edmond and me to to heal; to enact change in ourselves individually and as a couple; to hope in the future; to remember the pains of the past no more.

It has been a joy to see Edmond grow in his testimony of the Savior's healing power; to watch him strive to be his best; to enjoy Edmond just being present with our family playing and engaging with our children.

The promise of hope, of "sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored" has been ours through the miraculous gift of our Savior and Redeemer.  I never anticipated that the Lord would answer my prayers so completely.  I thank the Lord for His gracious goodness.

Trusting in the True Source

A few months ago, I wrote my future picture statement (a positive statement of who I am and who I want to be).  I felt inspired to include,  "Because I know who I am, I trust."  I want to trust the people around me, Edmond especially, but I have struggled with feeling down, because I do not always trust-- others or myself for that matter.  I feel disappointment that I don't measure up to my own expectations or hopes.

As I have been working through this, I realized that the only person I am commanded to trust is the Lord.  In fact, Nephi admonishes, "Cursed is he that putteth his trust in man, or maketh flesh his arm, or shall hearken unto the precepts of men, save their precepts shall be given by the power of the Holy Ghost" (2 Nephi 28:31).

Contrast that with, "And whoso trusteth in the Lord, happy is he" (Proverbs 16:20).

When I trust in the natural man, I am frustrated, bitter, angry, hurt and disappointed-- all the muck Satan wants me to wallow in.  When I rely on the Lord, I feel peace, hope, joy, compassion, and love-- the character traits of the Savior himself.

As I trust the Savior, I find Him near me, leading and guiding me to "green pastures" and "still waters."  Though I still must toil through my challenges, "I fear no evil for [He is] with me"  As I continue to trust the Lord, "goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever" (Psalm 23).

When I feel overwhelmed and afraid, I can trust that, "the lord hath not given me the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7).

When I feel discouraged I can "lift up [my] head and rejoice and trust in... that God who was the God of Abraham" and know that He will deliver me as he did the people of Israel (Mosiah 7:19).

When I feel sad I can remember that the Lord "in all cases" extends His "arm of mercy towards them that put their trust in him" (Mosiah 29:20).

Because I am His Daughter, I Trust the Lord!

Feeling God's Love

Usually I love General Conference.  I plan my activities and groceries around a weekend on the couch soaking in the good word.  This year General Conference happened to fall a couple weeks after Edmond's confession and boy did I need spiritual nourishment.

Saturday afternoon I settled down ready to listen and learn (I was listening in to the radio while at a daughter's competition-- Edmond was home with the kids).   Elder Bednar spoke about the law of chastity and why honoring that commandment is crucial to finding happiness in our mortal journey.  His words pierced my heart; I felt the pain of wounds that were still a little raw;  my heart yearned to hold Edmond's hand and tell him I loved him-- that I knew this listening to this was painful for him too.  I had prepared my heart to listen and find joy in the Lord's word, and instead I was reminded of our biggest challenge.

Jump forward a couple months.

Today my little one asked me to read scriptures with her.  She directed me to Jacob 3--Jacob's message on morality delivered outside the temple.  Her innocent request led me to Jacob's consoling  words to the righteous in attendance.  In his address, Jacob laments the need to weigh down the minds of the pure in heart with the sins of others, when the innocent had come only to hear the pleasing word of God. (Been there felt that.)  At the end of his discourse, Jacob speaks to the pure in heart, the innocent victims of others actions.

Jacob invites the pure in heart to pray with "exceeding faith" and a "firm mind," with a promise promise that "he [the Lord] will console you in your afflictions and he plead your cause and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction. (Jacob 3:1)"

In the next verse Jacob pleads with the innocent to:

"lift up your heads and receive the pleasing word of God, and
feast upon his love;
for ye may, if your minds are firm, forever." (Jacob 3:2)

What a beautiful promise-- the promise of being enveloped in God's love forever as we receive His word and keep our minds firm.

