To the Wives of Addicts from an Addict

In my study this morning, I read this "O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted!" (3 Nephi 22:11). My first thought when I read this is that it is a perfect description of someone who is dealing with the addiction of a loved one. As I continued to think on this, I began to understand more about how many ways we, as addicts, contribute to your affliction. I thought about how we add to the tempests in your life and how we are not there to comfort you when you need it. With that in mind, I would like to offer my apologies.

First, I am sorry for all of the lies. You willingly gave yourselves to us. You deserve for us to give you ourselves in return. Instead, you got a bunch of lies and half-truths. We lied to you from the beginning. In fact, we lied to you so many times, we began to believe some of those lies, but the reality is that none of them were true. We were lying to ourselves at the same time we were lying to you.

I am also sorry for the damage we have done to your self-worth. We should have been the ones building you up. We should have been your best support. Instead, by our words and actions you made you feel like you weren't good enough, pretty enough, sexy enough, or any number of ways we made you feel like your worth was less than it really is. The truth is you are daughters of God. Your worth is infinite and eternal, and we have no right to make you feel that you are less than you truly are.

I'm sorry for the separation we have caused. You are our wives. You are the ones we should be most involved with, but due to our choices, we have caused an emotional separation between us and you. We have been withdrawn from you when you needed to feel closeness. We have kept a part of ourselves back from you when we covenanted to give our whole selves to you.

I am sorry for not supporting you. You depend on us to help you and lift you, but our addiction has held us back. When you needed us most, we were not there for you either physically, because we were in the midst of acting out in our addiction, or emotionally, because we were dealing with the internal turmoil created by our actions.

I know this is not a complete list of the many ways we have harmed you, but please accept this sincere attempt from one addict to begin the process of repairing the damage we have done. You are truly angels in our lives. We do not deserve your love and goodness, and you do not deserve the torment we have put you through. This may not always be clear to us when we are in the depths of our addiction, but in our moments of clarity, we recognize how wonderful you are and how much we have come to rely on you for our strength.

I would like to leave you with the words of Isaiah that come just a few verses after where I started today. "In righteousness shalt thou be established" (3 Nephi 22:14). You are simply amazing. You will be exalted because of your righteousness, and I hope that we come to our senses and join you on that journey.

Choosing to Be Haydee

Are you familiar with the Count Of Monte Cristo's female characters? Haydee, Mercedes, and Valentine.  Each woman faced unthinkable hardship and heart break.  As I reread Monte Cristo recently, I thought about how each woman fared with the challenges she faced and finally understood why Edmond calls me his Haydee.

Mercedes grew up in a poor fisherman's village.  She was hours from her marriage when her fiance was arrested on spurious charges and whisked away.  She never was told if he was dead or rotting away in some prison.  A year later, she married her good friend Fernand, who amassed a fortune while serving in the army.  The fortune allowed them to live the high life in Parisian society.

When Mercedes learned the fraud surrounding her husband's fortune, she and her grown son abandoned their Parisian life, home and husband/father to build their own future.  Mercedes was without hope and extremely depressed.  Resignation and despair clouded all her visions of the future.  She accepted the charity of Edmond and lived a solitary and sad life.

We meet Valentine as a teen betrothed to a man she doesn't love (and who doesn't love her in return).  She secretly loved a decorated military officer her family had never met.  Her only friend and confidant was her paraplegic and mute grandfather.  When tragedy struck her family and her unwanted marriage is expedited she choose to trust her grandfather and followed his directions in faith.

As Valentine's world continued to crumble around her, she learned to see what is real, to recognize the true threats to her safety and through her trust in Higher Powers was able to be united with her love.  While she mourned for tragedy and hurt that surrounded her family, she found joy in the miracles she experienced.

As a young child, Haydee experienced unimaginable pain.  She witnessed the betrayal of her father and the mass slaughter of all her loved ones.  She was sold into slavery by one who professed to be her friend and protector.

Haydee was purchased by a wealthy man who planned to use her as leverage against his enemies.  He treated her like a queen, but his heart was cold and removed. Haydee quietly observed him, relished his presence and saw all the good he did do.  Haydee learned to love this man for who he really was.  When all he could see was his faults, the injuries he had caused others, his obsession with vengeance;  when all his future was beak with the hatred he had filled his heart with-- even in that moment Haydee saw his goodness.  And LOVED HIM.  Haydee lived in hope and love she found peace and a happily ever after life.


Our stories are filled with heartache and pain.  HOW we choose to live will determine our future.   You may be a Valentine or a Haydee or a Mary or a Martha.  You  may even feel like a Mercedes some days.  We can live in sorrow and be resigned to life and pain.  We can also live in faith and be joyful.

Today I choose to live like Haydee.  With love and trust.