Sister To Sister..

Recently I was asked by a friend to share with the sisters in her ward any tips for navagating the healing process when a loved one is addicted to pornography.  Just sharing the letter I wrote, From one sister to another...

Dear Friend,

Last year I learned that my spouse had been dealing with a sex addiction most of the 16 years we have been married.  This last year, as I have traversed the mountains of adversity, I have felt a sweeping range of emotions.  Pain and loneliness.  Hope and joy.  Comfort and sorrow almost in the same breath.  I wanted today to share a few things that have helped me on my journey.

1.  I can only fix me--  Nothing I do or say can fix my spouse/loved one.  He must choose to allow the Savior to heal him.  I had to let go of the illusion that I am the center of the universe and that I have power to solve his problems if only I.... (fill in the blank).  I can only work on me and my issues.

2.  I have just as many issues as my spouse.. just not addiction issues.  My path to healing and forgiveness was just as important as my spouses'.  I needed the healing balm of our Savior's love just as much as he did. I need to rely on the Savior to guide my path just as much as my addict still does.  Don't deny yourself the blessings the Lord has for you because you feel like your pain is less important than getting someone else well.  Your loved one being  free from sin won't be enough-- it won't heal your relationship--  if you haven't done work to make the atonement a real part of your life.

3.  Even if things aren't fine, I can be fine.  In the midst of turmoil and distress, my Savior's love can send peace to my heart.  His love for me, and you, is infinite.  As I tap into His love, I know that everything will work out, even when it seems like everything is falling to pieces.  I can live righteously, raise a family in the gospel, and feel the power of the priesthood in my life through my reliance on the Savior no matter what anyone else chooses to do.

I do not doubt God's love for me.  I can not doubt God's love for my spouse.  I feel His love and His peace as He teaches me what forgiveness looks like and how charity suffereth long.  I feel joy in the knowledge of Christ's perfect love.  His love has cast out all my fear, pain and sorrow.

May Christ's love lift and strengthen you and your loved ones too.

Your sister,

Haydee

To the Wives of Addicts from an Addict

In my study this morning, I read this "O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted!" (3 Nephi 22:11). My first thought when I read this is that it is a perfect description of someone who is dealing with the addiction of a loved one. As I continued to think on this, I began to understand more about how many ways we, as addicts, contribute to your affliction. I thought about how we add to the tempests in your life and how we are not there to comfort you when you need it. With that in mind, I would like to offer my apologies.

First, I am sorry for all of the lies. You willingly gave yourselves to us. You deserve for us to give you ourselves in return. Instead, you got a bunch of lies and half-truths. We lied to you from the beginning. In fact, we lied to you so many times, we began to believe some of those lies, but the reality is that none of them were true. We were lying to ourselves at the same time we were lying to you.

I am also sorry for the damage we have done to your self-worth. We should have been the ones building you up. We should have been your best support. Instead, by our words and actions you made you feel like you weren't good enough, pretty enough, sexy enough, or any number of ways we made you feel like your worth was less than it really is. The truth is you are daughters of God. Your worth is infinite and eternal, and we have no right to make you feel that you are less than you truly are.

I'm sorry for the separation we have caused. You are our wives. You are the ones we should be most involved with, but due to our choices, we have caused an emotional separation between us and you. We have been withdrawn from you when you needed to feel closeness. We have kept a part of ourselves back from you when we covenanted to give our whole selves to you.

I am sorry for not supporting you. You depend on us to help you and lift you, but our addiction has held us back. When you needed us most, we were not there for you either physically, because we were in the midst of acting out in our addiction, or emotionally, because we were dealing with the internal turmoil created by our actions.

I know this is not a complete list of the many ways we have harmed you, but please accept this sincere attempt from one addict to begin the process of repairing the damage we have done. You are truly angels in our lives. We do not deserve your love and goodness, and you do not deserve the torment we have put you through. This may not always be clear to us when we are in the depths of our addiction, but in our moments of clarity, we recognize how wonderful you are and how much we have come to rely on you for our strength.

I would like to leave you with the words of Isaiah that come just a few verses after where I started today. "In righteousness shalt thou be established" (3 Nephi 22:14). You are simply amazing. You will be exalted because of your righteousness, and I hope that we come to our senses and join you on that journey.

I Am the Captain of My Soul

One of my constant struggles is recognizing who I am. I have spent many years telling myself I was a sinner, I was no good, or that people would be appalled if they saw who I really was.

It turns out that I was the one who did not see who I really was and who I really am. I am a son of God who has been blessed with many talents and abilities that can be used to benefit those around me.

