Life has been so beautiful. You know when things are cruising- you and your spouse are communicating well, life is blissful, wonderfully in love - the world is at peace. I ought to know that all HELL will break loose in that moment.
That is exactly what happened last week. I went out with my girlfriends and was having a tremendously great time- when the conversation moved in a direction that I did not expect- bisexuality. I was a bit uncomfortable with the conversation, but I really try to be open minded so I let her talk about what she is going through and let her be her. What a beautiful gift to give a friend- They are ok where they are! But I really wasn't ok inside. I started panicing, worrying. Edmond and I stayed up till 3am trying to process why I was so triggered.
Over the next few days memories started flooding my mind- moments in time that I had long buried and tried to forget, praying that it really wasn't me that lived that moment. You see when I was 9 or 10, I went on to a friend's house for a play date- innocent enough- I have kids that age and they do play dates all the time. Only my friend and I didn't just play ponies, barbies and board games. She taught me foreplay and love making skills. I liked it enough to introduce a few friends to this new game. The "play" lasted a summer- and made an appearance at my birthday slumber party where a few friends told me how they didn't think it was right- they weren't comfortable. I think that was the last time I played that game.
The sexual arousal I experienced with girls was confusing. I stole a couple pictures of busty bikini baring ladies my mom was throwing out of dad's Sports Illustrated magazine. I kept them in my drawer and told myself that I liked to look at them because the swimsuits were really pretty. I sat uncomfortably close to other girls. I was fascinated with grown women's cleavage and would stare at it. I remember my mom finding the pictures and her asking me if I liked girls not boys. I laughed at her- and made sure to modify my behavior. Because really, all I wanted was a boy to like me- hold my hand and maybe kiss me.. But I was always interested, fascinated, aroused by the female body. Never once did I connect my sexual introduction by a female to that arousal by other women...
By the time I was fourteen all that was buried deep. The memory resurfaced during college when I began dating Edmond. I went to my bishop to "confess" and to make sure I was temple worthy- I felt so much shame for what I had done and what I did to my friends (I never even considered that what was done to me was a form of sexual abuse, all I felt was shame for what I did)- I didn't want that to hold me back from a future temple marriage. The bishop assured me that I was good, long forgiven and not to worry about it. Spiritually I was clean. Maybe Satan was bringing it up to hold me back from my real potential as a daughter of God. A great concept that I held on to firmly, desperately. Anytime the memory arose, I said, Satan, I am clean! But emotionally the wound was still open.
As I look back on almost 19 years of marriage, I can see how this experience has shaped my intimacy with Edmond- certain things are off limits or just don't happen because they were part of that shameful "play." This impacted my friendships- I was always trying to make up for being the friend who actually hurts others- I had to be the perfect friend, compassionate, listening, helping. EVERYTHING to make up for what I had done. It sure impacts the clothes I am comfortable wearing. Some clothes (bikinis, plunging necklines) are shameful, sexual, lustful pieces of clothing and should be used for the bedroom only, and girls- especially teens- who wear them are only doing so to elicit arousal and attention from teenage boys. Add in LDS taboos and modestly entrenched that sentiment.
So here I am, trying to figure out what I think, what I feel and what I want. (sigh) Trying to figure out that I am still okay and lovable. The best, most wonderful part of the situation is how supportive, kind and caring Edmond has been during the process. Holding me when all I could do was cry. Gently rubbing my back as I try to get this all out. Accepting that I may be attracted to women and not caring one bit. Loving me just the same.
And then I understood. Edmond's gift of love, acceptance and support- love I didn't feel I deserved or warranted- was the same gift I had given him 3 years ago when he confessed his addiction issues. When I loved and accepted Edmond and helped him through his addiction, I
never understood the magnitude of just being there and being kind. Edmond's generosity, kindness and love has lifted me and helped me each day. In small and simple ways he blesses my life. I feel loved, I feel honored, I feel accepted. What greater gift can we give the people we love?
Kindness. Love. Acceptance.
Friday, July 29, 2016
Saturday, December 5, 2015
Like A Toddler
I love working in the Primary at church. Oh happy place. Singing, joy, light, simple, peace. A few years ago Edmond and I got to work in the nursery together. We had three or four kids who were just terrified to leave their parents. Even after weeks of mom and dad playing with them happily in the nursery room, and fun bonding moments with the nursery workers, they were still afraid when mom or dad left the room. These sweet kids were used to the continual love and constant nurturing of a loving parent- and asking them to trust another adult was SUPER SCARY! Would mom and dad come back? Would they be left alone forever? Could these strangers meet my needs and comfort me when I cry? It was a hard transition for some of them.
With that image as a backdrop, I have been evaluating my life recently. After a couple years of comfort and nourishment and feeling God's love powerfully, he left me. The scriptures had told me that I was only commanded to trust in the Lord, and instructed me not to rely on the arm of flesh- I was safe with that. I felt good. Then God sent me to nursery class. He left me with a man who had broken my trust and hurt me and I was scared. I was so mad- at God. Really you command me to trust you- and now you are asking me to extend that trust to someone else?!? I wanted to scream, "WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING!!!!" And then God walked away-- he was probably outside the door watching me kick and scream, tantrum, then when that didn't work, lay in a heap and cry for hours at a time. As a parent I know how hard it is to watch my child experience that heart wrenching pain, disappointment and fear, but I also know that it is a step that will help them forever in life.
Practicing trusting Edmond has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. I can't say I have learned how to do it. I am still practicing... I still have to gird up my courage and face my doubts and fears every time I ask or say something that actually means something to me. As we were working through this, Edmond asked me a question that has haunted me since.
I was wanting to ask him to come to counseling with me. He has done his therapy, I have done mine, but I wanted to do some together. But I was so afraid he would feel like I was judging him, that he would feel that I was just doing this to fix him, that it would be perceived as an attack against him. I was so pathetically afraid-- I started by inviting him to come with me, you know if you want. He didn't get that hint. Then I said, do you want to try my councilor, (his had just left private practice) you know, you haven't had someone to talk to for a while. Didn't work. Finally, weeks later, I just asked. It would mean a lot to me if you would come with me. I want your support. Edmond's response was classic. Sure, if it is important to you I'll be there. When I was brave enough to tell him that I had been wanting him to come with me for weeks and weeks his statement stung. "What kind of monster do you think I am that I wouldn't be willing to do something that meant so much to you?"
