Life has been so beautiful. You know when things are cruising- you and your spouse are communicating well, life is blissful, wonderfully in love - the world is at peace. I ought to know that all HELL will break loose in that moment.
That is exactly what happened last week. I went out with my girlfriends and was having a tremendously great time- when the conversation moved in a direction that I did not expect- bisexuality. I was a bit uncomfortable with the conversation, but I really try to be open minded so I let her talk about what she is going through and let her be her. What a beautiful gift to give a friend- They are ok where they are! But I really wasn't ok inside. I started panicing, worrying. Edmond and I stayed up till 3am trying to process why I was so triggered.
Over the next few days memories started flooding my mind- moments in time that I had long buried and tried to forget, praying that it really wasn't me that lived that moment. You see when I was 9 or 10, I went on to a friend's house for a play date- innocent enough- I have kids that age and they do play dates all the time. Only my friend and I didn't just play ponies, barbies and board games. She taught me foreplay and love making skills. I liked it enough to introduce a few friends to this new game. The "play" lasted a summer- and made an appearance at my birthday slumber party where a few friends told me how they didn't think it was right- they weren't comfortable. I think that was the last time I played that game.
The sexual arousal I experienced with girls was confusing. I stole a couple pictures of busty bikini baring ladies my mom was throwing out of dad's Sports Illustrated magazine. I kept them in my drawer and told myself that I liked to look at them because the swimsuits were really pretty. I sat uncomfortably close to other girls. I was fascinated with grown women's cleavage and would stare at it. I remember my mom finding the pictures and her asking me if I liked girls not boys. I laughed at her- and made sure to modify my behavior. Because really, all I wanted was a boy to like me- hold my hand and maybe kiss me.. But I was always interested, fascinated, aroused by the female body. Never once did I connect my sexual introduction by a female to that arousal by other women...
By the time I was fourteen all that was buried deep. The memory resurfaced during college when I began dating Edmond. I went to my bishop to "confess" and to make sure I was temple worthy- I felt so much shame for what I had done and what I did to my friends (I never even considered that what was done to me was a form of sexual abuse, all I felt was shame for what I did)- I didn't want that to hold me back from a future temple marriage. The bishop assured me that I was good, long forgiven and not to worry about it. Spiritually I was clean. Maybe Satan was bringing it up to hold me back from my real potential as a daughter of God. A great concept that I held on to firmly, desperately. Anytime the memory arose, I said, Satan, I am clean! But emotionally the wound was still open.
As I look back on almost 19 years of marriage, I can see how this experience has shaped my intimacy with Edmond- certain things are off limits or just don't happen because they were part of that shameful "play." This impacted my friendships- I was always trying to make up for being the friend who actually hurts others- I had to be the perfect friend, compassionate, listening, helping. EVERYTHING to make up for what I had done. It sure impacts the clothes I am comfortable wearing. Some clothes (bikinis, plunging necklines) are shameful, sexual, lustful pieces of clothing and should be used for the bedroom only, and girls- especially teens- who wear them are only doing so to elicit arousal and attention from teenage boys. Add in LDS taboos and modestly entrenched that sentiment.
So here I am, trying to figure out what I think, what I feel and what I want. (sigh) Trying to figure out that I am still okay and lovable. The best, most wonderful part of the situation is how supportive, kind and caring Edmond has been during the process. Holding me when all I could do was cry. Gently rubbing my back as I try to get this all out. Accepting that I may be attracted to women and not caring one bit. Loving me just the same.
And then I understood. Edmond's gift of love, acceptance and support- love I didn't feel I deserved or warranted- was the same gift I had given him 3 years ago when he confessed his addiction issues. When I loved and accepted Edmond and helped him through his addiction, I
never understood the magnitude of just being there and being kind. Edmond's generosity, kindness and love has lifted me and helped me each day. In small and simple ways he blesses my life. I feel loved, I feel honored, I feel accepted. What greater gift can we give the people we love?
Kindness. Love. Acceptance.
Showing posts with label addiction recovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label addiction recovery. Show all posts
Friday, July 29, 2016
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Continuing the Journey
It has been a long while since I posted and so much has been happening. Edmond is still in active recovery.. a place where I am sure he will be for years, relearning how to handle stress, disappointment and hurt in positive ways. And while he is learning I am learning too.
Honestly, the last six months have been so hellish for me. You would think that the first six months would be harder, but I was surrounded by God's love and buoyed up and comforted in way that I just felt peace. Two and half years into recovery, I began to feel the weight of it all. You could see that in my posts in the spring and summer. Just heavy, weight, darkness, despair. I couldn't write, I couldn't feel hope. It was all darkness. It was an existential crisis. What was real? Did God exist? Could I trust anyone? I can't even trust myself! I can't tell truth from lies. I honestly didn't know what was real anymore. My reality shattered. All that was left was pain and sorrow.
I was working with a therapist who encouraged me to check out the LDS recovery site for addicts' families. I read through the first article and sat and cried- then I paced, then I wanted to throw things. Why? I was so angry. The list of feelings addicts loved ones may feel were so trivial. Temple covenants, financial concerns, criminal charges. Sure, issues to address. But I didn't know who I was anymore. All of those concerns seemed so far away. How can I deal with that, if I don't know what I believe, think or want anymore. I had no belief that I would feel joy or light again. I had no belief that I would feel loved, safe or protected. I worried about and waited for the next disclosure. The next time my heart would be ripped out and stomped on. How could I even begin to deal with those issues. My therapist was shocked and stunned that the site would trigger me so much. He carefully avoided LDS recovery after that. But I still didn't find peace.
Finally a good friend found an article that explained to me that I wasn't crazy. That I wasn't off my rocker. It spoke to me in a way that logically explained why I felt all the things I was feeling. Finally I was seen and understood by someone, and I wasn't just CRAZY, or worse an over-reacting, hyper paranoid female! So this article is long... and very technical/academic.. but is worth the time. 13 Dimensions of Sex Addiction Induced Trauma
After I understood me, I had to be super brave. I asked Edmond to read it and ask me which aspects applied to me currently. (It took a couple weeks of wanting, wishing and some hints before I was able to say clearly, aloud, it would mean a lot to me if you would read this and talk to me about it... Sweet man that he was, he asked why didn't you tell me sooner you wanted this-- sheepish grin. I'm learning to trust you with what I really want.)
It was a beautiful way for me to feel validated and seen. Edmond even asked what he could do. The answer was just to see me, to understand where I am and love me anyway. I had felt so much guilt and yuck about all I had been feeling, and having a person I care about most understand me meant so much. I feel hope.
Honestly, the last six months have been so hellish for me. You would think that the first six months would be harder, but I was surrounded by God's love and buoyed up and comforted in way that I just felt peace. Two and half years into recovery, I began to feel the weight of it all. You could see that in my posts in the spring and summer. Just heavy, weight, darkness, despair. I couldn't write, I couldn't feel hope. It was all darkness. It was an existential crisis. What was real? Did God exist? Could I trust anyone? I can't even trust myself! I can't tell truth from lies. I honestly didn't know what was real anymore. My reality shattered. All that was left was pain and sorrow.
I was working with a therapist who encouraged me to check out the LDS recovery site for addicts' families. I read through the first article and sat and cried- then I paced, then I wanted to throw things. Why? I was so angry. The list of feelings addicts loved ones may feel were so trivial. Temple covenants, financial concerns, criminal charges. Sure, issues to address. But I didn't know who I was anymore. All of those concerns seemed so far away. How can I deal with that, if I don't know what I believe, think or want anymore. I had no belief that I would feel joy or light again. I had no belief that I would feel loved, safe or protected. I worried about and waited for the next disclosure. The next time my heart would be ripped out and stomped on. How could I even begin to deal with those issues. My therapist was shocked and stunned that the site would trigger me so much. He carefully avoided LDS recovery after that. But I still didn't find peace.