I have also been granted the ability to make choices. I have used this ability in the past to make choices that have harmed myself and others, but I am now making choices that are beginning to heal that harm. I am learning that my choices are mine to make again each moment of my life. I am not defined by the choices I have made in the past, I am defined by the choices I am making right now.

I came across a poem a few weeks ago that speaks to this point. I had heard pieces of it before, but I had never heard the entire poem before.

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

-"Invictus" William Ernest Henley

I am coming out of the blackness of the night. I may be bloodied. I have shed and caused many tears. There have been and may yet be consequences based on what I have done, but I will face them without fear. My head will continue to be unbowed. I am the captain of my soul because I am a son of God.

"Such As Is Common To Man" and Women

I have been studying the lives of the women in the bible as part of my scripture study.  I wanted to know who those women were, what they experienced and how they lived lives of faith.  I found a list on a Christian website of ALL 180+ women listed (mentioned) in the Bible- Old and New Testament.  I started with the A's: Abigail, Anna and 25 more women I had never heard of.  Some women were mentioned only in passing, yet their stories pierced my heart.

I adored the account of Abishag and her tender watchcare of the elderly King David (1Kings 1-2).  The scriptures say she "cherished" the king while Bathsheba came to see David to secure the kingdom for her son Solomon.

Abiah's life gives balm to every widow's heart (1 Chronicles 2:24).  Abiah gave birth to Hezron's son after his death.  Yet she carried on.

My heart mourned with Abihail, niece of king David,  one of Rehoboam's  18 wives and 60 concubines (2Chronicles 11:18-19).  Yet I found peace knowing that sexual addiction has haunted the human family for centuries.

As I have read and pondered the lives of these women in the Bible (I'm just in the B's), I have redescovered the great importance of Paul's words in his letter to the Corinthians, (my changes in italics)

There hath no trial or problem taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tried above that ye are able; but will with the problem also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. (1Corrinthians 10:13)

God truly is faithful and will provide tender watchcare over his daughters as they grow and live and love.

Let Us Cheerfully Do All Things

Earlier this week, I read this blog post. As I read it, something didn't sit well with me. Not because she is wrong, but because she is right. Why is it that there are so few men leading in the fight against the evils of pornography? I started to think about this and what my role in this fight should be.

Then, yesterday morning, in my scripture study, I read Doctrine and Covenants 123. This section is part of a letter written by Joseph Smith to the saints while he was imprisoned in Liberty Jail. He is giving the saints instructions on what their duty is in relation to those who have been persecuting them.

As I was reading, these verses seemed to me to be as much about pornography as they are about the persecutions the saints suffered in Missouri:

8 It is an iron yoke, it is a strong band; they are the very handcuffs, and chains, and shackles, and fetters of hell.

 9 Therefore it is an imperative duty that we owe, not only to our own wives and children, but to the widows and fatherless, whose husbands and fathers have been murdered under its iron hand;

 10 Which dark and blackening deeds are enough to make hell itself shudder, and to stand aghast and pale, and the hands of the very devil to tremble and palsy.

While there may not be many who have been actually murdered through the scourge of pornography, there are many who have been torn from their wives and children because they were not able to overcome the urges and enticing of the addiction. Those wives and children are as much widows and fatherless as if the men were actually murdered.

The saints were urged to collect and publish reports of the abuses they suffered. I believe the blogs of those who are addicted and those who are suffering from the addictions of loved ones are a step in this direction. I hope that this blog is also a step in publishing the abuses of pornography to the world. I also hope this blog is a beacon to those who are looking for healing to know that it is available through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

I believe there is more to be done though. I am not sure what that is at this point, but I am making it a matter of prayerful study to learn what I can do to aid in the battle. I also ask you, the readers, to give me suggestions on what you think needs to be done.

I will leave today with the closing verse from section 123:

17 Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

Blooming in Rocky Places

Water trickling down the mountain

I was excited this year to hike with our Young Women.  I love nature.  I love the girls.  I love sitting quietly watching God's creations.  I admire the flora and fauna that grace the mountain praries and ridges.  I marvel at their ability to thrive in inhospitable circumstances.  Here are some of my favorite pictures of the trip-- they remind me that I can bloom, grow, and shine even in Rocky Places.

This tree grows off the face of the mountain.   It's sprawling roots cover the trail and are abused by hikers.  I love the bend of the tree as it reaches its way to the sun.

I love these little flowers that blooms in the rocks near a water fall.  Their only water comes from occasional off- spray from the falls.

This little white flower grows along the trail.

Choosing to Be Haydee

Are you familiar with the Count Of Monte Cristo's female characters? Haydee, Mercedes, and Valentine.  Each woman faced unthinkable hardship and heart break.  As I reread Monte Cristo recently, I thought about how each woman fared with the challenges she faced and finally understood why Edmond calls me his Haydee.

