Wise Words

I have been reading C.S. Lewis' book, Mere Christianity recently and came across a beautiful passage I wanted to share.  I felt inspired by Lewis' words penned more than 60 years ago.  Hoping this brings you or a loved one peace today.

We may, indeed, be sure that perfect chastity- like perfect charity- will not be attained by merely human efforts.  You must ask for God's help.  Even when you have done so, it may seem to you for a long time that no help, or less help than you need is being given.  Never mind,  After each failure, ask forgiveness, pick yourself up, and try again.  Every often what God first helps us towards is not the virtue itself but just this power of always trying again.  For however important chastity (or courage, or truthfulness or any other virtue) may be, this process trains us in habits of the soul, which are more important still.  It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God.  We learn, on the one hand, that we cannot trust ourselves even in our best moments, and on the other, that we need not despair even in our worst, for our failures are forgiven.  The only fatal thing is to sit down content with anything less than perfection.

Mere Christianity, Chapter 5

Advice for a Teenager Struggling with Addiction

I had a meeting with my Bishop last night. During the interview, he asked me what advice I would give to a teenager who is struggling with pornography and sexual addiction. I was not prepared to answer that question. As I though about it, the first thing that came to mind was that the teenager needs to talk to someone about what is going on. After all, we all know this addiction thrives on secrecy and lies.

As a follow up question, the Bishop asked if I would advise them to talk to their parents. I really struggled with this question. Looking back at my teenage years, there is no way I would have told my parents. Knowing myself, any negative reaction at all from my parents would have driven me further into the addiction. I would have felt I could never tell anyone again about what was going on. On the other hand, a loving response from my parents may have helped me to find recovery earlier in my life and may have kept the addiction from sinking so deep.

As an adult, I would definitely say the dealing with any possible anger or negative reaction from my parents would be better than the years of silent suffering on my own. I'm not sure I would have understood that as a teenager though.

The more I think about it, the more I think my answer would be to seek the guidance of the spirit. While all of our stories are very similar, each individual circumstance is unique. I don't think there is a single answer that fits every situation.

The one thing that is common is that we all have a Father in Heaven and a Savior who love us. They want us to be happy and to return to them. They will always respond to us with love and kindness and encouragement as long as we are striving to put our lives in accordance with their will for us.

I'm sure others have thought about this question, so I'm going to put it out here for others to answer also. What advice would you want to give to a teenager who is struggling with pornography and sexual addiction?

My Power Trip

I read an article recently about the devastating effects of porn on the rising generation's view of sexuality and intimacy.  I was appalled at how the teens surveyed responded and how they viewed such a special moment.  I thought long and hard about the consequences our daughters will face in a time when most men have been exposed to degrading material.  How will they cope?  How will they protect the sacredness of sexuality?  How can we protect them, teach them and help them set a standard without scarring them for life?

Then the reality of my situation hit me square in the face.  I have been a victim of and a proponent of porn's propaganda:  women are objects to be lusted after, desired and conquered.

I have played the part, and even embraced the power that being objectified brought into my relationship with Edmond.  He wanted me.  I had power.  I played into his lusting because his lust feed my ego.  It was how I felt valued, wanted and special.  I knew I was loved, because Edmond loved lusted after my body.  I knew how to dress, act, behave, you name it, to get the reaction/action I wanted.  It worked; I worked it.

How unhealthy was that?  But I still find myself there.  Wanting to be wanted.  In a moment that should be just about love, I find myself wanting to be the piece of meat that gets the attention.  Craving that power that comes with controlling another person and being the object of their lust.  Edmond's addiction played into my weakness-- power + control = fun.

 How do I reclaim the joy of intimacy, when I miss the attention lust gave me?  It is time for my own addiction recovery process.

Step one....

Living With An Adict's Lies

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

I never dreamed I would live with addicts--that wasn't my "happily ever after"; but in an odd way it has become my happily-ever-today.  I want to share the good and the ugly as I have watched my "addicts."