Love is what has prompted Edmond to get clean and work to stay there. Not just love for me, but because he loves God and loves himself too. Edmond would never really want to or intentionally try to hurt me. He is not a monster. He is my nursery leader- someone who has promised to do their best to love and care for me.-- Like any nursery leader he will not succeed at meeting my needs at all times. He is learning, just like I am learning too. He is practicing responding to my cry for help, attention and love. I am practicing asking for it.
I'll be honest, my favorite times in nursery were when a child would come up to me and ask me to play with them. They may give me a baby to love on, or feed me with their pretend food, or ask me to knock down their tower with them, or just race cars or roll a ball together. They trusted me and wanted me. I was needed and wanted- and they were loved and supported. Win-Win. What better way to show my love and trust for Edmond than to invite him to be with me- to see me, to help me, to play with me. Inviting him to meet my need is a gift of love I can give to him. Practicing....
With that image as a backdrop, I have been evaluating my life recently. After a couple years of comfort and nourishment and feeling God's love powerfully, he left me. The scriptures had told me that I was only commanded to trust in the Lord, and instructed me not to rely on the arm of flesh- I was safe with that. I felt good. Then God sent me to nursery class. He left me with a man who had broken my trust and hurt me and I was scared. I was so mad- at God. Really you command me to trust you- and now you are asking me to extend that trust to someone else?!? I wanted to scream, "WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING!!!!" And then God walked away-- he was probably outside the door watching me kick and scream, tantrum, then when that didn't work, lay in a heap and cry for hours at a time. As a parent I know how hard it is to watch my child experience that heart wrenching pain, disappointment and fear, but I also know that it is a step that will help them forever in life.
Practicing trusting Edmond has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. I can't say I have learned how to do it. I am still practicing... I still have to gird up my courage and face my doubts and fears every time I ask or say something that actually means something to me. As we were working through this, Edmond asked me a question that has haunted me since.
I was wanting to ask him to come to counseling with me. He has done his therapy, I have done mine, but I wanted to do some together. But I was so afraid he would feel like I was judging him, that he would feel that I was just doing this to fix him, that it would be perceived as an attack against him. I was so pathetically afraid-- I started by inviting him to come with me, you know if you want. He didn't get that hint. Then I said, do you want to try my councilor, (his had just left private practice) you know, you haven't had someone to talk to for a while. Didn't work. Finally, weeks later, I just asked. It would mean a lot to me if you would come with me. I want your support. Edmond's response was classic. Sure, if it is important to you I'll be there. When I was brave enough to tell him that I had been wanting him to come with me for weeks and weeks his statement stung. "What kind of monster do you think I am that I wouldn't be willing to do something that meant so much to you?"
Love is what has prompted Edmond to get clean and work to stay there. Not just love for me, but because he loves God and loves himself too. Edmond would never really want to or intentionally try to hurt me. He is not a monster. He is my nursery leader- someone who has promised to do their best to love and care for me.-- Like any nursery leader he will not succeed at meeting my needs at all times. He is learning, just like I am learning too. He is practicing responding to my cry for help, attention and love. I am practicing asking for it.
I'll be honest, my favorite times in nursery were when a child would come up to me and ask me to play with them. They may give me a baby to love on, or feed me with their pretend food, or ask me to knock down their tower with them, or just race cars or roll a ball together. They trusted me and wanted me. I was needed and wanted- and they were loved and supported. Win-Win. What better way to show my love and trust for Edmond than to invite him to be with me- to see me, to help me, to play with me. Inviting him to meet my need is a gift of love I can give to him. Practicing....
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Continuing the Journey
It has been a long while since I posted and so much has been happening. Edmond is still in active recovery.. a place where I am sure he will be for years, relearning how to handle stress, disappointment and hurt in positive ways. And while he is learning I am learning too.
Honestly, the last six months have been so hellish for me. You would think that the first six months would be harder, but I was surrounded by God's love and buoyed up and comforted in way that I just felt peace. Two and half years into recovery, I began to feel the weight of it all. You could see that in my posts in the spring and summer. Just heavy, weight, darkness, despair. I couldn't write, I couldn't feel hope. It was all darkness. It was an existential crisis. What was real? Did God exist? Could I trust anyone? I can't even trust myself! I can't tell truth from lies. I honestly didn't know what was real anymore. My reality shattered. All that was left was pain and sorrow.
I was working with a therapist who encouraged me to check out the LDS recovery site for addicts' families. I read through the first article and sat and cried- then I paced, then I wanted to throw things. Why? I was so angry. The list of feelings addicts loved ones may feel were so trivial. Temple covenants, financial concerns, criminal charges. Sure, issues to address. But I didn't know who I was anymore. All of those concerns seemed so far away. How can I deal with that, if I don't know what I believe, think or want anymore. I had no belief that I would feel joy or light again. I had no belief that I would feel loved, safe or protected. I worried about and waited for the next disclosure. The next time my heart would be ripped out and stomped on. How could I even begin to deal with those issues. My therapist was shocked and stunned that the site would trigger me so much. He carefully avoided LDS recovery after that. But I still didn't find peace.
Finally a good friend found an article that explained to me that I wasn't crazy. That I wasn't off my rocker. It spoke to me in a way that logically explained why I felt all the things I was feeling. Finally I was seen and understood by someone, and I wasn't just CRAZY, or worse an over-reacting, hyper paranoid female! So this article is long... and very technical/academic.. but is worth the time. 13 Dimensions of Sex Addiction Induced Trauma
After I understood me, I had to be super brave. I asked Edmond to read it and ask me which aspects applied to me currently. (It took a couple weeks of wanting, wishing and some hints before I was able to say clearly, aloud, it would mean a lot to me if you would read this and talk to me about it... Sweet man that he was, he asked why didn't you tell me sooner you wanted this-- sheepish grin. I'm learning to trust you with what I really want.)
It was a beautiful way for me to feel validated and seen. Edmond even asked what he could do. The answer was just to see me, to understand where I am and love me anyway. I had felt so much guilt and yuck about all I had been feeling, and having a person I care about most understand me meant so much. I feel hope.
Honestly, the last six months have been so hellish for me. You would think that the first six months would be harder, but I was surrounded by God's love and buoyed up and comforted in way that I just felt peace. Two and half years into recovery, I began to feel the weight of it all. You could see that in my posts in the spring and summer. Just heavy, weight, darkness, despair. I couldn't write, I couldn't feel hope. It was all darkness. It was an existential crisis. What was real? Did God exist? Could I trust anyone? I can't even trust myself! I can't tell truth from lies. I honestly didn't know what was real anymore. My reality shattered. All that was left was pain and sorrow.