Finally a good friend found an article that explained to me that I wasn't crazy. That I wasn't off my rocker. It spoke to me in a way that logically explained why I felt all the things I was feeling. Finally I was seen and understood by someone, and I wasn't just CRAZY, or worse an over-reacting, hyper paranoid female! So this article is long... and very technical/academic.. but is worth the time. 13 Dimensions of Sex Addiction Induced Trauma
After I understood me, I had to be super brave. I asked Edmond to read it and ask me which aspects applied to me currently. (It took a couple weeks of wanting, wishing and some hints before I was able to say clearly, aloud, it would mean a lot to me if you would read this and talk to me about it... Sweet man that he was, he asked why didn't you tell me sooner you wanted this-- sheepish grin. I'm learning to trust you with what I really want.)
It was a beautiful way for me to feel validated and seen. Edmond even asked what he could do. The answer was just to see me, to understand where I am and love me anyway. I had felt so much guilt and yuck about all I had been feeling, and having a person I care about most understand me meant so much. I feel hope.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Effects of Abuse
I finally had the balls to say it. That word. The A word. Abuse. That is what I am dealing with. The after effects of abuse. Edmond's behavior during addiction was at times abusive. There I said it.
Edmond's addiction created trauma in my life, and the healing process just keeps going on. Being honest about what our relationship was like during Edmond's addiction cycles has opened me up to a whole new, fun adventure. New because I have never experienced anything like being honest about my feelings. Fun because I am finally clearing out some of the trash that keeps spewing in my face, without me understanding why. This is why: I experienced trauma and the trauma was, well, traumatizing. And while Edmond is in a healthy great place, that doesn't mean the abuse never happened.
I knew it hurt me. Duh, but what did the addiction cycles do to me? What could it do, I didn't even know what was going on. I used to feel lucky I didn't know about the addiction until Edmond was really serious about coming clean. You know, fewer disappointments, fewer broken boundaries, fewer lies. No, no and no. Fifteen years of lies; years of tearing myself inside out and back right again trying to make things ok when they weren't and not having a clue why- just wishing that if only I (fill in the blank) things will get better. Years of being at odds with a monster in the room I never could see.
It took me a while to be willing to admit that I was traumatized. But I see the same behaviors in the kids I work with-- kids who have endured trauma as infants/children and are trying to figure out how to survive in regular families. I think some of these effects are par for the course. Doesn't make it any easier though.
I learned:
1. I don't matter. I don't count; my needs, my wishes, my opinions aren't important. I am a tool used to care for and meet the needs of other people. Never my needs/wants. What do I want? I have no clue what my preferences are; I am a reflection of what you want. I am the ultimate object. (Interesting that with a sex addiction, the objectification goes so much further than just sexual objectification, although that is/can be part of it)
2. I am not enough/ok/lovable. No matter what I do, there is always something I missed, something to improve upon, something I need to be better at. I must always work harder/do more/be more to receive positive attention. All this trying and doing more reinforces the concept that I am just an object- a tool.
3. I can only rely on me. The mental and emotional withdrawals during Edmond's addiction cycles meant that I carried everything. I owned it all- home, yard, finances, worries, relationships, parenting. I learned that I could not trust anyone to be there to help me when I needed it most. Even faith promoting phrases enforced that feeling: pray like it all depends on God and work like it all depends on you. YUP it does all depend on me. Nobody is there to help me.
4. I am not safe-- I am not safe enough to say what I think, do what I want, parent as I see fit or even feel what I feel. The consequences of being at odds with Edmond by saying/doing/being/thinking/feeling something that didn't fall into his narrative of the situation was emotional withdrawal, mean looks and criticism. I only felt safe with my emotions/thoughts/preferences hidden, stuffed down deep where the real me was safe. Emotions became something to fear, something to avoid, something to hide. Besides I didn't really matter; I'm just an object, a tool.
Hard. painful feelings: I am not safe; I can only rely on me; I am not lovable; but all those don't really matter because, I don't matter anyway.
And none of that is really true in the grand scheme of things. But trauma, abuse, neglect, disregard SHOUT those messages loud and clear. They scream and chant relentlessly until you give in to their siren song. You hide, you change, you fear, you cope. You survive. Do what it takes to get through each day unscathed. Pray for strength to do it again, because this is your life, and aren't you supposed to be happy and bloom where you are planted? Of course. Pretend to be happy or at least learn to be content. This is your life.
*I hate ending posts on a sad note, hopeless-- but the trauma part of my life was like this and I want it to be an accurate reflection of that part of me.
Edmond's addiction created trauma in my life, and the healing process just keeps going on. Being honest about what our relationship was like during Edmond's addiction cycles has opened me up to a whole new, fun adventure. New because I have never experienced anything like being honest about my feelings. Fun because I am finally clearing out some of the trash that keeps spewing in my face, without me understanding why. This is why: I experienced trauma and the trauma was, well, traumatizing. And while Edmond is in a healthy great place, that doesn't mean the abuse never happened.
I knew it hurt me. Duh, but what did the addiction cycles do to me? What could it do, I didn't even know what was going on. I used to feel lucky I didn't know about the addiction until Edmond was really serious about coming clean. You know, fewer disappointments, fewer broken boundaries, fewer lies. No, no and no. Fifteen years of lies; years of tearing myself inside out and back right again trying to make things ok when they weren't and not having a clue why- just wishing that if only I (fill in the blank) things will get better. Years of being at odds with a monster in the room I never could see.
It took me a while to be willing to admit that I was traumatized. But I see the same behaviors in the kids I work with-- kids who have endured trauma as infants/children and are trying to figure out how to survive in regular families. I think some of these effects are par for the course. Doesn't make it any easier though.
I learned:
1. I don't matter. I don't count; my needs, my wishes, my opinions aren't important. I am a tool used to care for and meet the needs of other people. Never my needs/wants. What do I want? I have no clue what my preferences are; I am a reflection of what you want. I am the ultimate object. (Interesting that with a sex addiction, the objectification goes so much further than just sexual objectification, although that is/can be part of it)
2. I am not enough/ok/lovable. No matter what I do, there is always something I missed, something to improve upon, something I need to be better at. I must always work harder/do more/be more to receive positive attention. All this trying and doing more reinforces the concept that I am just an object- a tool.
3. I can only rely on me. The mental and emotional withdrawals during Edmond's addiction cycles meant that I carried everything. I owned it all- home, yard, finances, worries, relationships, parenting. I learned that I could not trust anyone to be there to help me when I needed it most. Even faith promoting phrases enforced that feeling: pray like it all depends on God and work like it all depends on you. YUP it does all depend on me. Nobody is there to help me.
4. I am not safe-- I am not safe enough to say what I think, do what I want, parent as I see fit or even feel what I feel. The consequences of being at odds with Edmond by saying/doing/being/thinking/feeling something that didn't fall into his narrative of the situation was emotional withdrawal, mean looks and criticism. I only felt safe with my emotions/thoughts/preferences hidden, stuffed down deep where the real me was safe. Emotions became something to fear, something to avoid, something to hide. Besides I didn't really matter; I'm just an object, a tool.
Hard. painful feelings: I am not safe; I can only rely on me; I am not lovable; but all those don't really matter because, I don't matter anyway.
And none of that is really true in the grand scheme of things. But trauma, abuse, neglect, disregard SHOUT those messages loud and clear. They scream and chant relentlessly until you give in to their siren song. You hide, you change, you fear, you cope. You survive. Do what it takes to get through each day unscathed. Pray for strength to do it again, because this is your life, and aren't you supposed to be happy and bloom where you are planted? Of course. Pretend to be happy or at least learn to be content. This is your life.
*I hate ending posts on a sad note, hopeless-- but the trauma part of my life was like this and I want it to be an accurate reflection of that part of me.
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Like Drift Wood
I grew up near the water front and as a child loved to play on the beaches of the Pacific Northwest. The water was always frigid even on the warmest July days. But the warmth of the sun balanced the cool wetness of the rocky beach. I spent hours exploring the woods near the water, jumping, running, laughing. My brothers and I would pick up drift wood sticks, washed white and smooth by the pounding of the waves and sand alternating with the baking heat of the sun. These sticks were pirate knives and we were ready to fight to protect our beach head from invaders from the sea. At day's end as the sky was darkening and night cast shadows, we would leave our booty behind, retreating to the light and warmth of our home.