The Good

The best parts of living with an addict are the moments of candor and honesty.  The times when you can look into each other's soul and really connect and understand the pain the other is facing, the joy they experience and the hope they finally feel.  Watching another grow into the person they really, truly want to be is beautiful.

The Bad

Knowing you have been lied to.  Part of the web of addiction I have had to come to grips with is the network of lies told to protect and hide the truth.  As Edmond explained, the limbic system of the brain avoids pain and seeks pleasure.  Confrontation is pain; lies cover the pain; hide from enough pain and eventually you won't know what is a lie anymore.

Edmond was an exceptionally brilliant liar.  Like Snape of Harry Potter fame, Edmond could hide the truth deep down in his soul.  His cloak of goodness slipped occasionally and I would wonder what was wrong-- what was going on.  I knew that I wanted counseling, but had no idea why and what was really distancing us in our relationship.

Those years of struggle, wonder, and confusion pushed me to question who I was and what I wanted.  I was blessed to have dear friends challenge me to become a better person; not to ignore the issues, but to learn to love and forgive even when I didn't understand.  To open the boxes of pain, share the hurt with my Savior and ask him to take it for me, because I couldn't be the person I wanted when I was storing all my pain and hurt and never forgiving those around me.

Even in the bad, with the love of the Savior in my life, good things happened.  I grew and I loved.  Edmond's desire to change has been the icing on a cake baked in the crucible of hard work and love. (And really, while icing really compliments the cake, a good cake is nothing to turn up your nose about. My growth made the bad not so... well bad.)

The UGLY

Edmond is not the only addict I have lived with.  We hosted Fernand in our home for several months.  For the sake of differentiating the Bad from the UUUUGLY, let me compare Edmond and Fernand.

Edmond is at heart a really good guy!  His moral center is dead on.  He has known his whole life that the addiction that haunts him is a problem and not the way he wants to live. Edmond tried to fight the fight.  Edmond's lies were to hide his pain and suffering.  From what I understand, he lied as little as possible-- he really wanted to do the right thing.  (Note the desire was in the right place, even if the actions were not always following with that desire.)

Fernand was a different story.  Fernand lied to gain advantage and to get what he wanted.  Our communications were filled with stretches of truth, back peddling from statements, promises, blatant disregard for the promises made and lame excuses to justify himself.

I hate to make a distinction with lies-- some being better than others when they all stink-- but really there is a stark difference in the energy, peace, and joy in a home when this malicious kind of lie takes over.

Now, I don't consider myself a love light-wieght.  I can and have loved tough people.  I know that about myself.  Loving Fernand was INCREDIBLY challenging, draining and disheartening. I knew I couldn't control, cajole or force his behavior; all I could do was pray, hope, and watch him make poor choices.

Watching and waiting is painful.  I think WATCHING was the best gift Mary could give her son as He hung on the cross.  To watch with Him, stay beside Him and continue to love as He suffered and died.  Maybe that is the gift we can give to our Fernands.  To watch and love even when it is painful.


Ladies, we can LOVE, really LOVE as we focus on the Love our Savior has for us.  We will fail (been there, done that, doing it again tomorrow).  We will watch others fail.

But Love we can, through the Good, the Bad and the UGLY.

My Two Brains

One of the most powerful things I have learned through my counselor is the psychological underpinnings of addiction. I learned why I always felt like there were two 'me's'. The me who wanted more than anything to get away from and defeat my addiction, and the me who was powerless to control myself when faced with temptations. The answer was in my two brains.

No, I don't really have two brains. What I do have is two parts to my brain, the limbic system, and the prefrontal cortex. The limbic system is the part of the brain that is responsible for survival. It is concerned with making sure we get the things we need to survive (food, water, air, shelter, etc.). The limbic systems main goals are to avoid pain and seek pleasure. The prefrontal cortex on the other hand is the rational part of the brain. This is the area of the brain where morals and values are processed. This is the part of the brain that processes right and wrong.