I was working with a therapist who encouraged me to check out the LDS recovery site for addicts' families. I read through the first article and sat and cried- then I paced, then I wanted to throw things. Why? I was so angry. The list of feelings addicts loved ones may feel were so trivial. Temple covenants, financial concerns, criminal charges. Sure, issues to address. But I didn't know who I was anymore. All of those concerns seemed so far away. How can I deal with that, if I don't know what I believe, think or want anymore. I had no belief that I would feel joy or light again. I had no belief that I would feel loved, safe or protected. I worried about and waited for the next disclosure. The next time my heart would be ripped out and stomped on. How could I even begin to deal with those issues. My therapist was shocked and stunned that the site would trigger me so much. He carefully avoided LDS recovery after that. But I still didn't find peace.
Finally a good friend found an article that explained to me that I wasn't crazy. That I wasn't off my rocker. It spoke to me in a way that logically explained why I felt all the things I was feeling. Finally I was seen and understood by someone, and I wasn't just CRAZY, or worse an over-reacting, hyper paranoid female! So this article is long... and very technical/academic.. but is worth the time. 13 Dimensions of Sex Addiction Induced Trauma
After I understood me, I had to be super brave. I asked Edmond to read it and ask me which aspects applied to me currently. (It took a couple weeks of wanting, wishing and some hints before I was able to say clearly, aloud, it would mean a lot to me if you would read this and talk to me about it... Sweet man that he was, he asked why didn't you tell me sooner you wanted this-- sheepish grin. I'm learning to trust you with what I really want.)
It was a beautiful way for me to feel validated and seen. Edmond even asked what he could do. The answer was just to see me, to understand where I am and love me anyway. I had felt so much guilt and yuck about all I had been feeling, and having a person I care about most understand me meant so much. I feel hope.
Thursday, July 23, 2015
I'm a Liar Too
Sometimes we accuse our addicts of being liars and manipulative. It is a safe accusation. They covered up; the told half truths. I hate to say it: Me too. I have lied, I have hidden, I have withheld. I did it to protect myself- I never felt safe enough to reveal me. But I did lie. I did manipulate. I did hide the truth. Edmond asked me candidly, what kind of monster am I that you would be afraid to tell me the truth?
He is no monster, I still fear Edmond. I am afraid of his disapproval. I fear the silence as he processes his emotions. I fear expressing my needs and asking for him to meet a need- I fear being let down again- confirming in my mind that my needs don't matter. I fear being unlovable because I just can't be done with this healing stuff. I fear that Edmond would be crushed- if he ever knew and felt and saw how deeply I hurt, how insecure and incomplete I feel, and how unlovable I still feel. I fear that my feelings will drive him away and I will be left alone. I fear the hurt he could cause me if he ever chose to.
So I have lied. I have told half truths. I have concealed what is really going on with me. I don't want to live that way anymore.
My work recently has been to learn to trust me- trust that my feelings are actually my feelings. Learn to be honest with myself about what is going on inside me spiritually, physically and emotionally. And the hardest part is to trust Edmond with me- the real me -- the parts of me that I have hidden from myself, the parts that I wish weren't there, the hurts, the true joy, the peace,the pain. All of it. It is not easy for me to be this open, and it certainly isn't easy for Edmond to see this part of me- and to learn how much I have lied and hidden from him.
When I started this journey a couple years ago, my baby step was learning to trust God. Re-learning that he knew me, he loved me, and was watching over me. I felt comforted as I read in the scriptures that I was only ever commanded to Trust in the Lord. I wasn't required to trust myself; my judgement had been lacking enough that I didn't know me. And I didn't have to trust Edmond either. But the Lord wants more for me. He has been coaching me and helping me reach out and trust. I am beginning to see how much I have progressed in learning to trust. Baby steps.
I used to save all my pain and sorrow for the shower- my safe place. I could cry as long as I needed while Edmond was at work or asleep. If I could just hold the pain, or tuck it away until he was gone, then I could allow myself to freely feel. Tears now stain my face as I talk to Edmond about what I feel.
I used to suck it up until I could hold no more hurt. Now I practice (and fail) at expressing my emotions as they come up.
I used to have to practice and rehash my emotions with multiple friends, therapists and then my blog before I felt assured that what I felt was rational, reasonable, and within the bounds of acceptable to express. Only then could I tell Edmond what was going on with me. I am practicing telling him what I feel, asking him to meet a need, and explaining my situation with out coaching.
But I am making strides at putting myself out there. Asking instead of hinting.
I have a long way to go. I sorrow at the pain I cause Edmond as I sheepishly relate that it took me a couple of days to summon the courage to tell him something. Really that is what is holding me back from trusting Edmond. My fear of being hurt yet again. Every time I trust, every time I reach out, every time I talk, I learn that everything will be ok. I can trust.
He is no monster, I still fear Edmond. I am afraid of his disapproval. I fear the silence as he processes his emotions. I fear expressing my needs and asking for him to meet a need- I fear being let down again- confirming in my mind that my needs don't matter. I fear being unlovable because I just can't be done with this healing stuff. I fear that Edmond would be crushed- if he ever knew and felt and saw how deeply I hurt, how insecure and incomplete I feel, and how unlovable I still feel. I fear that my feelings will drive him away and I will be left alone. I fear the hurt he could cause me if he ever chose to.
So I have lied. I have told half truths. I have concealed what is really going on with me. I don't want to live that way anymore.
My work recently has been to learn to trust me- trust that my feelings are actually my feelings. Learn to be honest with myself about what is going on inside me spiritually, physically and emotionally. And the hardest part is to trust Edmond with me- the real me -- the parts of me that I have hidden from myself, the parts that I wish weren't there, the hurts, the true joy, the peace,the pain. All of it. It is not easy for me to be this open, and it certainly isn't easy for Edmond to see this part of me- and to learn how much I have lied and hidden from him.
When I started this journey a couple years ago, my baby step was learning to trust God. Re-learning that he knew me, he loved me, and was watching over me. I felt comforted as I read in the scriptures that I was only ever commanded to Trust in the Lord. I wasn't required to trust myself; my judgement had been lacking enough that I didn't know me. And I didn't have to trust Edmond either. But the Lord wants more for me. He has been coaching me and helping me reach out and trust. I am beginning to see how much I have progressed in learning to trust. Baby steps.