Mercedes grew up in a poor fisherman's village.  She was hours from her marriage when her fiance was arrested on spurious charges and whisked away.  She never was told if he was dead or rotting away in some prison.  A year later, she married her good friend Fernand, who amassed a fortune while serving in the army.  The fortune allowed them to live the high life in Parisian society.

When Mercedes learned the fraud surrounding her husband's fortune, she and her grown son abandoned their Parisian life, home and husband/father to build their own future.  Mercedes was without hope and extremely depressed.  Resignation and despair clouded all her visions of the future.  She accepted the charity of Edmond and lived a solitary and sad life.

We meet Valentine as a teen betrothed to a man she doesn't love (and who doesn't love her in return).  She secretly loved a decorated military officer her family had never met.  Her only friend and confidant was her paraplegic and mute grandfather.  When tragedy struck her family and her unwanted marriage is expedited she choose to trust her grandfather and followed his directions in faith.

As Valentine's world continued to crumble around her, she learned to see what is real, to recognize the true threats to her safety and through her trust in Higher Powers was able to be united with her love.  While she mourned for tragedy and hurt that surrounded her family, she found joy in the miracles she experienced.

As a young child, Haydee experienced unimaginable pain.  She witnessed the betrayal of her father and the mass slaughter of all her loved ones.  She was sold into slavery by one who professed to be her friend and protector.

Haydee was purchased by a wealthy man who planned to use her as leverage against his enemies.  He treated her like a queen, but his heart was cold and removed. Haydee quietly observed him, relished his presence and saw all the good he did do.  Haydee learned to love this man for who he really was.  When all he could see was his faults, the injuries he had caused others, his obsession with vengeance;  when all his future was beak with the hatred he had filled his heart with-- even in that moment Haydee saw his goodness.  And LOVED HIM.  Haydee lived in hope and love she found peace and a happily ever after life.


Our stories are filled with heartache and pain.  HOW we choose to live will determine our future.   You may be a Valentine or a Haydee or a Mary or a Martha.  You  may even feel like a Mercedes some days.  We can live in sorrow and be resigned to life and pain.  We can also live in faith and be joyful.

Today I choose to live like Haydee.  With love and trust.

Happy Thoughts

I am excited today to steal a moment away from the mayhem of summer break.  Kids are quietly watching a movie and the computer is unoccupied.  IT'S A MIRACLE!!!

I was reading Romans 5 the other day and I LOVED it.

Being justified by faith, 

we have peace with God 

through our Lord Jesus Christ... 

and rejoice in hope 

of the glory of God.  

--Romans 5:1-2

I have spent much of my life seeking peace.  Wanting peace.  Not just quiet cooperation among the kids, but the peace that calms the soul.  Through Jesus Christ, through our faith in Him, we can commune with our Father and feel His peace and rejoice in the hope of that rest with our Father.

We glory in tribulation also;

knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

And patience, experience;

and experience hope;

And hope maketh not ashamed; 

because the love of God 

is shed abroad in our hearts by 

the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

--Romans 5:3-5

Knowing, understanding, embracing this process-- problems, patience, experience, hope, LOVE-- allows me to relax and let life happen.

Off to play with the little ones.

Musings on Answered Prayers

Remember the day I sat in the corner of the celestial room sobbing?  I do; maybe you've been there too.  I remember pleading for the blessings of the priesthood to be restored to my entire family.  I prayed and hoped for the day Edmond and I would sit there together again.  The future looked bleak.  I saw no silver lining in the storm that raged in my heart.  Yet the Lord sent me His peace.

May 29, Edmond accompanied me to the temple.  As I sat holding his hand, I marveled at the blessings the last three months have brought in our lives.  The power of the atonement of Jesus Christ, His love and His grace have enabled Edmond and me to to heal; to enact change in ourselves individually and as a couple; to hope in the future; to remember the pains of the past no more.

It has been a joy to see Edmond grow in his testimony of the Savior's healing power; to watch him strive to be his best; to enjoy Edmond just being present with our family playing and engaging with our children.

The promise of hope, of "sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored" has been ours through the miraculous gift of our Savior and Redeemer.  I never anticipated that the Lord would answer my prayers so completely.  I thank the Lord for His gracious goodness.

Trusting in the True Source

A few months ago, I wrote my future picture statement (a positive statement of who I am and who I want to be).  I felt inspired to include,  "Because I know who I am, I trust."  I want to trust the people around me, Edmond especially, but I have struggled with feeling down, because I do not always trust-- others or myself for that matter.  I feel disappointment that I don't measure up to my own expectations or hopes.