Twice in two verses, Jacob reminds us to have a firm mind.  For me that means a mind not easily blown about by the whimsy of attention.   One of my favorite passages of scripture reminds me of the power I have to direct my mind to positive feelings.

"Peace I leave with you;  My peace I give unto you.

Not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  

Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

John 14:27

I have the power to focus my mind on God's love.  I have the ability to feast upon God's love for me forever.  I have the strength to let not my heart be troubled.

Eyes Wide Open

I will never forget the night Edmond confessed to me that he had been viewing pornography again.  I had been under the impression that he had been clean since his last confession more than 10 years earlier.  Edmond admitted that his actions could put his career, marriage, and salvation in jeopardy and that he was committed to change.

I wanted to be angry--- to be livid; to scream, kick, hit and generally rip into him.   How DARE he risk our family's welfare!  How DARE he lie to me for years!  But in that moment, I was enveloped in an embrace of love.  I was given the gift of feeling God's deep, abiding love for His son.  I was powerfully reminded that I had married a GOOD MAN; and that good man still existed beneath the sin.  That gift of love silenced my anger, doubt and fears and allowed me the opportunity to express my love and the love I knew the Lord had for Edmond.

The next morning my new reality started sinking in, and I began to feel despair, worry and frustration.  In search of peace, I spent the day at the temple praying for the peace of the atonement to work in my life and in the life of my husband.  That day, I was the sobbing mess in the far corner of the Celestial Room.  But again I was given the gift of peace-- this time in comforting passages of scripture-- reminding me that my struggles and pleading and prayers were known to my Father in Heaven.  He would provide for and care for me.

Later that day Edmond revealed in an email that his addiction included masturbating, that the addiction had begun long before we even met and that while he had been clean when we married, he had struggled for most of our marriage with this problem.  At that point I broke down, again, in a ball of tears wanting to scream to the world, "MY LIFE, MY MARRIAGE HAS BEEN A LIE!"  I hid in my room, let my kids run wild and sobbed like a baby.

Yet again, peace was poured out into my soul.  I was able to be composed and call Edmond, thank him for his honesty and reassure him that, yes, I did want him to continue to be part of my life and that working together we could climb this mountain.

Looking back, I am overcome with gratitude at the tender mercies the Lord sent me in those early days.  The healing balm of love was able to overcome the hurt, confusion and fear.  In moments of panic, I would remember a favorite verse, "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6);"  or, "Let not your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid (John 14:27);" or "God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7)."   "My God hath been my support.... He hath filled me with his love (2Nephi 4: 19-20)."

To the other Edmonds out there:  be honest, frank and open.  Answer your Haydee's questions without guile.  What helped me most to trust Edmond again was his absolute honesty, even when he knew it would hurt me.  He understood that I deserved to know and understand how his actions had affected and infiltrated seemingly innocent aspects of our marriage.  When I questioned Edmond's past motives or wondered if his random spurts of depression were part a trigger or a side affect of the sin, he answered.  From the excuses he made to avoid temple attendance to the obsession with certain aspects of foreplay, Edmond was HONEST with me.  Be open and hide not in the darkness that tells you not to trust your Haydee.  Believe in her ability to love you despite your weaknesses.

To the other Haydees reading this:  be kind and be loving.  Your reaction and your ability to love at the time of confession-- your Edmond's moment of complete vulnerability-- is crucial.  Pray for God's ability to love to bless you as you love your spouse.  Satan will teach you to despair, hate and fear-- but "fear not what man can do; for perfect love casteth out all fear (Moroni 8:16)."  Be a manifestation of God's divine love.  What greater gift can you give someone in the depths of despair than your love, faith, hope and encouragement.  When you doubt your ability to show love, remember Christ has said, "if ye have faith in me, ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me (Moroni 7:33 and again in Moroni 10:23)."  Have faith and hope in the power of atonement; Christ can and will teach you to love and trust again.