These two parts of the brain can be compared to the natural man and the spirit. King Benjamin teaches us:

 "For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." (Mosiah 3:19)

This is what has become powerful to me in my recovery. The goal is not to fight the natural main. The goal is to "yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit". Many of my challenges and failings have been that I was trying to fight the natural man, I was trying to fight my limbic system. The limbic system perceives this as a threat and tries to replace the pain of fighting with something pleasurable. For me that pleasurable thing was pornography and masturbation.

In trying to fight against my addiction, I was actually reinforcing it. I cannot fight my addiction. It is stronger and more skilled at fighting. Instead of fighting, I need to "yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit." I need to become a saint through the atonement of Jesus Christ.

For me, this means I no longer fight when I am faced with temptations, triggers, challenges, or whatever term you want to use for them. Instead, I acknowledge them and choose to walk away. This is the beauty of my two brains. While the limbic system is very good at trying to get me to seek pleasure and avoid pain, it requires the permission of the prefrontal cortex to actually make any part of my body physically move. The natural man requires the permission of the spirit to be able to act. My challenge then is to strengthen my spirit so it has the power to say "I understand you want to do that, but I choose to yield to the Holy Spirit."

I choose to not fight, but instead to walk away from my addiction and into the arms of My Savior Jesus Christ.

Eyes Wide Open

I will never forget the night Edmond confessed to me that he had been viewing pornography again.  I had been under the impression that he had been clean since his last confession more than 10 years earlier.  Edmond admitted that his actions could put his career, marriage, and salvation in jeopardy and that he was committed to change.

I wanted to be angry--- to be livid; to scream, kick, hit and generally rip into him.   How DARE he risk our family's welfare!  How DARE he lie to me for years!  But in that moment, I was enveloped in an embrace of love.  I was given the gift of feeling God's deep, abiding love for His son.  I was powerfully reminded that I had married a GOOD MAN; and that good man still existed beneath the sin.  That gift of love silenced my anger, doubt and fears and allowed me the opportunity to express my love and the love I knew the Lord had for Edmond.

The next morning my new reality started sinking in, and I began to feel despair, worry and frustration.  In search of peace, I spent the day at the temple praying for the peace of the atonement to work in my life and in the life of my husband.  That day, I was the sobbing mess in the far corner of the Celestial Room.  But again I was given the gift of peace-- this time in comforting passages of scripture-- reminding me that my struggles and pleading and prayers were known to my Father in Heaven.  He would provide for and care for me.

Later that day Edmond revealed in an email that his addiction included masturbating, that the addiction had begun long before we even met and that while he had been clean when we married, he had struggled for most of our marriage with this problem.  At that point I broke down, again, in a ball of tears wanting to scream to the world, "MY LIFE, MY MARRIAGE HAS BEEN A LIE!"  I hid in my room, let my kids run wild and sobbed like a baby.

Yet again, peace was poured out into my soul.  I was able to be composed and call Edmond, thank him for his honesty and reassure him that, yes, I did want him to continue to be part of my life and that working together we could climb this mountain.

Looking back, I am overcome with gratitude at the tender mercies the Lord sent me in those early days.  The healing balm of love was able to overcome the hurt, confusion and fear.  In moments of panic, I would remember a favorite verse, "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6);"  or, "Let not your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid (John 14:27);" or "God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7)."   "My God hath been my support.... He hath filled me with his love (2Nephi 4: 19-20)."

To the other Edmonds out there:  be honest, frank and open.  Answer your Haydee's questions without guile.  What helped me most to trust Edmond again was his absolute honesty, even when he knew it would hurt me.  He understood that I deserved to know and understand how his actions had affected and infiltrated seemingly innocent aspects of our marriage.  When I questioned Edmond's past motives or wondered if his random spurts of depression were part a trigger or a side affect of the sin, he answered.  From the excuses he made to avoid temple attendance to the obsession with certain aspects of foreplay, Edmond was HONEST with me.  Be open and hide not in the darkness that tells you not to trust your Haydee.  Believe in her ability to love you despite your weaknesses.