I used to save all my pain and sorrow for the shower- my safe place. I could cry as long as I needed while Edmond was at work or asleep. If I could just hold the pain, or tuck it away until he was gone, then I could allow myself to freely feel. Tears now stain my face as I talk to Edmond about what I feel.
I used to suck it up until I could hold no more hurt. Now I practice (and fail) at expressing my emotions as they come up.
I used to have to practice and rehash my emotions with multiple friends, therapists and then my blog before I felt assured that what I felt was rational, reasonable, and within the bounds of acceptable to express. Only then could I tell Edmond what was going on with me. I am practicing telling him what I feel, asking him to meet a need, and explaining my situation with out coaching.
But I am making strides at putting myself out there. Asking instead of hinting.
I have a long way to go. I sorrow at the pain I cause Edmond as I sheepishly relate that it took me a couple of days to summon the courage to tell him something. Really that is what is holding me back from trusting Edmond. My fear of being hurt yet again. Every time I trust, every time I reach out, every time I talk, I learn that everything will be ok. I can trust.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Lies, Lies, Lies
My last post was pretty brutal-- deep hidden feelings, fears, things I have hidden away for years. Some days I want to blame Edmond for those insecurities. You did this to me. But the truth of the matter is that I saw in Edmond's actions the confirmation of the lies I already believed in myself.
Yup. LIES I ALREADY BELIEVED ABOUT MYSELF! I don't matter; I don't count; I don't have any right to have needs; I am not loveable; I can only rely on me; I am not safe; I can not trust; LIES! LIES! LIES! Lies that, if I am honest, exited in my heart long before I even knew Edmond.
There are lots of ways to destroy a soul. Sin, selfishness, vice. Yup they will eat away at you. Lies about your worth, value and importance can destroy you from within-- Lies that seem so appealing because they explain away another's poor behavior. Lies that comfort and seem to empower you when you feel helpless. Lies that I carried around like a warm blanket in the frigid hours of despair-- Only the blanket was really tattered, ratty and full of holes. Oh, how I believed that they would keep me warm.
Basing my life on those lies I became a control freak; I could only feel safe if I accounted for all the details of my life and the lives of my family; I knew and planned ahead for all eventualities, including preparing myself for the negativity I was sure to receive. If you are prepared for people not liking you, complaining about something, and generally behaving poorly, it doesn't hurt as much when that happens, right?
I became extremely competent-- I am a talented person by nature, but I became exceptional. Perfection or don't even try. Exceed expectations daily, moment by moment. Any minor critique reinforced that even though I gave my all, I was not enough. Must try harder and do more next time. And live second by second seeing all the things that were not done perfectly. Accommodate everyone's demands, wishes and requests. Do all that I can do to make others happy so they won't see my failings- or at least pray they won't comment about them today.
And when I was too exhausted from running at 90mph to please and beg acceptance from those around me, I would numb out-- distract, avoid, disengage. Facebook, food, business, pinterest, tv. Anything to avoid feelings and the confirmation that I really am a horrible person.
You see, Edmond didn't do this to me. I chose to believe and live a lie. Satan is so smart. He knows my weakness; he knows Edmond's. Satan exploited Edmond's weaknesses and turned him to addiction. Me? He turned me from the truth.
I found this scripture yesterday that was exactly what happened to me:
Brutally honest moment: I have always known and believed that God loves his children-- yep, you, and you over there and Edmond and my kids, and EVERYONE BUT ME. I have felt His enormous, awe inspiring love for his children. But love me, no. How could I ever believe and trust in a God that I didn't really think loved me like he loves everyone else. I can honestly say I don't understand the purposes of the Lord. I don't get what marvelous blessings he has for me. These verses gave me some comfort.
Yup. LIES I ALREADY BELIEVED ABOUT MYSELF! I don't matter; I don't count; I don't have any right to have needs; I am not loveable; I can only rely on me; I am not safe; I can not trust; LIES! LIES! LIES! Lies that, if I am honest, exited in my heart long before I even knew Edmond.
There are lots of ways to destroy a soul. Sin, selfishness, vice. Yup they will eat away at you. Lies about your worth, value and importance can destroy you from within-- Lies that seem so appealing because they explain away another's poor behavior. Lies that comfort and seem to empower you when you feel helpless. Lies that I carried around like a warm blanket in the frigid hours of despair-- Only the blanket was really tattered, ratty and full of holes. Oh, how I believed that they would keep me warm.
Basing my life on those lies I became a control freak; I could only feel safe if I accounted for all the details of my life and the lives of my family; I knew and planned ahead for all eventualities, including preparing myself for the negativity I was sure to receive. If you are prepared for people not liking you, complaining about something, and generally behaving poorly, it doesn't hurt as much when that happens, right?
I became extremely competent-- I am a talented person by nature, but I became exceptional. Perfection or don't even try. Exceed expectations daily, moment by moment. Any minor critique reinforced that even though I gave my all, I was not enough. Must try harder and do more next time. And live second by second seeing all the things that were not done perfectly. Accommodate everyone's demands, wishes and requests. Do all that I can do to make others happy so they won't see my failings- or at least pray they won't comment about them today.
And when I was too exhausted from running at 90mph to please and beg acceptance from those around me, I would numb out-- distract, avoid, disengage. Facebook, food, business, pinterest, tv. Anything to avoid feelings and the confirmation that I really am a horrible person.
You see, Edmond didn't do this to me. I chose to believe and live a lie. Satan is so smart. He knows my weakness; he knows Edmond's. Satan exploited Edmond's weaknesses and turned him to addiction. Me? He turned me from the truth.
I found this scripture yesterday that was exactly what happened to me:
Satan seeketh to turn their hearts away from the truth, that they become blinded and understand not he things which are prepared for them. (D&C 78:11)
Brutally honest moment: I have always known and believed that God loves his children-- yep, you, and you over there and Edmond and my kids, and EVERYONE BUT ME. I have felt His enormous, awe inspiring love for his children. But love me, no. How could I ever believe and trust in a God that I didn't really think loved me like he loves everyone else. I can honestly say I don't understand the purposes of the Lord. I don't get what marvelous blessings he has for me. These verses gave me some comfort.
...ye are as little children and ye have not as yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you; And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. (D&C 78 17-18)It is ok that I don't get it. It is ok that I feel like I am not there yet. It is ok that I don't feel God's love fully. I can't bear it now, but the Lord will lead me to his Love.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Effects of Abuse
I finally had the balls to say it. That word. The A word. Abuse. That is what I am dealing with. The after effects of abuse. Edmond's behavior during addiction was at times abusive. There I said it.