I keep thinking of that smooth wood. The beating it took over the years that turned it from a rough bark encrusted piece of wood into a smooth almost polished beauty. I am sure the sand, and the wind, and the rain and the sun were not comfortable to that humble piece of wood. Soaking and wet then baking dryness; lashing winds and salt eroding away at its surface. But a work of beauty and calm lies underneath waiting to be exposed.
Today I feel like that beat up piece of wood- not so patiently waiting for the sun and sand and wind to let up. Crawling knee deep in the muck, the seaweed and stink. Wanting it all to go away, but knowing that all this is necessary for me to be what I want -- that smooth and beautiful piece of driftwood--
Remembering today that healing takes time.
I keep thinking of that smooth wood. The beating it took over the years that turned it from a rough bark encrusted piece of wood into a smooth almost polished beauty. I am sure the sand, and the wind, and the rain and the sun were not comfortable to that humble piece of wood. Soaking and wet then baking dryness; lashing winds and salt eroding away at its surface. But a work of beauty and calm lies underneath waiting to be exposed.
Today I feel like that beat up piece of wood- not so patiently waiting for the sun and sand and wind to let up. Crawling knee deep in the muck, the seaweed and stink. Wanting it all to go away, but knowing that all this is necessary for me to be what I want -- that smooth and beautiful piece of driftwood--
Remembering today that healing takes time.
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Supporting a loved one after a slip
Recently, Haydee has been conversion with a friend who is a former wife of an addict. This friend has had some questions relating to her healing. One of her questions was how can someone best support a loved one who is recovering from a pornography addiction when they have a slip? Haydee passed this question on to me, and I thought I would post my answer here.
The first thing I need to make clear is that each person is different. The answers for how to show support for me will not be the same as how to show support for someone else, but there may be some similarities and that is why I am posting this.
Just like each addict is different, each loved one is also different and will have their own needs and things they are comfortable with. If something that would be helpful to me would make Haydee uncomfortable, I don't expect her to do it. I'm just stating that it would be nice if that happened.
Another thing to understand is that no one can help me recover except for the Savior. Giving support to a loved one with an addiction is not the same thing as trying to "fix" them or make their issues go away.
Now that all of the caveats are out of the way, how can a loved one best support me when I have a slip?
First, don't try to belittle or punish me. Nothing you can say is going to make me feel worse than I already do, but it may trigger my fight or flight mechanism. This leaves me in a more vulnerable state as I have spent many years turning to pornography when that is triggered.
Second, let me know that you still love me. I need to see this in actions as well as words. For me to feel love, I need physical intimacy. This does not mean sexual intimacy, but a hug or a touch on the arm can do amazing things to help me feel that I am OK even if my behavior has been less than what I would desire.
Finally, let me know that you appreciate the efforts I have been making. This will help me to see the progress I have made. Sometimes when I slip, I fail to look back and see how far I have come. It is important for me to remember that the person I am today is not the person I was before. The difference is in the efforts I have made. Help me remember this when I am feeling down after a slip.
I also want to mention that these suggestions are for supporting someone who is actively working on recovery. Someone who is actively pursuing the addiction will probably take these as license to continue in the destructive behavior. In that situation, please do whatever you need to protect yourself and your family.
The first thing I need to make clear is that each person is different. The answers for how to show support for me will not be the same as how to show support for someone else, but there may be some similarities and that is why I am posting this.
Just like each addict is different, each loved one is also different and will have their own needs and things they are comfortable with. If something that would be helpful to me would make Haydee uncomfortable, I don't expect her to do it. I'm just stating that it would be nice if that happened.
Another thing to understand is that no one can help me recover except for the Savior. Giving support to a loved one with an addiction is not the same thing as trying to "fix" them or make their issues go away.
Now that all of the caveats are out of the way, how can a loved one best support me when I have a slip?
First, don't try to belittle or punish me. Nothing you can say is going to make me feel worse than I already do, but it may trigger my fight or flight mechanism. This leaves me in a more vulnerable state as I have spent many years turning to pornography when that is triggered.
Second, let me know that you still love me. I need to see this in actions as well as words. For me to feel love, I need physical intimacy. This does not mean sexual intimacy, but a hug or a touch on the arm can do amazing things to help me feel that I am OK even if my behavior has been less than what I would desire.
Finally, let me know that you appreciate the efforts I have been making. This will help me to see the progress I have made. Sometimes when I slip, I fail to look back and see how far I have come. It is important for me to remember that the person I am today is not the person I was before. The difference is in the efforts I have made. Help me remember this when I am feeling down after a slip.
I also want to mention that these suggestions are for supporting someone who is actively working on recovery. Someone who is actively pursuing the addiction will probably take these as license to continue in the destructive behavior. In that situation, please do whatever you need to protect yourself and your family.
Monday, November 10, 2014
All My Heart, Might, Mind And Strength
It has been a while since either Edmond or I have posted. Life has been good- and bad and all the things that life generally is. We have fantastic days and horrific days and busy days and lazy days. I haven't felt much inspiration for writing. Nothing until last week.
I was at a YW training meeting and the speaker was discussing the theme from this year and how it ties into next year's theme. In case you're not familiar with the themes here they are.
This year's focus was to come unto Christ and be perfected in him.
Another beautiful truth I found in these scriptures was the injunction to first "love God" then "serve him [God]" with all your heart, might, mind, and strength.
I tend to be a doer. My tongue in cheek motto is: If a task is worth doing it is worth over doing. Thus I tend to do (fill in the blank with primary, YW service, recipe creation, cleaning, exercise, or whatever my fancy is at the moment) with ALL my heart might mind and strength--sometimes to the detriment of other things in my life.
But the command is clear. We are to love and serve GOD only with all of our heart, might, mind, and strength (H.M.M.S.). There is no benefit to God when I serve the YW with all my H.M.M.S. to the detriment of my family. Interesting point for me to ponder on.
As the wife of an addict, this phrase gave me so much comfort too. Just as the Lord asks us to Trust Him-- and doesn't command me to trust anyone else, he asks me to give my H.M.M.S. to the most trustworthy and loving source of strength known to man or woman-- Himself.
The words of a primary song echo the feelings of my heart today.
I was at a YW training meeting and the speaker was discussing the theme from this year and how it ties into next year's theme. In case you're not familiar with the themes here they are.
This year's focus was to come unto Christ and be perfected in him.
In 2015 we will focus on serving:Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God.
--Moroni 10:32
We must come unto Christ and allow his atoning sacrifice to become real in our life before we will be able to serve and love as He did. This has been my focus recently. Recognizing when Christ's power and love has enabled me to do more and be more than I am or could ever hope to be on my own. I have seen those little moments, feeling calm when I would naturally want to yell; finding that my loooong to do list is done, and I still have time to relax before kids get home from school; the moment of peace as I stand in the sun and let its rays warm my skin and feel joy, peace, and love. All gifts of the Atonement in my life.Therefore, O ye that embark in the service of God, see that ye serve him with all your heart, might, mind and strength, that ye may stand blameless before God at the last day.
--D&C 4:2
Another beautiful truth I found in these scriptures was the injunction to first "love God" then "serve him [God]" with all your heart, might, mind, and strength.
I tend to be a doer. My tongue in cheek motto is: If a task is worth doing it is worth over doing. Thus I tend to do (fill in the blank with primary, YW service, recipe creation, cleaning, exercise, or whatever my fancy is at the moment) with ALL my heart might mind and strength--sometimes to the detriment of other things in my life.
But the command is clear. We are to love and serve GOD only with all of our heart, might, mind, and strength (H.M.M.S.). There is no benefit to God when I serve the YW with all my H.M.M.S. to the detriment of my family. Interesting point for me to ponder on.
