Thursday, July 23, 2015

I'm a Liar Too

Sometimes we accuse our addicts of being liars and manipulative. It is a safe accusation.  They covered up; the told half truths. I hate to say it: Me too.  I have lied, I have hidden, I have withheld.  I did it to protect myself- I never felt safe enough to reveal me.  But I did lie.  I did manipulate.  I did hide the truth.  Edmond asked me candidly, what kind of monster am I that you would be afraid to tell me the truth?

He is no monster, I still fear Edmond.  I am afraid of his disapproval.  I fear the silence as he processes his emotions.  I fear expressing my needs and asking for him to meet a need-  I fear being let down again- confirming in my mind that my needs don't matter.   I fear being unlovable because I just can't be done with this healing stuff.  I fear that Edmond would be crushed-  if he ever knew and felt and saw how deeply I hurt, how insecure and incomplete I feel, and how unlovable I still feel.  I fear that my feelings will drive him away and I will be left alone.  I fear the hurt he could cause me if he ever chose to.

So I have lied.  I have told half truths.  I have concealed what is really going on with me.  I don't want to live that way anymore.

My work recently has been to learn to trust me- trust that my feelings are actually my feelings.  Learn to be honest with myself about what is going on inside me spiritually, physically and emotionally.  And the hardest part is to trust Edmond with me- the real me -- the parts of me that I have hidden from myself, the parts that I wish weren't there, the hurts, the true joy, the peace,the pain.  All of it.  It is not easy for me to be this open, and it certainly isn't easy for Edmond to see this part of me- and to learn how much I have lied and hidden from him.

When I started this journey a couple years ago, my baby step was learning to trust God.  Re-learning that he knew me, he loved me, and was watching over me.  I felt comforted as I read in the scriptures that I was only ever commanded to Trust in the Lord.  I wasn't required to trust myself; my judgement had been lacking enough that I didn't know me.  And I didn't have to trust Edmond either.  But the Lord wants more for me.  He has been coaching me and helping me reach out and trust. I am beginning to see how much I have progressed in learning to trust.  Baby steps.

I used to save all my pain and sorrow for the shower- my safe place.  I could cry as long as I needed while Edmond was at work or asleep.  If I could just hold the pain, or tuck it away until he was gone, then I could allow myself to freely feel.  Tears now stain my face as I talk to Edmond about what I feel.

I used to suck it up until I could hold no more hurt.  Now I practice (and fail) at expressing my emotions as they come up.

I used to have to practice and rehash my emotions with multiple friends, therapists and then my blog before I felt assured that what I felt was rational, reasonable, and within the bounds of acceptable to express.  Only then could I tell Edmond what was going on with me.  I am practicing telling him what I feel, asking him to meet a need, and explaining my situation with out coaching.

But I am making strides at putting myself out there.  Asking instead of hinting.

I have a long way to go.  I sorrow at the pain I cause Edmond as I sheepishly relate that it took me a couple of days to summon the courage to tell him something.  Really that is what is holding me back from trusting Edmond.  My fear of being hurt yet again.  Every time I trust, every time I reach out, every time I talk, I learn that everything will be ok.  I can trust.