Edmond's addiction created trauma in my life, and the healing process just keeps going on. Being honest about what our relationship was like during Edmond's addiction cycles has opened me up to a whole new, fun adventure. New because I have never experienced anything like being honest about my feelings. Fun because I am finally clearing out some of the trash that keeps spewing in my face, without me understanding why. This is why: I experienced trauma and the trauma was, well, traumatizing. And while Edmond is in a healthy great place, that doesn't mean the abuse never happened.
I knew it hurt me. Duh, but what did the addiction cycles do to me? What could it do, I didn't even know what was going on. I used to feel lucky I didn't know about the addiction until Edmond was really serious about coming clean. You know, fewer disappointments, fewer broken boundaries, fewer lies. No, no and no. Fifteen years of lies; years of tearing myself inside out and back right again trying to make things ok when they weren't and not having a clue why- just wishing that if only I (fill in the blank) things will get better. Years of being at odds with a monster in the room I never could see.
It took me a while to be willing to admit that I was traumatized. But I see the same behaviors in the kids I work with-- kids who have endured trauma as infants/children and are trying to figure out how to survive in regular families. I think some of these effects are par for the course. Doesn't make it any easier though.
I learned:
1. I don't matter. I don't count; my needs, my wishes, my opinions aren't important. I am a tool used to care for and meet the needs of other people. Never my needs/wants. What do I want? I have no clue what my preferences are; I am a reflection of what you want. I am the ultimate object. (Interesting that with a sex addiction, the objectification goes so much further than just sexual objectification, although that is/can be part of it)
2. I am not enough/ok/lovable. No matter what I do, there is always something I missed, something to improve upon, something I need to be better at. I must always work harder/do more/be more to receive positive attention. All this trying and doing more reinforces the concept that I am just an object- a tool.
3. I can only rely on me. The mental and emotional withdrawals during Edmond's addiction cycles meant that I carried everything. I owned it all- home, yard, finances, worries, relationships, parenting. I learned that I could not trust anyone to be there to help me when I needed it most. Even faith promoting phrases enforced that feeling: pray like it all depends on God and work like it all depends on you. YUP it does all depend on me. Nobody is there to help me.
4. I am not safe-- I am not safe enough to say what I think, do what I want, parent as I see fit or even feel what I feel. The consequences of being at odds with Edmond by saying/doing/being/thinking/feeling something that didn't fall into his narrative of the situation was emotional withdrawal, mean looks and criticism. I only felt safe with my emotions/thoughts/preferences hidden, stuffed down deep where the real me was safe. Emotions became something to fear, something to avoid, something to hide. Besides I didn't really matter; I'm just an object, a tool.
Hard. painful feelings: I am not safe; I can only rely on me; I am not lovable; but all those don't really matter because, I don't matter anyway.
And none of that is really true in the grand scheme of things. But trauma, abuse, neglect, disregard SHOUT those messages loud and clear. They scream and chant relentlessly until you give in to their siren song. You hide, you change, you fear, you cope. You survive. Do what it takes to get through each day unscathed. Pray for strength to do it again, because this is your life, and aren't you supposed to be happy and bloom where you are planted? Of course. Pretend to be happy or at least learn to be content. This is your life.
*I hate ending posts on a sad note, hopeless-- but the trauma part of my life was like this and I want it to be an accurate reflection of that part of me.
Edmond's addiction created trauma in my life, and the healing process just keeps going on. Being honest about what our relationship was like during Edmond's addiction cycles has opened me up to a whole new, fun adventure. New because I have never experienced anything like being honest about my feelings. Fun because I am finally clearing out some of the trash that keeps spewing in my face, without me understanding why. This is why: I experienced trauma and the trauma was, well, traumatizing. And while Edmond is in a healthy great place, that doesn't mean the abuse never happened.
I knew it hurt me. Duh, but what did the addiction cycles do to me? What could it do, I didn't even know what was going on. I used to feel lucky I didn't know about the addiction until Edmond was really serious about coming clean. You know, fewer disappointments, fewer broken boundaries, fewer lies. No, no and no. Fifteen years of lies; years of tearing myself inside out and back right again trying to make things ok when they weren't and not having a clue why- just wishing that if only I (fill in the blank) things will get better. Years of being at odds with a monster in the room I never could see.
It took me a while to be willing to admit that I was traumatized. But I see the same behaviors in the kids I work with-- kids who have endured trauma as infants/children and are trying to figure out how to survive in regular families. I think some of these effects are par for the course. Doesn't make it any easier though.
I learned:
1. I don't matter. I don't count; my needs, my wishes, my opinions aren't important. I am a tool used to care for and meet the needs of other people. Never my needs/wants. What do I want? I have no clue what my preferences are; I am a reflection of what you want. I am the ultimate object. (Interesting that with a sex addiction, the objectification goes so much further than just sexual objectification, although that is/can be part of it)
2. I am not enough/ok/lovable. No matter what I do, there is always something I missed, something to improve upon, something I need to be better at. I must always work harder/do more/be more to receive positive attention. All this trying and doing more reinforces the concept that I am just an object- a tool.
3. I can only rely on me. The mental and emotional withdrawals during Edmond's addiction cycles meant that I carried everything. I owned it all- home, yard, finances, worries, relationships, parenting. I learned that I could not trust anyone to be there to help me when I needed it most. Even faith promoting phrases enforced that feeling: pray like it all depends on God and work like it all depends on you. YUP it does all depend on me. Nobody is there to help me.
4. I am not safe-- I am not safe enough to say what I think, do what I want, parent as I see fit or even feel what I feel. The consequences of being at odds with Edmond by saying/doing/being/thinking/feeling something that didn't fall into his narrative of the situation was emotional withdrawal, mean looks and criticism. I only felt safe with my emotions/thoughts/preferences hidden, stuffed down deep where the real me was safe. Emotions became something to fear, something to avoid, something to hide. Besides I didn't really matter; I'm just an object, a tool.
Hard. painful feelings: I am not safe; I can only rely on me; I am not lovable; but all those don't really matter because, I don't matter anyway.
And none of that is really true in the grand scheme of things. But trauma, abuse, neglect, disregard SHOUT those messages loud and clear. They scream and chant relentlessly until you give in to their siren song. You hide, you change, you fear, you cope. You survive. Do what it takes to get through each day unscathed. Pray for strength to do it again, because this is your life, and aren't you supposed to be happy and bloom where you are planted? Of course. Pretend to be happy or at least learn to be content. This is your life.