As the wife of an addict, this phrase gave me so much comfort too. Just as the Lord asks us to Trust Him-- and doesn't command me to trust anyone else, he asks me to give my H.M.M.S. to the most trustworthy and loving source of strength known to man or woman-- Himself.
The words of a primary song echo the feelings of my heart today.
I know He lives!I will follow faithfully.My heart I give to Him.I know that my Savior loves me.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Advice for a Teenager Struggling with Addiction
I had a meeting with my Bishop last night. During the interview, he asked me what advice I would give to a teenager who is struggling with pornography and sexual addiction. I was not prepared to answer that question. As I though about it, the first thing that came to mind was that the teenager needs to talk to someone about what is going on. After all, we all know this addiction thrives on secrecy and lies.
As a follow up question, the Bishop asked if I would advise them to talk to their parents. I really struggled with this question. Looking back at my teenage years, there is no way I would have told my parents. Knowing myself, any negative reaction at all from my parents would have driven me further into the addiction. I would have felt I could never tell anyone again about what was going on. On the other hand, a loving response from my parents may have helped me to find recovery earlier in my life and may have kept the addiction from sinking so deep.
As an adult, I would definitely say the dealing with any possible anger or negative reaction from my parents would be better than the years of silent suffering on my own. I'm not sure I would have understood that as a teenager though.
The more I think about it, the more I think my answer would be to seek the guidance of the spirit. While all of our stories are very similar, each individual circumstance is unique. I don't think there is a single answer that fits every situation.
The one thing that is common is that we all have a Father in Heaven and a Savior who love us. They want us to be happy and to return to them. They will always respond to us with love and kindness and encouragement as long as we are striving to put our lives in accordance with their will for us.
I'm sure others have thought about this question, so I'm going to put it out here for others to answer also. What advice would you want to give to a teenager who is struggling with pornography and sexual addiction?
As a follow up question, the Bishop asked if I would advise them to talk to their parents. I really struggled with this question. Looking back at my teenage years, there is no way I would have told my parents. Knowing myself, any negative reaction at all from my parents would have driven me further into the addiction. I would have felt I could never tell anyone again about what was going on. On the other hand, a loving response from my parents may have helped me to find recovery earlier in my life and may have kept the addiction from sinking so deep.
As an adult, I would definitely say the dealing with any possible anger or negative reaction from my parents would be better than the years of silent suffering on my own. I'm not sure I would have understood that as a teenager though.
The more I think about it, the more I think my answer would be to seek the guidance of the spirit. While all of our stories are very similar, each individual circumstance is unique. I don't think there is a single answer that fits every situation.
The one thing that is common is that we all have a Father in Heaven and a Savior who love us. They want us to be happy and to return to them. They will always respond to us with love and kindness and encouragement as long as we are striving to put our lives in accordance with their will for us.
I'm sure others have thought about this question, so I'm going to put it out here for others to answer also. What advice would you want to give to a teenager who is struggling with pornography and sexual addiction?
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
One More Day
Recently, Haydee, reminded me that we are coming close to the one year anniversary of my confession to her. She asked me if I wanted to do anything special to celebrate the progress and healing that have been found in the past year. My response to her was "No, I don't want to do anything special to celebrate that day." I wanted to take some time to explain some of my reasons for not wanting to celebrate.
First, confessing to my wife and then to our bishop was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I had to bring myself to total humility in order to make a full confession of all I had done and the damage I had caused. This was the day I finally turned to the Lord and said, "I don't want to fight this alone any more. I am too weak to do this on my own. I will do whatever you ask of me, but please help me." The love and strength I received from the Lord that day, and that continue today, are more than I could have ever hoped for. The experience is much too sacred to me to celebrate in any ordinary manner.
Second, I have come to more fully appreciate the power of today. I have come to understand that I can easily fall back into the trap of pornography by dwelling on my past mistakes. At the same time, dwelling on past successes can lull me into a false sense of security. The only way for me to stay in a state of recovery is to focus completely on today. I can look back to remember the darkness and remind myself why I don't want to go back there. I can also look forward with a hope in the future, but my focus and energies must be on today and the things I need to do right now.
Finally, the only way I have been able to make it to the point I am at now, is through the power of the Atonement of Christ. The only thing for me to celebrate is the glory of my Lord and Savior. I have done nothing to merit any honor. I will celebrate the mercy of my Lord for pulling me out of the abyss into which I had cast myself, but I can claim no privilege in the rescue.
So, with that, here's to one more day in the Lord. May it be a day that finds all of us engaged with the Lord in the work of salvation for ourselves and those around us.
First, confessing to my wife and then to our bishop was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I had to bring myself to total humility in order to make a full confession of all I had done and the damage I had caused. This was the day I finally turned to the Lord and said, "I don't want to fight this alone any more. I am too weak to do this on my own. I will do whatever you ask of me, but please help me." The love and strength I received from the Lord that day, and that continue today, are more than I could have ever hoped for. The experience is much too sacred to me to celebrate in any ordinary manner.
Second, I have come to more fully appreciate the power of today. I have come to understand that I can easily fall back into the trap of pornography by dwelling on my past mistakes. At the same time, dwelling on past successes can lull me into a false sense of security. The only way for me to stay in a state of recovery is to focus completely on today. I can look back to remember the darkness and remind myself why I don't want to go back there. I can also look forward with a hope in the future, but my focus and energies must be on today and the things I need to do right now.
Finally, the only way I have been able to make it to the point I am at now, is through the power of the Atonement of Christ. The only thing for me to celebrate is the glory of my Lord and Savior. I have done nothing to merit any honor. I will celebrate the mercy of my Lord for pulling me out of the abyss into which I had cast myself, but I can claim no privilege in the rescue.
So, with that, here's to one more day in the Lord. May it be a day that finds all of us engaged with the Lord in the work of salvation for ourselves and those around us.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Pain and Comfort
This past weekend was exceedingly difficult for me. I was completely overwhelmed with everything that I have to do. I felt completely inadequate to be able to keep up with work, school (I'm currently working on a Master's Degree), church callings, and family responsibilities. Add to that counselling and group therapy sessions, and I just couldn't see how it was possible to do everything. I also know that I can't really cut out anything from this list. I have to work to be able to support my family, I know that finishing my degree is something the Lord wants me to do, church callings are important in blessing my life and the lives of those I serve, I need to develop better relationships with my wife and with my children, and counselling and group are essential to my recovery.
I know these are not uncommon, and many people have much more on their plates than I do, but for some reason I was completely overwhelmed to the point of feeling excruciating pain and how much I have to do and how incapable I am of doing it all. This all added up to emotional pain such as I have never felt before. I can't even begin to describe how much this hurt.
I think that pretty much covers the pain part of this post, but what about the comfort part?
Through this experience, I received two types of comfort. The first comfort came in the realization that no matter how bad I felt, I would rather experience that pain than try to mask it with my addictive behaviors. This is a huge breakthrough for me because one of the major components of my addiction was using it to dull the pain I felt from life. Through this experience, I learned that I would rather feel pain in the moment than try to mask it and deal with the consequences of addictive behavior on myself and my family.
The second source of comfort came as I was finally able to come through the pain I was feeling. This comfort came from the Holy Ghost whispering to my hear that I can't do everything I have been asked to do on my own, but I was never asked to do it on my own. I have been asked to do these things by a loving Father in Heaven and He will provide the help I need to be able to complete them. Just like I spent many years trying to overcome my addiction on my own and was never successful, but once I was humble enough to allow the Lord to help me, I started to have success. This is obviously a lesson that I need to learn again. I am not capable of doing anything on my own, but in the strength of the Lord, I can do all things.
I know these are not uncommon, and many people have much more on their plates than I do, but for some reason I was completely overwhelmed to the point of feeling excruciating pain and how much I have to do and how incapable I am of doing it all. This all added up to emotional pain such as I have never felt before. I can't even begin to describe how much this hurt.
I think that pretty much covers the pain part of this post, but what about the comfort part?