As I have been working through this, I realized that the only person I am commanded to trust is the Lord.  In fact, Nephi admonishes, "Cursed is he that putteth his trust in man, or maketh flesh his arm, or shall hearken unto the precepts of men, save their precepts shall be given by the power of the Holy Ghost" (2 Nephi 28:31).

Contrast that with, "And whoso trusteth in the Lord, happy is he" (Proverbs 16:20).

When I trust in the natural man, I am frustrated, bitter, angry, hurt and disappointed-- all the muck Satan wants me to wallow in.  When I rely on the Lord, I feel peace, hope, joy, compassion, and love-- the character traits of the Savior himself.

As I trust the Savior, I find Him near me, leading and guiding me to "green pastures" and "still waters."  Though I still must toil through my challenges, "I fear no evil for [He is] with me"  As I continue to trust the Lord, "goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever" (Psalm 23).

When I feel overwhelmed and afraid, I can trust that, "the lord hath not given me the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7).

When I feel discouraged I can "lift up [my] head and rejoice and trust in... that God who was the God of Abraham" and know that He will deliver me as he did the people of Israel (Mosiah 7:19).

When I feel sad I can remember that the Lord "in all cases" extends His "arm of mercy towards them that put their trust in him" (Mosiah 29:20).

Because I am His Daughter, I Trust the Lord!

So Many Things

It has been a whirlwind couple of weeks for me. First off, on Sunday, May 26th, I met with my bishop. He determined that it was time for me to get my temple recommend back. He gave me the interview, and it felt so wonderful to be able to answer those questions. Yes, I do have a testimony of God the Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost. Yes, I do have a testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the role it plays in my life. Yes, I do keep the covenants I have made. I may not have kept all of them in the past, but I do now and that it what matters. The following Tuesday, I got to answer all of those questions again with a member of the Stake Presidency.

Wednesday the 29th was a beautiful day. I was able to spend several hours in the temple with my amazing wife. We were able to do an endowment session and a sealing session. As I knelt across the altar from my wife I was reminded of the day we were sealed. I remembered why I fell in love with her in the first place, and I could also see the person she has become since then. She has been there to support and encourage me even when I was at my lowest, and she is still there encouraging me as I work to become the person I was meant to be. I am truly blessed to have her in my life. She is one of my angels.

The following day, we left to make the 15 hour drive to visit my wife's family. It was a family reunion with all of the siblings coming home to visit at the same time. 25 people in a small house with two toilets and one shower. Talk about a situation that makes me want to escape. These are the types of situations where I tend to withdraw and eventually sink into addictive behaviors, but this time was different. Using what I have learned in recovery, I was able to get myself grounded each day and make a plan to help me deal with any situations or temptations that may arise.

Using these tools, I was not only able to survive the week, but I was able to thrive in a manner that I was never capable of before. In the past, I would need to have a place to escape the chaos be alone for a while. This time, I was able to engage in conversations and be mentally present with the family. Only once did I feel so overwhelmed that I needed to leave, and I just went for a walk and then went back into the commotion. I never had to escape into a book or into a fantasy.

Yesterday, we made the drive home. For the first time I don't feel mentally or emotionally exhausted after a trip like that. I am certainly tired physically from not getting enough sleep and not eating enough healthy foods, but I don't feel like I need to take an extra day off of work in order to recover from the trip.

I am extremely grateful to the Lord for helping me to get to the point where I am right now. I can see the progress I have made in just a few short months, and I like who I am and who I am becoming. For the first time in a long time I can actually say that I like myself. It is only through the Atonement of Christ that I am here, and I hope to continue to learn more about that Atonement and become even more of the person I am meant to be.

Tripping Over My Own Two Feet

I am an exercise junkie.  I relish the time each day I get to run, swim, bike, dance or strength train.  I'm not necessarily good at any of these activities, but I have learned a lot about myself while "working out."

While training for my first (and only) marathon, running finally clicked.  I had been running off and on for10 years and it had always been HARD WORK.  With each race I trained for, I would buckle down and determine how I was going to run, and at what pace and I would focus on achieving the desired result.  Mental toughness and determination were my watchwords with each training run.

Training for the marathon was a completely different experience.  I had never run long distances before.  Time became irrelevant in my training.  My only goal was to get back home at the end of each run-- hopefully in one piece.  About 5 miles into each run, my mind would let go of determination and toughness. Low and behold, my body kept running, even when I wasn't telling it what to do.   I could just let my body do its work without thought and without interruption and direction.  My body knew how to run.  I just had to get out of the way and let it do its job without my own mental interference.