*I hate ending posts on a sad note, hopeless-- but the trauma part of my life was like this and I want it to be an accurate reflection of that part of me.
Saturday, March 14, 2015
Finally Coming Out
Edmond and I have talked about how "funny" it is that 2 years after he confessed and began his healing process, I finally feel "safe" enough to bring out all my baggage and really begin to process-- not that I have been doing nothing for the past couple years... it is just coming to a head and I am seeing what has been going on inside. The infection is finally coming to the surface and is ready to come out. It has been ugly and uncomfortable to say the least; but so instructive at the same time.
So back up with me, as I give you a little bit of my history. (This is so much longer than usual) I am the adult child of adult children of addicts. YUP. Both of my grandpas abused/used alcohol/sex/adrenaline to escape problems. Their behavior was controlling and probably abusive at times. My parents learned first hand to
My parents did their best to raise me to have a brain, to think, to act, to be my own person. But I knew some issues were burried deep. Women look a certain way and are only ok if they are thin-- very thin. I knew that I must always look and behave perfectly.
As a child I learned that a good person anticipated another's want and fulfilled it. Play their game and we keep the status quo (safety). Be cheerful, perky and happy (because that is what a girl should be). Be intelligent and get perfect grades (you must rely on your self to get anywhere). Be always aware and ready to jump into action and help at the slightest hint of a request, spoken or unspoken, (because that is the hallmark of human decency even if you have no time, no resources, and no capacity). And be happy with whatever you get. Never make a fuss; you must endure until you can no longer stand up. Then you may softly complain, only to get back up and keep going on. Because that is your reality. That is what life is really. Play the game, pretend to be happy; do whatever it takes to make the authority happy and you are safe.
I was amazed when I went to university how slow everyone was at picking up clues about what the professor wants. Play the game. Give the professor what he wants (the answer he is looking for.) Get the A and walk away. Getting my degree was an exercise in a skill I was highly proficient at. I could play the grade game all day long! Besides, I was finally free to be what I wanted with no "controller" present to remind me that I needed to be different. Life was a joy.
And this is the baggage I took into my marriage. Buried deep inside me were lies that I told myself. If I am [fill in the blank] then there won't be a problem. If I can just figure out what he wants and needs I can do that and there won't be a problem. If I could anticipate his unspoken wishes and provide for them there won't be a problem. If I keep my complaint in long enough it won't really exist.. or maybe I'll whisper it to a friend, then get back up and keep going. That's what all women, competent, happy women really do.
All during Edmonds' addiction cycles, I played the contortionist; desperately trying to make myself into whatever he wanted me to be. No matter how I bent, how I twisted, how I tried. It never was enough. It couldn't be. I was living a lie, with a man who was living a lie. And that cycle of comply quickly with whatever is requested, be/act ok even when things aren't, and do whatever it takes to make things ok continued.
I could never make things ok. I could never be enough. I couldn't even pretend all the time that I was ok. I shoved it deeper and deeper. It must not come out-- I feared the days my real feelings would erupt out and spew over whomever was closest.
Today my feelings are not erupting with violence. I have worn down the surface, creating an avenue the ick can come out without destroying me in the process. As the lava that flows over me it is beginning to reshape my surface. It burns, it scars-- but the scars I carried keeping it in are being resurfaced, renewed, I am being reclaimed-- I hope. What will my new shape be without all the lies telling me who I must be and what I must be. That may be scariest of all-- there is a void where I can make a new me. What will I fill it with? This has been my life- who I am for 30+ years. Who will I be tomorrow?
So back up with me, as I give you a little bit of my history. (This is so much longer than usual) I am the adult child of adult children of addicts. YUP. Both of my grandpas abused/used alcohol/sex/adrenaline to escape problems. Their behavior was controlling and probably abusive at times. My parents learned first hand to
- comply and do it quickly
- be/act/fake "ok" when things weren't
- do whatever it took to make things ok
My parents did their best to raise me to have a brain, to think, to act, to be my own person. But I knew some issues were burried deep. Women look a certain way and are only ok if they are thin-- very thin. I knew that I must always look and behave perfectly.
As a child I learned that a good person anticipated another's want and fulfilled it. Play their game and we keep the status quo (safety). Be cheerful, perky and happy (because that is what a girl should be). Be intelligent and get perfect grades (you must rely on your self to get anywhere). Be always aware and ready to jump into action and help at the slightest hint of a request, spoken or unspoken, (because that is the hallmark of human decency even if you have no time, no resources, and no capacity). And be happy with whatever you get. Never make a fuss; you must endure until you can no longer stand up. Then you may softly complain, only to get back up and keep going on. Because that is your reality. That is what life is really. Play the game, pretend to be happy; do whatever it takes to make the authority happy and you are safe.
I was amazed when I went to university how slow everyone was at picking up clues about what the professor wants. Play the game. Give the professor what he wants (the answer he is looking for.) Get the A and walk away. Getting my degree was an exercise in a skill I was highly proficient at. I could play the grade game all day long! Besides, I was finally free to be what I wanted with no "controller" present to remind me that I needed to be different. Life was a joy.
And this is the baggage I took into my marriage. Buried deep inside me were lies that I told myself. If I am [fill in the blank] then there won't be a problem. If I can just figure out what he wants and needs I can do that and there won't be a problem. If I could anticipate his unspoken wishes and provide for them there won't be a problem. If I keep my complaint in long enough it won't really exist.. or maybe I'll whisper it to a friend, then get back up and keep going. That's what all women, competent, happy women really do.
All during Edmonds' addiction cycles, I played the contortionist; desperately trying to make myself into whatever he wanted me to be. No matter how I bent, how I twisted, how I tried. It never was enough. It couldn't be. I was living a lie, with a man who was living a lie. And that cycle of comply quickly with whatever is requested, be/act ok even when things aren't, and do whatever it takes to make things ok continued.
I could never make things ok. I could never be enough. I couldn't even pretend all the time that I was ok. I shoved it deeper and deeper. It must not come out-- I feared the days my real feelings would erupt out and spew over whomever was closest.
Today my feelings are not erupting with violence. I have worn down the surface, creating an avenue the ick can come out without destroying me in the process. As the lava that flows over me it is beginning to reshape my surface. It burns, it scars-- but the scars I carried keeping it in are being resurfaced, renewed, I am being reclaimed-- I hope. What will my new shape be without all the lies telling me who I must be and what I must be. That may be scariest of all-- there is a void where I can make a new me. What will I fill it with? This has been my life- who I am for 30+ years. Who will I be tomorrow?