Through this experience, I received two types of comfort. The first comfort came in the realization that no matter how bad I felt, I would rather experience that pain than try to mask it with my addictive behaviors. This is a huge breakthrough for me because one of the major components of my addiction was using it to dull the pain I felt from life. Through this experience, I learned that I would rather feel pain in the moment than try to mask it and deal with the consequences of addictive behavior on myself and my family.
The second source of comfort came as I was finally able to come through the pain I was feeling. This comfort came from the Holy Ghost whispering to my hear that I can't do everything I have been asked to do on my own, but I was never asked to do it on my own. I have been asked to do these things by a loving Father in Heaven and He will provide the help I need to be able to complete them. Just like I spent many years trying to overcome my addiction on my own and was never successful, but once I was humble enough to allow the Lord to help me, I started to have success. This is obviously a lesson that I need to learn again. I am not capable of doing anything on my own, but in the strength of the Lord, I can do all things.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
On to the Victory!
I have been struggling the past few weeks with what to write. I've had a few ideas but nothing seemed to feel right. Then, this morning it came to me.
First, a little background. Recently, I've been feeling the need to work on my family history. I haven't really worked on it for several years. Along with that, as I was trying to decide what to study in the scriptures this week, I really felt impressed to study Doctrine and Covenants section 128. This is a section specifically talking about baptism for the dead.
In my study this morning, I came across a verse encouraging us in our efforts in redeeming the dead, but I also saw an application to recovery work:
I know I have been in prison. I have been in a prison of my own making due to the choices I have made. Now, I am breaking free from this prison. I am not completely free, and I may never be completely free in this life. I still have struggles. There are still days when it is incredibly difficult, but those days are not holding me back from my progression. Those days are a reminder of where I have come from and where I am right now.
My challenge each day is to go forward and not backward. I can learn from the past, but I cannot change it. Change only comes by moving forward.
With this in mind, we should all be prepared to move on to the victory!
First, a little background. Recently, I've been feeling the need to work on my family history. I haven't really worked on it for several years. Along with that, as I was trying to decide what to study in the scriptures this week, I really felt impressed to study Doctrine and Covenants section 128. This is a section specifically talking about baptism for the dead.
In my study this morning, I came across a verse encouraging us in our efforts in redeeming the dead, but I also saw an application to recovery work:
Brethren, shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory! Let your hearts rejoice, and be exceedingly glad. Let the earth break forth into singing ... for the prisoners shall go free. (D&C 128:22)Is not recovery from the plague of addiction for ourselves and our loved ones a great cause? Should we not be going forward in this work each day? We should rejoice and be glad because we will go free from our prisons.
I know I have been in prison. I have been in a prison of my own making due to the choices I have made. Now, I am breaking free from this prison. I am not completely free, and I may never be completely free in this life. I still have struggles. There are still days when it is incredibly difficult, but those days are not holding me back from my progression. Those days are a reminder of where I have come from and where I am right now.
My challenge each day is to go forward and not backward. I can learn from the past, but I cannot change it. Change only comes by moving forward.
With this in mind, we should all be prepared to move on to the victory!
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Dailies
When I first started to recognize my addiction, I started to read as much as I could find. Some of the greatest sources of comfort to me were the blogs of other LDS addicts and their spouses. One of the concepts that I kept reading about but didn't really understand was the concept of "Dailies".
As I got into a recovery program, I began to understand that dailies are the things we do each day in order to overcome our addiction. Even at this point, I still did not truly understand the concept of dailies. In fact, I am still learning more about this each day.
I started with a daily routine of prayer and scripture study. I later added meditation and a daily planning session to set goals for the day. The problem was, I was doing these things as a method of fighting against my addiction. The problem is that fighting against this addiction does not work.
The further I get into recovery, the more I understand that the battle over my addiction has already been fought and won. I was never even a participant in this battle. The battle over my addiction was won by my Savior, Jesus Christ, through the power of His infinite Atonement.
My daily routine is not a matter of fighting the battle. It is a matter of choosing which side I am on. I place myself on the side of the victor or of the defeated by my actions each day. This is a choice I have to make every day. That is what the concept of dailies means to me now.
I study my scriptures each day because I love my Savior and I want to be closer to Him. I pray each day to develop a relationship with my Father in heaven. I meditate each day to train my mind to focus on those things which are of the greatest importance and to teach me to give my full attention to the promptings of the Holy Ghost. I set goals each day to help me move in the direction I want to go to be able to return to live with those I love and am learning to love more each day.
The wonderful thing about this is that, as I turn my life to my Father and my Savior in this manner, I am supported and sustained by them. I am able to withstand the challenges that face me each day because I choose to put myself on their side.
As I got into a recovery program, I began to understand that dailies are the things we do each day in order to overcome our addiction. Even at this point, I still did not truly understand the concept of dailies. In fact, I am still learning more about this each day.
I started with a daily routine of prayer and scripture study. I later added meditation and a daily planning session to set goals for the day. The problem was, I was doing these things as a method of fighting against my addiction. The problem is that fighting against this addiction does not work.
The further I get into recovery, the more I understand that the battle over my addiction has already been fought and won. I was never even a participant in this battle. The battle over my addiction was won by my Savior, Jesus Christ, through the power of His infinite Atonement.
My daily routine is not a matter of fighting the battle. It is a matter of choosing which side I am on. I place myself on the side of the victor or of the defeated by my actions each day. This is a choice I have to make every day. That is what the concept of dailies means to me now.
I study my scriptures each day because I love my Savior and I want to be closer to Him. I pray each day to develop a relationship with my Father in heaven. I meditate each day to train my mind to focus on those things which are of the greatest importance and to teach me to give my full attention to the promptings of the Holy Ghost. I set goals each day to help me move in the direction I want to go to be able to return to live with those I love and am learning to love more each day.
The wonderful thing about this is that, as I turn my life to my Father and my Savior in this manner, I am supported and sustained by them. I am able to withstand the challenges that face me each day because I choose to put myself on their side.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Thankful
As mentioned previously, I've recently been studying the visit of Christ to the Nephites in 3 Nephi. The past few days I have been focusing on these verses:
Through pondering on these verses, I have come to a greater realization of how grateful I am for those who have helped to bring me to Christ that I may be healed of my affliction. I am truly thankful for my wife who is the most kind, loving, and forgiving person I know. She shouldn't have to deal with all I have put her through, but she chooses to go through it and love me anyway. She is the most Christlike person I have ever met, and I am amazed at how much love she has to give.
I am also thankful for my Bishop for listening to me and helping me in my quest to become worthy to hold the Priesthood of God and serve my family through that power. I am also grateful to him for helping me to find a therapist who is skilled in addiction recovery.
I am grateful to my therapist for helping me to understand the true nature of my addiction, and for teaching me practical tools to manage my addiction on a day to day basis and rely on my Savior for help.
Mostly I am thankful for my Father in Heaven and my Savior for finding ways to show their love for me even when I was in the depths of addiction. I am grateful for the healing that comes through Christ's Atonement, and I am grateful that they never give up on me.
In reading these verses, I find it interesting that those who were afflicted in any manner needed to be brought to the Savior in order to be healed. They were not able to come to Him on their own. I was one of those who was afflicted and needed others to bring me to Christ.7 Have ye any that are sick among you? Bring them hither. Have ye any that are lame, or blind, or halt, or maimed, or leprous, or that are withered, or that are deaf, or that are afflicted in any manner? Bring them hither and I will heal them, for I have compassion upon you; my bowels are filled with mercy.8 For I perceive that ye desire that I should show unto you what I have done unto your brethren at Jerusalem, for I see that your faith is sufficient that I should heal you.9 And it came to pass that when he had thus spoken, all the multitude, with one accord, did go forth with their sick and their afflicted, and their lame, and with their blind, and with their dumb, and with all them that were afflicted in any manner; and he did heal them every one as they were brought forth unto him.10 And they did all, both they who had been healed and they who were whole, bow down at his feet, and did worship him; and as many as could come for the multitude did kiss his feet, insomuch that they did bathe his feet with their tears. (3 Nephi 17:7-10)
Through pondering on these verses, I have come to a greater realization of how grateful I am for those who have helped to bring me to Christ that I may be healed of my affliction. I am truly thankful for my wife who is the most kind, loving, and forgiving person I know. She shouldn't have to deal with all I have put her through, but she chooses to go through it and love me anyway. She is the most Christlike person I have ever met, and I am amazed at how much love she has to give.