Our bodies are amazing that way.  They know instinctivly what to do and how to react.  If I just let my body go, I stop tripping over my own feet.  Hard workouts aren't so hard when I relax and let my body do what it does best-- work.

photo credit: Meyer Felix via photopin cc

I think our spirits are a lot like a well trained body.  In the pre-existance we were trained spiritually for the rigors of mortal life.  We were prepared to face and race our mortal marathon.  My loving Heavenly Father provided me all the training and resources I would need pre-race.  Each day of my life He continues to provide rest stops and nutrition and hydration stations I need to cross the finish line with glory-- (even though a turtle could match my pace).

On my healing journey, I find peace most often when I let go of the mental battles and just let my spirit do the work it knows how to do.  My spirit knows how to forgive.  My spirit knows how to love.  My spirit knows how to encourage and lift others.  My spirit knows how to stand strong and immovable in Holy Places.

Today I am letting my mind rest and letting my spirit do the work for me.

Finding the Real Me

Most of my life has been ruled by my addiction. I led a double life. I hid behind lies. I kept myself emotionally distant from those who tried to get to know me. I defined myself by my addiction. Whenever someone would say something nice about me, I would always think to myself "well, you don't know the real me, you wouldn't be saying this if you did."

I am starting to realize that I was the one who was wrong all those years. Others could see things in me that I could not see in myself. I was the one who was not seeing the real me.

As part of my recovery, my therapist encouraged me to write what he calls a "Future Picture Statement." This is a statement of qualities or attributes that I would like to have. It is a picture of what I want to be. I finally took the time this week to sit down and write this statement.

Now, as I read through it again and again, I realize this is not a statement of what I want to be. It is a statement of who I really am. This is the real me that I am learning to see.

I am a son of God. I am a powerful witness of the divinity of Jesus Christ and the infinite nature of His Atonement. I faithfully serve my brothers and sisters through service in the Lord's Church and individually as I give them my full attention. I care for my body as the divine temple of my eternal spirit. I am completely faithful to the covenants I have made with God and with my wife. I have been redeemed through the Atonement of Christ and I can do all things through Him.

I have not found all of this real me yet, but I am working on it. Pieces of him are coming out slowly, and I know that with the Lord's help, I will find all of him some day. What a glorious day that will be.

Feeling God's Love

Usually I love General Conference.  I plan my activities and groceries around a weekend on the couch soaking in the good word.  This year General Conference happened to fall a couple weeks after Edmond's confession and boy did I need spiritual nourishment.

Saturday afternoon I settled down ready to listen and learn (I was listening in to the radio while at a daughter's competition-- Edmond was home with the kids).   Elder Bednar spoke about the law of chastity and why honoring that commandment is crucial to finding happiness in our mortal journey.  His words pierced my heart; I felt the pain of wounds that were still a little raw;  my heart yearned to hold Edmond's hand and tell him I loved him-- that I knew this listening to this was painful for him too.  I had prepared my heart to listen and find joy in the Lord's word, and instead I was reminded of our biggest challenge.

Jump forward a couple months.

Today my little one asked me to read scriptures with her.  She directed me to Jacob 3--Jacob's message on morality delivered outside the temple.  Her innocent request led me to Jacob's consoling  words to the righteous in attendance.  In his address, Jacob laments the need to weigh down the minds of the pure in heart with the sins of others, when the innocent had come only to hear the pleasing word of God. (Been there felt that.)  At the end of his discourse, Jacob speaks to the pure in heart, the innocent victims of others actions.

Jacob invites the pure in heart to pray with "exceeding faith" and a "firm mind," with a promise promise that "he [the Lord] will console you in your afflictions and he plead your cause and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction. (Jacob 3:1)"

In the next verse Jacob pleads with the innocent to:

"lift up your heads and receive the pleasing word of God, and
feast upon his love;
for ye may, if your minds are firm, forever." (Jacob 3:2)

What a beautiful promise-- the promise of being enveloped in God's love forever as we receive His word and keep our minds firm.

Twice in two verses, Jacob reminds us to have a firm mind.  For me that means a mind not easily blown about by the whimsy of attention.   One of my favorite passages of scripture reminds me of the power I have to direct my mind to positive feelings.

"Peace I leave with you;  My peace I give unto you.

Not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  

Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

John 14:27

I have the power to focus my mind on God's love.  I have the ability to feast upon God's love for me forever.  I have the strength to let not my heart be troubled.

Slow Progress is Still Progress

Do you ever have those days where you don't think you are doing as well as you should be? Maybe you feel like your progress has slowed or even stopped? Of course you do, we all do. When I am feeling like things aren't going the way I would like them to, I find comfort in the words of King Benjamin:

And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order. (Mosiah 4:27)

When it feels like our progress is slow, we need to remember that "it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength." Our progress may be slow at times, but it is still progress. Even if it feels like we are not making any progress, we can look back at where we have come from and see the differences in our lives and realize that we are making progress.

