The Past Opened Up

Life has been so beautiful.  You know when things are cruising- you and your spouse are communicating well, life is blissful, wonderfully in love - the world is at peace.  I ought to know that all HELL will break loose in that moment.

That is exactly what happened last week.  I went out with my girlfriends and was having a tremendously great time- when the conversation moved in a direction that I did not expect- bisexuality. I was a bit uncomfortable with the conversation, but I really try to be open minded so I let her talk about what she is going through and let her be her.  What a beautiful gift to give a friend- They are ok where they are! But I really wasn't ok inside.  I started panicing, worrying.  Edmond and I stayed up till 3am trying to process why I was so triggered.

Over the next few days memories started flooding my mind- moments in time that I had long buried and tried to forget, praying that it really wasn't me that lived that moment.  You see when I was 9 or 10, I went on to a friend's house for a play date- innocent enough- I have kids that age and they do play dates all the time.  Only my friend and I didn't just play ponies, barbies and board games.  She taught me foreplay and love making skills.  I liked it enough to introduce a few friends to this new game.  The "play" lasted a summer- and made an appearance at my birthday slumber party where a few friends told me how they didn't think it was right- they weren't comfortable.  I think that was the last time I played that game.

The sexual arousal I experienced with girls was confusing.  I stole a couple pictures of busty bikini baring ladies my mom was throwing out of dad's Sports Illustrated magazine.  I kept them in my drawer and told myself that I liked to look at them because the swimsuits were really pretty.  I sat uncomfortably close to other girls.  I was fascinated with grown women's cleavage and would stare at it.  I remember my mom finding the pictures and her asking me if I liked girls not boys.  I laughed at her- and made sure to modify my behavior.  Because really, all I wanted was a boy to like me- hold my hand and maybe kiss me.. But I was always interested, fascinated, aroused by the female body.  Never once did I connect my sexual introduction by a female to that arousal by other women...

By the time I was fourteen all that was buried deep. The memory resurfaced during college when I began dating Edmond.  I went to my bishop to "confess" and to make sure I was temple worthy- I felt so much shame for what I had done and what I did to my friends (I never even considered that what was done to me was a form of sexual abuse, all I felt was shame for what I did)- I didn't want that to hold me back from a future temple marriage.  The bishop assured me that I was good, long forgiven and not to worry about it.  Spiritually I was clean. Maybe Satan was bringing it up to hold me  back from my real potential as a daughter of God. A great concept that I held on to firmly, desperately.  Anytime the memory arose, I said, Satan, I am clean!  But emotionally the wound was still open.

As I look back on almost 19 years of marriage, I can see how this experience has shaped my intimacy with Edmond- certain things are off limits or just don't happen because they were part of that shameful "play." This impacted my friendships- I was always trying to make up for being the friend who actually hurts others- I had to be the perfect friend, compassionate, listening, helping.  EVERYTHING to make up for what I had done.  It sure impacts the clothes I am comfortable wearing.  Some clothes (bikinis, plunging necklines) are shameful, sexual, lustful pieces of clothing and should be used for the bedroom only, and girls- especially teens- who wear them are only doing so to elicit arousal and attention from teenage boys. Add in LDS taboos and modestly entrenched that sentiment.

So here I am, trying to figure out what I think, what I feel and what I want. (sigh) Trying to figure out that I am still okay and lovable. The best, most wonderful part of the situation is how supportive, kind and caring Edmond has been during the process.  Holding me when all I could do was cry. Gently rubbing my back as I try to get this all out. Accepting that I may be attracted to women and not caring one bit. Loving me just the same.

And then I understood. Edmond's gift of love, acceptance and support- love I didn't feel I deserved or warranted- was the same gift I had given him 3 years ago when he confessed his addiction issues.  When I loved and accepted Edmond and helped him through his addiction, I never understood the magnitude of just being there and being kind.  Edmond's generosity, kindness and love has lifted me and helped me each day.  In small and simple ways he blesses my life.  I feel loved, I feel honored, I feel accepted.  What greater gift can we give the people we love?

Kindness. Love. Acceptance.

I Am the Captain of My Soul

One of my constant struggles is recognizing who I am. I have spent many years telling myself I was a sinner, I was no good, or that people would be appalled if they saw who I really was.

It turns out that I was the one who did not see who I really was and who I really am. I am a son of God who has been blessed with many talents and abilities that can be used to benefit those around me.

I have also been granted the ability to make choices. I have used this ability in the past to make choices that have harmed myself and others, but I am now making choices that are beginning to heal that harm. I am learning that my choices are mine to make again each moment of my life. I am not defined by the choices I have made in the past, I am defined by the choices I am making right now.

I came across a poem a few weeks ago that speaks to this point. I had heard pieces of it before, but I had never heard the entire poem before.

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

-"Invictus" William Ernest Henley

I am coming out of the blackness of the night. I may be bloodied. I have shed and caused many tears. There have been and may yet be consequences based on what I have done, but I will face them without fear. My head will continue to be unbowed. I am the captain of my soul because I am a son of God.

A "New" Me

When Edmond and I started the recovery process, I was excited to write my statement of who I was. The statement came easily and naturally.  It was an expression of all the things I am and want to be. I even made it look pretty.

Read Edmond's Statement Here

 I loved this statement for months.  It was a catalyst for me to act and learn.  Now when I meditate on this vision of who I am, I tend to see and feel the list of things I have not been or done that day.  As I am trying to strengthen myself and focus my mind on loving myself, I get hung up on what I am not, instead of remembering who I want to be.

It must be time to simplify.

Things I do know:

• My heavenly father has given me 3 amazing gifts-- my body, my agency and my Savior Jesus Christ
• I treasure these most precious gifts
• I know I am loved

My "New" Statement

I am a beloved daughter of my Father in Heaven.  Because He loves ME, he has given me the gift of a body, the gift of a Savior and the gift of agency.  I treasure these precious gifts and use them to love and serve others.  I am a powerful witness of the intense and enduring love of my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ.  Though Christ's healing power, I feel peace, hope, love and joy.

I love that I can change, adapt, modify, & adjust when I need to.  I don't have to stagnate and feel less about myself.  Because I am loved, I can move on.