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Like Drift Wood
I grew up near the water front and as a child loved to play on the beaches of the Pacific Northwest. The water was always frigid even on the warmest July days. But the warmth of the sun balanced the cool wetness of the rocky beach. I spent hours exploring the woods near the water, jumping, running, laughing. My brothers and I would pick up drift wood sticks, washed white and smooth by the pounding of the waves and sand alternating with the baking heat of the sun. These sticks were pirate knives and we were ready to fight to protect our beach head from invaders from the sea. At day's end as the sky was darkening and night cast shadows, we would leave our booty behind, retreating to the light and warmth of our home.
I keep thinking of that smooth wood. The beating it took over the years that turned it from a rough bark encrusted piece of wood into a smooth almost polished beauty. I am sure the sand, and the wind, and the rain and the sun were not comfortable to that humble piece of wood. Soaking and wet then baking dryness; lashing winds and salt eroding away at its surface. But a work of beauty and calm lies underneath waiting to be exposed.
Today I feel like that beat up piece of wood- not so patiently waiting for the sun and sand and wind to let up. Crawling knee deep in the muck, the seaweed and stink. Wanting it all to go away, but knowing that all this is necessary for me to be what I want -- that smooth and beautiful piece of driftwood--
Remembering today that healing takes time.
I keep thinking of that smooth wood. The beating it took over the years that turned it from a rough bark encrusted piece of wood into a smooth almost polished beauty. I am sure the sand, and the wind, and the rain and the sun were not comfortable to that humble piece of wood. Soaking and wet then baking dryness; lashing winds and salt eroding away at its surface. But a work of beauty and calm lies underneath waiting to be exposed.
Today I feel like that beat up piece of wood- not so patiently waiting for the sun and sand and wind to let up. Crawling knee deep in the muck, the seaweed and stink. Wanting it all to go away, but knowing that all this is necessary for me to be what I want -- that smooth and beautiful piece of driftwood--
Remembering today that healing takes time.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Wise Words
I have been reading C.S. Lewis' book, Mere Christianity recently and came across a beautiful passage I wanted to share. I felt inspired by Lewis' words penned more than 60 years ago. Hoping this brings you or a loved one peace today.
We may, indeed, be sure that perfect chastity- like perfect charity- will not be attained by merely human efforts. You must ask for God's help. Even when you have done so, it may seem to you for a long time that no help, or less help than you need is being given. Never mind, After each failure, ask forgiveness, pick yourself up, and try again. Every often what God first helps us towards is not the virtue itself but just this power of always trying again. For however important chastity (or courage, or truthfulness or any other virtue) may be, this process trains us in habits of the soul, which are more important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God. We learn, on the one hand, that we cannot trust ourselves even in our best moments, and on the other, that we need not despair even in our worst, for our failures are forgiven. The only fatal thing is to sit down content with anything less than perfection.Mere Christianity, Chapter 5
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Sharing the Journey
Journey to Elizabeth's, by Rose Datoc Dall, portrays the virgin Mary journeying with determination to visit her cousin Elizabeth. These women were drawn together and shared a unique burden. Both would mother men destined for greatness; both births were miraculous; both mothers would mourn the loss of their sons. Both women were chosen vessels of the lord. Beautiful wonderful women-- with intense, heavy burdens to carry. Each needed the strength of the other to be able to fulfill their tasks.
I love the peaceful determination depicted on Mary's face. She is walking confidently despite the uncertainty in her life-- would Joseph still marry me? What will my life be like now? No doubt Mary's burden was a substantial one to carry. Yet she walked forward, seeking solace and comfort from one who could understand. She faced her journey and shared it with a friend.
A dear friend gifted me this beautiful piece of artwork for Christmas. She has been a friend and confidant as I have journeyed toward healing. A journey and a friendship that began long before Edmond confided his addiction. This dear friend has loved me and listened to me for years.
She carries a burden too. Hurt and pain that penetrate the soul. That's what I am learning. We all carry unimaginable hurt and grief and process it in our own ways. But the beauty of life is in the journey we share with each other. A journey where we move toward peace, together.
Monday, December 22, 2014
A Work in Progress
My sister has a quilting blog and on Wednesdays she posts her WIPs- work in progress projects. I love the idea of it. Put it out in the open that even a highly accomplished tradeswoman has a pile of personal projects that are still in progress. Still working on them-- slowly but surely. Some stay at the bottom of the pile longer than others (she revealed one week a project that she has been working on for several years) There are days that she is just not interested in delving into that mess or something else is urgent. Projects get re-prioritized every day.
The longer I've been at this "recovery" business the more I realize that I have a list of "WIP"s that get a little attention here and there as I have time. Sometimes urgent matters take me away from the deep healing and mess at the bottom of the pile. Sometimes I have plenty of time, but no emotional energy. So I plug away at what I can and recognize that I may just always have a WIP pile and that is ok. Some days I know it is time to process and then I work on it. Healing and hope always come.
Are you dying to know my WIPs. Some of them I hope to address in the New Year-- thus keeping me accountable for actually getting work done! Some of them are just daily keeping me healthy things.
Dealing with Doubt- how to react when those icky, nagging, doubts rush into my mind.
Actively Working on Relationships vs just being in a passive, habitual roommate relationship
Remembering Who I am and Whose I am- the key motivator in my day (at least I want it to be)
Seeing the Beauty of Life
Learning to Love
I'll keep working on these things and frankly, just keeping up with life. I am a work in progress- and that's ok.
The longer I've been at this "recovery" business the more I realize that I have a list of "WIP"s that get a little attention here and there as I have time. Sometimes urgent matters take me away from the deep healing and mess at the bottom of the pile. Sometimes I have plenty of time, but no emotional energy. So I plug away at what I can and recognize that I may just always have a WIP pile and that is ok. Some days I know it is time to process and then I work on it. Healing and hope always come.
Are you dying to know my WIPs. Some of them I hope to address in the New Year-- thus keeping me accountable for actually getting work done! Some of them are just daily keeping me healthy things.
Dealing with Doubt- how to react when those icky, nagging, doubts rush into my mind.