King Benjamin gives us the key for continuing on. We must be diligent. We must continue to do the daily things that got us to the point where we are. We cannot give up. When we begin to feel like our daily actions aren't making a difference, we need to keep going. Diligence is "constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken; persistent exertion of body or mind." If we stop doing the things that got us to this point, we will begin to lose the things we have.

Diligence is the key to winning the prize, and what a prize it is. All that our Father has shall be ours. What more could a child ask?

Every day is a new struggle, but every day we have the ability to call on our Savior and learn from Him how we can overcome our challenges. I recently read a CES Devotional Address by Elder D. Todd Christofferson titled "Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread." In this talk, Elder Christofferson recounted a financial struggle he faced earlier in his life. He talks about how this struggle persisted over a period of several years. In looking back, he realized that he would not give up his challenges if he had the chance because of the lessons he learned from them.

Even though Elder Christofferson was speaking about a financial difficulty, his words are also applicable to us as addicts or loved ones of addicts.

Though I suffered then, as I look back now, I am grateful that there was not a quick solution to my problem. The fact that I was forced to turn to God for help almost daily over an extended period of years taught me truly how to pray and get answers to prayer and taught me in a very practical way to have faith in God. I came to know my Savior and my Heavenly Father in a way and to a degree that might not have happened otherwise or that might have taken me much longer to achieve. I learned that daily bread is a precious commodity. I learned that manna today can be as real as the physical manna of biblical history. I learned to trust in the Lord with all my heart. I learned to walk with Him day by day.

Always remember to walk with the Lord each day. Slowly, He will show us the way to true healing. Even slow progress is still progress.

 

Healing From Hurt

Nobody is immune to life and the injuries, wounds and hurts that make up this mortal journey least of all me. 

A few years back, I felt extremely weighed down by unfulfilled expectations, broken dreams, and perceived neglect in my marriage.   Edmond was extremely busy with work, school, and church callings and I felt obligated to make up the difference by sacrificing everything I wanted for the sake of our family.  I was proud of my sacrifice and the emotional wounds I bore; they made me feel like a real person who had done battle with life and conquered through sheer will.  I let the hurt canker and become infected. I wouldn't let my wounds heal.  If I healed, Edmond would never understand what I did for him-- or what he did to me.

Years after the injury, I still felt anger about the situation.  I was able to put the hurt away most days and just be happy, but when emotionally pushed the whole ugly mess erupted all over.  Our marriage was suffering because I wouldn't deal with, forgive and just get over the hurt from years past.

 I finally got to the point where I wanted to get rid of the junk.  I was tired of the wounds hurting and tired of being angry.  One quiet afternoon I opened my box of pain.  The following is what I wrote about that experience:

"I opened up the box and embraced the pain.  I let it wash over me.  Sometimes it the pain was so intense it took my breath away.  I wrote all the hurt down in my journal.  I cried in between sentences.  It wasn't pretty.

"I prayed to my God and told him about my pain.  How much I hurt and how I didn't want to carry it anymore.  I felt a gentle peace asking me what He could do to fix it.  I thought about it, and all I needed was a genuine apology and expression of love-- something I felt like I couldn't get from the perpetrators of hurt.  You might feel like you need something different to make it right.  Don't be afraid to ask for what you need to heal and ask the someone who can really give you exactly what you need.  It might be your God, your best friend, your mentor.  Allow that person to act for the person who hurt  you.  Accept and embrace the love you desperately need.  Write down the love you feel in that journal!

"I let all the pain go.  Actually, it just disappeared when I accepted the love of my God and His apology in behalf of another.  Pardon the analogy, but it really was as easy as flushing the toilet.  It was gone.  It hasn't bothered me since.

"The best part of that purge was being able to truly love again.  Love myself, love my family, love my husband, LOVE MYSELF!  Second best part was that all the other boxes [of hurt] that seemed insurmountable, are not so big now.  I opened [another] box and expected a big mess.  But, I found that the first apology for something completely different had covered the hurt in that box too.  It feels almost like Christmas here with all the box opening-- with the added benefit that I don't have to write creative thank you notes for each gift I don't like:)

"In my faith we call the ability of our God to take our hurts and heal our wounds the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  I am grateful for His love and the gift of healing that has come to my heart.  I hope you find the same peace and love I did."

Truly the best part of lettting the Savior hold onto the pain again is the renewed ability to love-- to feel it, to share it, to embrace it.