I am also thankful for my Bishop for listening to me and helping me in my quest to become worthy to hold the Priesthood of God and serve my family through that power. I am also grateful to him for helping me to find a therapist who is skilled in addiction recovery.
I am grateful to my therapist for helping me to understand the true nature of my addiction, and for teaching me practical tools to manage my addiction on a day to day basis and rely on my Savior for help.
Mostly I am thankful for my Father in Heaven and my Savior for finding ways to show their love for me even when I was in the depths of addiction. I am grateful for the healing that comes through Christ's Atonement, and I am grateful that they never give up on me.
Monday, November 11, 2013
To Hear and Do
Recently in my scripture study I have been reading the words of Christ to the Nephites in 3 Nephi. In my reading, I came across a passage that is very familiar to me and to just about anyone who has read the Book of Mormon or the Bible. This time, I recognized some things I had never noticed before.
The second thing I noticed is that both men had to endure the same storm. The wise man was not spared from the trial (that would be counter to God's plan for us). He dealt with the same rain, floods, and wind as the foolish man. The difference is that the wise man was prepared to deal with the situation while the foolish man was not.
We are all going to face hard times in life. Sometimes those are of our own making like the choices I made in my youth that led to me becoming addicted to pornography. Sometimes our challenges are the result of the choices of others like my wife having to live with my addiction. Sometimes life is just hard. That is a normal part of our mortal existence.
Our ability to deal with those challenges without being destroyed is based on our preparation. I understand the words of Christ and I believe Him, but my foundation of faith is built in the doing of His words. I build my foundation every day when I get up and study my scriptures even if it would be nice to lay in bed for an extra half hour. I build my foundation every day when I make a plan for my day and then work to achieve the goals I have set.
I do want to be clear about one thing. Doing these actions of themselves does not give me the strength to withstand my challenges. Doing these actions helps me learn how to rely on Jesus Christ to aid me when I need it. Through doing the words of Christ, I come to know Him better and understand His love and care for me. Through doing the words of Christ, I am more prepared to receive of His grace because I am humble enough to recognize my inability to overcome on my own.
The first thing I noticed is that both the wise man and the foolish man hear the sayings of the Lord. In this context, to hear means to understand and to believe. So, both the wise man and the foolish man understand and believe the words of the Lord. The difference in these two is that the wise man "doeth them."24 Therefore, whoso heareth these sayings of mine and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, who built his house upon a rock—25 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not, for it was founded upon a rock.26 And every one that heareth these sayings of mine and doeth them not shall be likened unto a foolish man, who built his house upon the sand—27 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell, and great was the fall of it. (3 Nephi 14:24-27)
The second thing I noticed is that both men had to endure the same storm. The wise man was not spared from the trial (that would be counter to God's plan for us). He dealt with the same rain, floods, and wind as the foolish man. The difference is that the wise man was prepared to deal with the situation while the foolish man was not.
We are all going to face hard times in life. Sometimes those are of our own making like the choices I made in my youth that led to me becoming addicted to pornography. Sometimes our challenges are the result of the choices of others like my wife having to live with my addiction. Sometimes life is just hard. That is a normal part of our mortal existence.
Our ability to deal with those challenges without being destroyed is based on our preparation. I understand the words of Christ and I believe Him, but my foundation of faith is built in the doing of His words. I build my foundation every day when I get up and study my scriptures even if it would be nice to lay in bed for an extra half hour. I build my foundation every day when I make a plan for my day and then work to achieve the goals I have set.
I do want to be clear about one thing. Doing these actions of themselves does not give me the strength to withstand my challenges. Doing these actions helps me learn how to rely on Jesus Christ to aid me when I need it. Through doing the words of Christ, I come to know Him better and understand His love and care for me. Through doing the words of Christ, I am more prepared to receive of His grace because I am humble enough to recognize my inability to overcome on my own.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
I Am the Captain of My Soul
One of my constant struggles is recognizing who I am. I have spent many years telling myself I was a sinner, I was no good, or that people would be appalled if they saw who I really was.
It turns out that I was the one who did not see who I really was and who I really am. I am a son of God who has been blessed with many talents and abilities that can be used to benefit those around me.
I have also been granted the ability to make choices. I have used this ability in the past to make choices that have harmed myself and others, but I am now making choices that are beginning to heal that harm. I am learning that my choices are mine to make again each moment of my life. I am not defined by the choices I have made in the past, I am defined by the choices I am making right now.
I came across a poem a few weeks ago that speaks to this point. I had heard pieces of it before, but I had never heard the entire poem before.
It turns out that I was the one who did not see who I really was and who I really am. I am a son of God who has been blessed with many talents and abilities that can be used to benefit those around me.
I have also been granted the ability to make choices. I have used this ability in the past to make choices that have harmed myself and others, but I am now making choices that are beginning to heal that harm. I am learning that my choices are mine to make again each moment of my life. I am not defined by the choices I have made in the past, I am defined by the choices I am making right now.
I came across a poem a few weeks ago that speaks to this point. I had heard pieces of it before, but I had never heard the entire poem before.
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
-"Invictus" William Ernest Henley
I am coming out of the blackness of the night. I may be bloodied. I have shed and caused many tears. There have been and may yet be consequences based on what I have done, but I will face them without fear. My head will continue to be unbowed. I am the captain of my soul because I am a son of God.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Let Us Cheerfully Do All Things
Earlier this week, I read this blog post. As I read it, something didn't sit well with me. Not because she is wrong, but because she is right. Why is it that there are so few men leading in the fight against the evils of pornography? I started to think about this and what my role in this fight should be.
Then, yesterday morning, in my scripture study, I read Doctrine and Covenants 123. This section is part of a letter written by Joseph Smith to the saints while he was imprisoned in Liberty Jail. He is giving the saints instructions on what their duty is in relation to those who have been persecuting them.
As I was reading, these verses seemed to me to be as much about pornography as they are about the persecutions the saints suffered in Missouri:
The saints were urged to collect and publish reports of the abuses they suffered. I believe the blogs of those who are addicted and those who are suffering from the addictions of loved ones are a step in this direction. I hope that this blog is also a step in publishing the abuses of pornography to the world. I also hope this blog is a beacon to those who are looking for healing to know that it is available through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
I believe there is more to be done though. I am not sure what that is at this point, but I am making it a matter of prayerful study to learn what I can do to aid in the battle. I also ask you, the readers, to give me suggestions on what you think needs to be done.
I will leave today with the closing verse from section 123:
Then, yesterday morning, in my scripture study, I read Doctrine and Covenants 123. This section is part of a letter written by Joseph Smith to the saints while he was imprisoned in Liberty Jail. He is giving the saints instructions on what their duty is in relation to those who have been persecuting them.
As I was reading, these verses seemed to me to be as much about pornography as they are about the persecutions the saints suffered in Missouri:
While there may not be many who have been actually murdered through the scourge of pornography, there are many who have been torn from their wives and children because they were not able to overcome the urges and enticing of the addiction. Those wives and children are as much widows and fatherless as if the men were actually murdered.8 It is an iron yoke, it is a strong band; they are the very handcuffs, and chains, and shackles, and fetters of hell.9 Therefore it is an imperative duty that we owe, not only to our own wives and children, but to the widows and fatherless, whose husbands and fathers have been murdered under its iron hand;10 Which dark and blackening deeds are enough to make hell itself shudder, and to stand aghast and pale, and the hands of the very devil to tremble and palsy.