To the other Haydees reading this:  be kind and be loving.  Your reaction and your ability to love at the time of confession-- your Edmond's moment of complete vulnerability-- is crucial.  Pray for God's ability to love to bless you as you love your spouse.  Satan will teach you to despair, hate and fear-- but "fear not what man can do; for perfect love casteth out all fear (Moroni 8:16)."  Be a manifestation of God's divine love.  What greater gift can you give someone in the depths of despair than your love, faith, hope and encouragement.  When you doubt your ability to show love, remember Christ has said, "if ye have faith in me, ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me (Moroni 7:33 and again in Moroni 10:23)."  Have faith and hope in the power of atonement; Christ can and will teach you to love and trust again.

Why Monte Cristo?

Edmond and I are book lovers by nature.  We find truth and beauty in the writings of others.  A year can not pass without one of us immersing ourselves in the conspiracy, treachery, revenge and kindness that makes up Aledandre Dumas' The Count of Monte Cristo.

In the novel you meet Edmond Dantes.  He has a beautiful life-- he is marrying the girl of his dreams and has been promoted to the captaincy of a ship.  So called friends accuse him of treason and ill fortune shuts him in the prison on Chateau d'If.  Plunged into despair, he remains in prison for 18 years.  A true friend helps him escape his ignorance and Dantes learns to find hope in education and freedom of mind amid captivity.  After liberation from prison, Dantes learns the fates of the conspirators who betrayed him and is repulsed to find them living a life of ease.  Sworn to act as the Lord's tool of justice, Dantes assumes the identity of the Count of Monte Cristo and assists fate in the work of vengeance.

This masterpiece of French Literature thrills me each time I read it.  The inner struggles of Dantes as he reconciles his actions and the love of God rend my heart.  Dantes grows in light and wisdom as he finds and understands the healing power of love and the grace of God.

Each of us pass through journeys that plunge us into the prisons of despair and despondency.  Whether we land in that prison due to our own actions or the actions of others, the experience affords us the opportunity to grow in light and turn to the source of strength that can free us.

At the end of his healing journey, Dantes gives his protege Maximilian Morell a final piece of advice on how to find joy and peace amid the injustice of the world:

"Live then and be happy..., and never forget that until the day God will deign  to reveal the future to men, all human wisdom is contained in these two words, -- 'Wait and hope.'" (Dumas 1462)

I am honored to share my feelings and experiences with you as I learn to wait and hope on the Lord.

The Beginning

Hello, my name is Edmond Dantes. I have been married to my wife Haydee for a little over 15 years. For the past 25 years, I have been addicted to lust. For me, this has been manifest through my use of pornography and masturbation. About 11 years ago, I admitted my use of pornography to my wife and to my bishop. Haydee and I both thought that would be the end of it, but it wasn't. Within a few months, I was back into my addiction and my lies to cover it up.

About 2 months ago, I had an experience that caused me to realize that my life could no longer continue heading in the direction it was going. I started researching sex addiction and resources for overcoming it. I was hoping to find something that I could do on my own, but that is not how it works. A few days later, I was talking with my wife, and I couldn't stop myself from saying what I was going through. The next day, I told her more about the nature and extent of my addiction. I also called and made an appointment to see the bishop.

Both Haydee and the bishop responded in a manner that was beyond my comprehension. They both responded with love and a confidence that working together we could overcome this addiction. This response was unbelievable to my addicted mind. I could only see myself as a worthless sinner who was undeserving of love from anyone. Their response gave me a glimmer of hope that maybe there was more to me than my addiction. With their encouragement, I've started counseling and attending a support group.

I have also continued researching on my own. It was through this research that I found the LDS Addiction Recovery Blogs. I have found great strength and insights from both the blogs of those struggling with addiction and the blogs of those whose family members are struggling with addiction. What I did not find were any blogs in the middle. That is the inspiration for this blog. In this blog, Haydee and I will be documenting our journey of recovery, both individually and as a couple.

We hope that others will be able to find support and strength from this blog as we have found support and strength from the blogs of others.