Enduring My Cross

I was studying in the Book of Mormon recently and came across this verse:

But, behold, the righteous, the saints of the Holy One of Israel, they who have believed in the Holy One of Israel, they who have endured the crosses of the world, and despised the shame of it, they shall inherit the kingdom of God, which was prepared for them from the foundation of the world, and their joy shall be full forever. (2 Nephi 9:18)

This verse struck me in a new light when I read it this time. I had always thought of the crosses of the world as the scoffing and ridicule that are endured by the humble followers of Christ. This time, I realized that there is so much more to the crosses of the world. The crosses of the world are the burdens that we must face as a necessary piece of our mortal existence. We all have our burdens to carry. One of my crosses happens to be sexual addiction, but that is by no means the only cross I must endure.

The next phrase is of particular interest to those of us who happen to be enduring a cross of addiction. It is not enough just to bear the cross; we must also despise the shame of it. We are all aware that shame is a huge component of addiction. It is the shame that drives us to secrecy and seclusion. It is the shame that leads to the lies and concealment. It is the shame that keeps us trying to fight on our own. It is the shame that keeps us from reaching out to those who may be able to help. It is the shame that leads us from a slip to a full-blown relapse.

So what does it mean to despise the shame of our cross? The word despise means to regard with contempt,  distaste, disgust, or disdain; scorn; loathe. When we despise the shame of our cross, we turn our backs on the shame. We become open and honest with ourselves and others about the true nature of our cross. This does not mean we necessarily have to tell everyone about our addictions, but we do need to be honest with those who have a right to know (spouse, bishop, etc.).

How do we get to the point of despising our shame? Honestly, I don't know. I'm sure it is different for each person. I do know that learning to despise the shame is an important part of my recovery.

The final piece of this verse is the blessings reserved for those who do learn this lesson, "...they shall inherit the kingdom of God, which was prepared for them from the foundation of the world..." This is a concept that I am still having difficulty grasping. The kingdom of God was prepared for me. The kingdom is not being prepared for me, that's already done. I'm just trying to prove myself worthy to inherit it.

The next blessing is also important for me, "...their joy shall be full forever." I have already tasted of the joy that came when I first started to despise the shame of my cross. The load that was lifted as I made a full confession to my wife and then to my bishop brought even more joy. I want to continue to feel of that joy. I can only imagine what a fullness of joy might be, and to experience that forever is beyond my comprehension at this time.

Until the time when I am able to fully understand the joy that is available to me, I will continue to endure my cross. I will continue to learn to despise the shame of it. I will continue to experience the joy that is available to me now, and I will continue to express my gratitude to my Father and my Savior for allowing me to make this journey.

Living With An Adict's Lies

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

I never dreamed I would live with addicts--that wasn't my "happily ever after"; but in an odd way it has become my happily-ever-today.  I want to share the good and the ugly as I have watched my "addicts."

The Good

The best parts of living with an addict are the moments of candor and honesty.  The times when you can look into each other's soul and really connect and understand the pain the other is facing, the joy they experience and the hope they finally feel.  Watching another grow into the person they really, truly want to be is beautiful.

The Bad

Knowing you have been lied to.  Part of the web of addiction I have had to come to grips with is the network of lies told to protect and hide the truth.  As Edmond explained, the limbic system of the brain avoids pain and seeks pleasure.  Confrontation is pain; lies cover the pain; hide from enough pain and eventually you won't know what is a lie anymore.

Edmond was an exceptionally brilliant liar.  Like Snape of Harry Potter fame, Edmond could hide the truth deep down in his soul.  His cloak of goodness slipped occasionally and I would wonder what was wrong-- what was going on.  I knew that I wanted counseling, but had no idea why and what was really distancing us in our relationship.

Those years of struggle, wonder, and confusion pushed me to question who I was and what I wanted.  I was blessed to have dear friends challenge me to become a better person; not to ignore the issues, but to learn to love and forgive even when I didn't understand.  To open the boxes of pain, share the hurt with my Savior and ask him to take it for me, because I couldn't be the person I wanted when I was storing all my pain and hurt and never forgiving those around me.

Even in the bad, with the love of the Savior in my life, good things happened.  I grew and I loved.  Edmond's desire to change has been the icing on a cake baked in the crucible of hard work and love. (And really, while icing really compliments the cake, a good cake is nothing to turn up your nose about. My growth made the bad not so... well bad.)

The UGLY

Edmond is not the only addict I have lived with.  We hosted Fernand in our home for several months.  For the sake of differentiating the Bad from the UUUUGLY, let me compare Edmond and Fernand.