The saints were urged to collect and publish reports of the abuses they suffered. I believe the blogs of those who are addicted and those who are suffering from the addictions of loved ones are a step in this direction. I hope that this blog is also a step in publishing the abuses of pornography to the world. I also hope this blog is a beacon to those who are looking for healing to know that it is available through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
I believe there is more to be done though. I am not sure what that is at this point, but I am making it a matter of prayerful study to learn what I can do to aid in the battle. I also ask you, the readers, to give me suggestions on what you think needs to be done.
I will leave today with the closing verse from section 123:
17 Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Thankful for My Addiction?
In a recent group meeting we were talking about the daily struggle with sexual addiction. Our facilitator brought up Captain Moroni and how "his heart did glory in ... resisting temptation" (Alma 48:16). We went on to talk about finding glory in our struggles and tribulations. As we were discussing these things, the following story came back to my mind:
I have been thinking more about this the past several days. I have been looking at how this relates to my journey in recovery from sexual addiction. Was it a mistake for me to indulge in my addiction? YES, it was. Would I choose again to myself and my family through the devastation caused by my actions? NO, I would not.
With that being said, this addiction is something that requires me to humble myself and trust in the Lord. Those are things I am not very good at on my own. In fact, I am really terrible at them. This journey of recovery is the price I am paying to become acquainted with God, and for that, I am thankful.
This story was quoted by Elder James E. Faust in his talk "The Refiner's Fire" from the April 1979 General Conference (by the way, the entire talk is worth reading).“A teacher, conducting a class, said it was unwise ever to attempt, even to permit them [the Martin handcart company] to come across the plains under such conditions.“[According to a class member,] some sharp criticism of the Church and its leaders was being indulged in for permitting any company of converts to venture across the plains with no more supplies or protection than a handcart caravan afforded.“An old man in the corner … sat silent and listened as long as he could stand it, then he arose and said things that no person who heard him will ever forget. His face was white with emotion, yet he spoke calmly, deliberately, but with great earnestness and sincerity.“In substance [he] said, ‘I ask you to stop this criticism. You are discussing a matter you know nothing about. Cold historic facts mean nothing here, for they give no proper interpretation of the questions involved. Mistake to send the Handcart Company out so late in the season? Yes. But I was in that company and my wife was in it and Sister Nellie Unthank whom you have cited was there, too. We suffered beyond anything you can imagine and many died of exposure and starvation, but did you ever hear a survivor of that company utter a word of criticism? Not one of that company ever apostatized or left the Church, because everyone of us came through with the absolute knowledge that God lives for we became acquainted with him in our extremities.“‘I have pulled my handcart when I was so weak and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said, I can go only that far and there I must give up, for I cannot pull the load through it.’” He continues: “‘I have gone on to that sand and when I reached it, the cart began pushing me. I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart, but my eyes saw no one. I knew then that the angels of God were there.“‘Was I sorry that I chose to come by handcart? No. Neither then nor any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay, and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company.’”
I have been thinking more about this the past several days. I have been looking at how this relates to my journey in recovery from sexual addiction. Was it a mistake for me to indulge in my addiction? YES, it was. Would I choose again to myself and my family through the devastation caused by my actions? NO, I would not.
With that being said, this addiction is something that requires me to humble myself and trust in the Lord. Those are things I am not very good at on my own. In fact, I am really terrible at them. This journey of recovery is the price I am paying to become acquainted with God, and for that, I am thankful.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Changing My Heart
I have had a hard time coming up with something to write for the past few weeks. Things have been going steady in my recovery, and I wasn't quite sure what the next step would be for me. For the last couple of weeks, I have had impressions from the Spirit guiding me to what the next step in my recovery should be, but I wasn't quite ready to take that step. Yesterday, I think the Lord realized that I wasn't quite getting it so He had to kind of beat me over the head with it (I am an incredibly stubborn person).
For the past few weeks, I have been feeling that I needed to start letting others into my heart. Due to things that happened as I was growing up, I closed off my heart to others. In fact, I built great barriers to my heart that only 5 people on this earth have been able to penetrate. Those people are my wife and children. I can honestly say that I have not even let my parents or siblings into my heart.
So anyway, I have been getting these impressions from time to time over the past few weeks, but I kept telling myself I was not ready to deal with the issues that caused me to close my heart in the first place. Yesterday, the Lord gently but firmly let me know that it is time.
During my scripture study in the morning, I found a cross-reference to this verse:
Later, while I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting, there was a talk about charity. While I was listening, this talk by Elder C. Max Caldwell that I read several years ago came back to my mind. In the talk, Elder Caldwell talks about what is meant by the "love of Christ." He lists three ways this phrase may be looked at:
For the past few weeks, I have been feeling that I needed to start letting others into my heart. Due to things that happened as I was growing up, I closed off my heart to others. In fact, I built great barriers to my heart that only 5 people on this earth have been able to penetrate. Those people are my wife and children. I can honestly say that I have not even let my parents or siblings into my heart.
So anyway, I have been getting these impressions from time to time over the past few weeks, but I kept telling myself I was not ready to deal with the issues that caused me to close my heart in the first place. Yesterday, the Lord gently but firmly let me know that it is time.
During my scripture study in the morning, I found a cross-reference to this verse:
A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh. (Ezekiel 36:26)It was clear to me that, through the Atonement, Christ is prepared to give me a new heart. He is just waiting for me. This was another nudge telling me that it is time and I need to move forward.
Later, while I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting, there was a talk about charity. While I was listening, this talk by Elder C. Max Caldwell that I read several years ago came back to my mind. In the talk, Elder Caldwell talks about what is meant by the "love of Christ." He lists three ways this phrase may be looked at:
- Love for Christ
- Love from Christ
- Love like Christ
I am beginning to understand that I have felt love for Christ and love from Christ, but I have never felt love like Christ. It is now clear to me that the next step in my recovery is to develop this love for others that is lacking in my life.
I know this is going to be incredibly difficult for me, and I am a little scared (and by a little scared I mean I am completely terrified) of what this process will require from me, but I also know that, with the help of my Savior, I will be able to give up my stony heart and receive the heart of flesh that has been prepared for me.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Walking Away from Temptaion
I have struggled for a long time with how to deal with temptations (or triggers, or whatever you want to call them). All my life I have heard terms like "resist temptation" or "flee from evil". I always took this to mean I needed to fight against my temptations. I would try to ignore the temptation. I would sing a hymn. I would read my scriptures. I would do all of these things to fight against the temptation, but I always lost. Fighting the addiction would always lead to me eventually giving in. This would leave me with feelings of worthlessness because I was not strong enough to overcome.
I would read scriptures like 1 Cor 10:13 and think "maybe this doesn't apply to me, maybe it is just for the normal people". Like most addicts, I thought I was different. I thought I was so vile that I was beyond the reach of the Atonement.
I was completely wrong. I am NOT beyond the reach of the Atonement. I am a son of God. Jesus Christ is MY Savior and Redeemer. He is MY brother, and He went through everything to do with the Atonement for ME. It has taken me a long time to understand that if no one else ever lived on the earth, Christ would still carry out the Atonement just for me.
I was also wrong about how to deal with temptations. It always seemed like my options were to fight the temptation until I gave in to it, or to just give in immediately and get it over with. This isn't true. There is a third option for me. That option is to not do anything with a temptation. It sounds a little crazy when you first think about it, but it has all of the power for me.
Think of it like a boxing ring. A temptation comes and puts me in the ring with a champion heavyweight boxer (my addict). I could just stand there and take my beating (just giving in), or I could try to fight him and still take my beating. The third option is to just get out of the ring and walk away. To not do anything is not to ignore my temptation or addiction, I am still perfectly aware it is there. It is also not to try to actively fight against it. I can just acknowledge its existence and then go on with whatever I was already doing.