Edmond is at heart a really good guy!  His moral center is dead on.  He has known his whole life that the addiction that haunts him is a problem and not the way he wants to live. Edmond tried to fight the fight.  Edmond's lies were to hide his pain and suffering.  From what I understand, he lied as little as possible-- he really wanted to do the right thing.  (Note the desire was in the right place, even if the actions were not always following with that desire.)

Fernand was a different story.  Fernand lied to gain advantage and to get what he wanted.  Our communications were filled with stretches of truth, back peddling from statements, promises, blatant disregard for the promises made and lame excuses to justify himself.

I hate to make a distinction with lies-- some being better than others when they all stink-- but really there is a stark difference in the energy, peace, and joy in a home when this malicious kind of lie takes over.

Now, I don't consider myself a love light-wieght.  I can and have loved tough people.  I know that about myself.  Loving Fernand was INCREDIBLY challenging, draining and disheartening. I knew I couldn't control, cajole or force his behavior; all I could do was pray, hope, and watch him make poor choices.

Watching and waiting is painful.  I think WATCHING was the best gift Mary could give her son as He hung on the cross.  To watch with Him, stay beside Him and continue to love as He suffered and died.  Maybe that is the gift we can give to our Fernands.  To watch and love even when it is painful.


Ladies, we can LOVE, really LOVE as we focus on the Love our Savior has for us.  We will fail (been there, done that, doing it again tomorrow).  We will watch others fail.

But Love we can, through the Good, the Bad and the UGLY.

My Two Brains

One of the most powerful things I have learned through my counselor is the psychological underpinnings of addiction. I learned why I always felt like there were two 'me's'. The me who wanted more than anything to get away from and defeat my addiction, and the me who was powerless to control myself when faced with temptations. The answer was in my two brains.

No, I don't really have two brains. What I do have is two parts to my brain, the limbic system, and the prefrontal cortex. The limbic system is the part of the brain that is responsible for survival. It is concerned with making sure we get the things we need to survive (food, water, air, shelter, etc.). The limbic systems main goals are to avoid pain and seek pleasure. The prefrontal cortex on the other hand is the rational part of the brain. This is the area of the brain where morals and values are processed. This is the part of the brain that processes right and wrong.

These two parts of the brain can be compared to the natural man and the spirit. King Benjamin teaches us:

 "For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." (Mosiah 3:19)

This is what has become powerful to me in my recovery. The goal is not to fight the natural main. The goal is to "yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit". Many of my challenges and failings have been that I was trying to fight the natural man, I was trying to fight my limbic system. The limbic system perceives this as a threat and tries to replace the pain of fighting with something pleasurable. For me that pleasurable thing was pornography and masturbation.

In trying to fight against my addiction, I was actually reinforcing it. I cannot fight my addiction. It is stronger and more skilled at fighting. Instead of fighting, I need to "yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit." I need to become a saint through the atonement of Jesus Christ.

For me, this means I no longer fight when I am faced with temptations, triggers, challenges, or whatever term you want to use for them. Instead, I acknowledge them and choose to walk away. This is the beauty of my two brains. While the limbic system is very good at trying to get me to seek pleasure and avoid pain, it requires the permission of the prefrontal cortex to actually make any part of my body physically move. The natural man requires the permission of the spirit to be able to act. My challenge then is to strengthen my spirit so it has the power to say "I understand you want to do that, but I choose to yield to the Holy Spirit."

I choose to not fight, but instead to walk away from my addiction and into the arms of My Savior Jesus Christ.

To my beautiful wife on Mother’s Day

I have had a hard time thinking of what to give you for Mother’s Day. I know I am not looking for a gift for a woman who has everything, but I have been looking for a gift for a woman who IS everything. You are kind, smart, beautiful, patient, funny, and full of love for all who know you. I am constantly amazed at your ability to be a friend to anyone you meet. Your willingness to forgive me of all I have done to hurt you astounds me on a daily basis.

As I have been thinking about what to give you for Mother’s Day this year, the only thing that made any sense to me was to give you my heart. I cannot promise to never hurt you again (I am too weak for that), but I can promise that I will continue to try to improve.

You know that I am not a man of many words, I prefer to be the one on the sidelines observing, but I do want you to know that I love you more than anything else in this world. I love you for being a wonderful wife and mother. I love you for being a friend to all you meet. I love you for your willingness to quickly serve those in need without being asked. I love you for your ability to be kind and thoughtful of others even when you are not feeling well yourself. I love you for loving me even after everything I have put you through. I love you for your ability to see more in me than I see in myself. I love you for the woman you are and for the woman you are still becoming.

You inspire me each day. You represent all that I wish I could be. I hope that someday I will be able to do as much for you as you have done for me.