The incredible thing is this works for more than just the temptation view pornography or masturbate. It also works with the feelings of guilt and shame that have been coming the longer I get into sobriety and recovery. Recently, I have caught myself feeling frustrated if I even encounter a trigger. I would think "I should be beyond this. Why am I still having thoughts like this." I've come to realize these criticizing thoughts are just another way for my addict to get me back into the ring. I don't want to get back in the ring, so I just need to let these thoughts go as if they were actual thoughts to indulge in my addiction because this is what they really are.
My addiction has no more power over me as long as I continue to walk away from the ring.
I would read scriptures like 1 Cor 10:13 and think "maybe this doesn't apply to me, maybe it is just for the normal people". Like most addicts, I thought I was different. I thought I was so vile that I was beyond the reach of the Atonement.
I was completely wrong. I am NOT beyond the reach of the Atonement. I am a son of God. Jesus Christ is MY Savior and Redeemer. He is MY brother, and He went through everything to do with the Atonement for ME. It has taken me a long time to understand that if no one else ever lived on the earth, Christ would still carry out the Atonement just for me.
I was also wrong about how to deal with temptations. It always seemed like my options were to fight the temptation until I gave in to it, or to just give in immediately and get it over with. This isn't true. There is a third option for me. That option is to not do anything with a temptation. It sounds a little crazy when you first think about it, but it has all of the power for me.
Think of it like a boxing ring. A temptation comes and puts me in the ring with a champion heavyweight boxer (my addict). I could just stand there and take my beating (just giving in), or I could try to fight him and still take my beating. The third option is to just get out of the ring and walk away. To not do anything is not to ignore my temptation or addiction, I am still perfectly aware it is there. It is also not to try to actively fight against it. I can just acknowledge its existence and then go on with whatever I was already doing.
The incredible thing is this works for more than just the temptation view pornography or masturbate. It also works with the feelings of guilt and shame that have been coming the longer I get into sobriety and recovery. Recently, I have caught myself feeling frustrated if I even encounter a trigger. I would think "I should be beyond this. Why am I still having thoughts like this." I've come to realize these criticizing thoughts are just another way for my addict to get me back into the ring. I don't want to get back in the ring, so I just need to let these thoughts go as if they were actual thoughts to indulge in my addiction because this is what they really are.
My addiction has no more power over me as long as I continue to walk away from the ring.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Choosing to Be Haydee
Are you familiar with the Count Of Monte Cristo's female characters? Haydee, Mercedes, and Valentine. Each woman faced unthinkable hardship and heart break. As I reread Monte Cristo recently, I thought about how each woman fared with the challenges she faced and finally understood why Edmond calls me his Haydee.
Mercedes grew up in a poor fisherman's village. She was hours from her marriage when her fiance was arrested on spurious charges and whisked away. She never was told if he was dead or rotting away in some prison. A year later, she married her good friend Fernand, who amassed a fortune while serving in the army. The fortune allowed them to live the high life in Parisian society.
When Mercedes learned the fraud surrounding her husband's fortune, she and her grown son abandoned their Parisian life, home and husband/father to build their own future. Mercedes was without hope and extremely depressed. Resignation and despair clouded all her visions of the future. She accepted the charity of Edmond and lived a solitary and sad life.
We meet Valentine as a teen betrothed to a man she doesn't love (and who doesn't love her in return). She secretly loved a decorated military officer her family had never met. Her only friend and confidant was her paraplegic and mute grandfather. When tragedy struck her family and her unwanted marriage is expedited she choose to trust her grandfather and followed his directions in faith.
As Valentine's world continued to crumble around her, she learned to see what is real, to recognize the true threats to her safety and through her trust in Higher Powers was able to be united with her love. While she mourned for tragedy and hurt that surrounded her family, she found joy in the miracles she experienced.
As a young child, Haydee experienced unimaginable pain. She witnessed the betrayal of her father and the mass slaughter of all her loved ones. She was sold into slavery by one who professed to be her friend and protector.
Haydee was purchased by a wealthy man who planned to use her as leverage against his enemies. He treated her like a queen, but his heart was cold and removed. Haydee quietly observed him, relished his presence and saw all the good he did do. Haydee learned to love this man for who he really was. When all he could see was his faults, the injuries he had caused others, his obsession with vengeance; when all his future was beak with the hatred he had filled his heart with-- even in that moment Haydee saw his goodness. And LOVED HIM. Haydee lived in hope and love she found peace and a happily ever after life.
Our stories are filled with heartache and pain. HOW we choose to live will determine our future. You may be a Valentine or a Haydee or a Mary or a Martha. You may even feel like a Mercedes some days. We can live in sorrow and be resigned to life and pain. We can also live in faith and be joyful.
Today I choose to live like Haydee. With love and trust.
Mercedes grew up in a poor fisherman's village. She was hours from her marriage when her fiance was arrested on spurious charges and whisked away. She never was told if he was dead or rotting away in some prison. A year later, she married her good friend Fernand, who amassed a fortune while serving in the army. The fortune allowed them to live the high life in Parisian society.
When Mercedes learned the fraud surrounding her husband's fortune, she and her grown son abandoned their Parisian life, home and husband/father to build their own future. Mercedes was without hope and extremely depressed. Resignation and despair clouded all her visions of the future. She accepted the charity of Edmond and lived a solitary and sad life.
We meet Valentine as a teen betrothed to a man she doesn't love (and who doesn't love her in return). She secretly loved a decorated military officer her family had never met. Her only friend and confidant was her paraplegic and mute grandfather. When tragedy struck her family and her unwanted marriage is expedited she choose to trust her grandfather and followed his directions in faith.
As Valentine's world continued to crumble around her, she learned to see what is real, to recognize the true threats to her safety and through her trust in Higher Powers was able to be united with her love. While she mourned for tragedy and hurt that surrounded her family, she found joy in the miracles she experienced.
As a young child, Haydee experienced unimaginable pain. She witnessed the betrayal of her father and the mass slaughter of all her loved ones. She was sold into slavery by one who professed to be her friend and protector.
Haydee was purchased by a wealthy man who planned to use her as leverage against his enemies. He treated her like a queen, but his heart was cold and removed. Haydee quietly observed him, relished his presence and saw all the good he did do. Haydee learned to love this man for who he really was. When all he could see was his faults, the injuries he had caused others, his obsession with vengeance; when all his future was beak with the hatred he had filled his heart with-- even in that moment Haydee saw his goodness. And LOVED HIM. Haydee lived in hope and love she found peace and a happily ever after life.
Our stories are filled with heartache and pain. HOW we choose to live will determine our future. You may be a Valentine or a Haydee or a Mary or a Martha. You may even feel like a Mercedes some days. We can live in sorrow and be resigned to life and pain. We can also live in faith and be joyful.
Today I choose to live like Haydee. With love and trust.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Happy Thoughts
I am excited today to steal a moment away from the mayhem of summer break. Kids are quietly watching a movie and the computer is unoccupied. IT'S A MIRACLE!!!
I was reading Romans 5 the other day and I LOVED it.
I have spent much of my life seeking peace. Wanting peace. Not just quiet cooperation among the kids, but the peace that calms the soul. Through Jesus Christ, through our faith in Him, we can commune with our Father and feel His peace and rejoice in the hope of that rest with our Father.
Knowing, understanding, embracing this process-- problems, patience, experience, hope, LOVE-- allows me to relax and let life happen.
Off to play with the little ones.
I was reading Romans 5 the other day and I LOVED it.
Being justified by faith,
we have peace with God
through our Lord Jesus Christ...
and rejoice in hope
of the glory of God.
--Romans 5:1-2
I have spent much of my life seeking peace. Wanting peace. Not just quiet cooperation among the kids, but the peace that calms the soul. Through Jesus Christ, through our faith in Him, we can commune with our Father and feel His peace and rejoice in the hope of that rest with our Father.
We glory in tribulation also;
knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
And patience, experience;
and experience hope;
And hope maketh not ashamed;
because the love of God
is shed abroad in our hearts by
the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.
--Romans 5:3-5
Knowing, understanding, embracing this process-- problems, patience, experience, hope, LOVE-- allows me to relax and let life happen.
Off to play with the little ones.
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