Actively Working on Relationships vs just being in a passive, habitual roommate relationship
Remembering Who I am and Whose I am- the key motivator in my day (at least I want it to be)
Seeing the Beauty of Life
Learning to Love
I'll keep working on these things and frankly, just keeping up with life. I am a work in progress- and that's ok.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Addiction is Hell
This is something that has been in the back of my mind for several months. Addiction is hell for everyone who is touched by it. Those who are in the addiction are suffering physical, emotional, mental and spiritual trauma that cannot be understood until you start to try to find a way out. The loved ones of those in addiction suffer trauma in the same areas. They have experienced and do experience pain and heartache that I can't even begin to imagine.
As humans, we all want to feel like we are in control of our lives. Addiction brings our lives completely out of control. When we are in this state, we sometimes like to point out the faults in others to help us feel better about ourselves. I see it sometimes in the comments on the addiction recovery blogs. "I don't think it's appropriate for ..." "You should have ..." "You shouldn't ...". I'm sure I have done this myself, but I'm starting to realize that everyone affected by addiction needs support and encouragement more than critiques of their choices or circumstances.
With that being said, I would like to use the rest of this post to offer what I hope to be words of support and appreciation.
To those who have been fighting addiction for a long time and have now achieved great periods of sobriety, I say thank you for your example of what is possible. I know it is not easy and takes a consistent day-by-day effort, but because of your example, I know it is possible for me to achieve a level of awareness that will allow me to manage my thoughts and actions in way that will help become the person I was meant to be.
To those who are in the midst of the struggle, I admire you for picking yourselves back up every time you fall. It is not easy to admit when we have made mistakes, but you are willing to do that and then get back to work to make sure it doesn't happen again. You inspire me to want to continue on when I feel like all hope is lost and I can't go on.
To the wives of addicts, I admire your ability to love someone even when they have and continue to hurt you tremendously. I am working to develop this attribute for myself. I am also amazed at your determination to do what you believe is right even when you don't see how it is all going to work out.
I think you all are wonderful people for the things you do despite the challenges and struggles.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving!
As humans, we all want to feel like we are in control of our lives. Addiction brings our lives completely out of control. When we are in this state, we sometimes like to point out the faults in others to help us feel better about ourselves. I see it sometimes in the comments on the addiction recovery blogs. "I don't think it's appropriate for ..." "You should have ..." "You shouldn't ...". I'm sure I have done this myself, but I'm starting to realize that everyone affected by addiction needs support and encouragement more than critiques of their choices or circumstances.
With that being said, I would like to use the rest of this post to offer what I hope to be words of support and appreciation.
To those who have been fighting addiction for a long time and have now achieved great periods of sobriety, I say thank you for your example of what is possible. I know it is not easy and takes a consistent day-by-day effort, but because of your example, I know it is possible for me to achieve a level of awareness that will allow me to manage my thoughts and actions in way that will help become the person I was meant to be.
To those who are in the midst of the struggle, I admire you for picking yourselves back up every time you fall. It is not easy to admit when we have made mistakes, but you are willing to do that and then get back to work to make sure it doesn't happen again. You inspire me to want to continue on when I feel like all hope is lost and I can't go on.
To the wives of addicts, I admire your ability to love someone even when they have and continue to hurt you tremendously. I am working to develop this attribute for myself. I am also amazed at your determination to do what you believe is right even when you don't see how it is all going to work out.
I think you all are wonderful people for the things you do despite the challenges and struggles.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving!
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Supporting a loved one after a slip
Recently, Haydee has been conversion with a friend who is a former wife of an addict. This friend has had some questions relating to her healing. One of her questions was how can someone best support a loved one who is recovering from a pornography addiction when they have a slip? Haydee passed this question on to me, and I thought I would post my answer here.
The first thing I need to make clear is that each person is different. The answers for how to show support for me will not be the same as how to show support for someone else, but there may be some similarities and that is why I am posting this.
Just like each addict is different, each loved one is also different and will have their own needs and things they are comfortable with. If something that would be helpful to me would make Haydee uncomfortable, I don't expect her to do it. I'm just stating that it would be nice if that happened.
Another thing to understand is that no one can help me recover except for the Savior. Giving support to a loved one with an addiction is not the same thing as trying to "fix" them or make their issues go away.
Now that all of the caveats are out of the way, how can a loved one best support me when I have a slip?
First, don't try to belittle or punish me. Nothing you can say is going to make me feel worse than I already do, but it may trigger my fight or flight mechanism. This leaves me in a more vulnerable state as I have spent many years turning to pornography when that is triggered.
Second, let me know that you still love me. I need to see this in actions as well as words. For me to feel love, I need physical intimacy. This does not mean sexual intimacy, but a hug or a touch on the arm can do amazing things to help me feel that I am OK even if my behavior has been less than what I would desire.
Finally, let me know that you appreciate the efforts I have been making. This will help me to see the progress I have made. Sometimes when I slip, I fail to look back and see how far I have come. It is important for me to remember that the person I am today is not the person I was before. The difference is in the efforts I have made. Help me remember this when I am feeling down after a slip.
I also want to mention that these suggestions are for supporting someone who is actively working on recovery. Someone who is actively pursuing the addiction will probably take these as license to continue in the destructive behavior. In that situation, please do whatever you need to protect yourself and your family.
The first thing I need to make clear is that each person is different. The answers for how to show support for me will not be the same as how to show support for someone else, but there may be some similarities and that is why I am posting this.
Just like each addict is different, each loved one is also different and will have their own needs and things they are comfortable with. If something that would be helpful to me would make Haydee uncomfortable, I don't expect her to do it. I'm just stating that it would be nice if that happened.
Another thing to understand is that no one can help me recover except for the Savior. Giving support to a loved one with an addiction is not the same thing as trying to "fix" them or make their issues go away.
Now that all of the caveats are out of the way, how can a loved one best support me when I have a slip?
First, don't try to belittle or punish me. Nothing you can say is going to make me feel worse than I already do, but it may trigger my fight or flight mechanism. This leaves me in a more vulnerable state as I have spent many years turning to pornography when that is triggered.
Second, let me know that you still love me. I need to see this in actions as well as words. For me to feel love, I need physical intimacy. This does not mean sexual intimacy, but a hug or a touch on the arm can do amazing things to help me feel that I am OK even if my behavior has been less than what I would desire.
Finally, let me know that you appreciate the efforts I have been making. This will help me to see the progress I have made. Sometimes when I slip, I fail to look back and see how far I have come. It is important for me to remember that the person I am today is not the person I was before. The difference is in the efforts I have made. Help me remember this when I am feeling down after a slip.
I also want to mention that these suggestions are for supporting someone who is actively working on recovery. Someone who is actively pursuing the addiction will probably take these as license to continue in the destructive behavior. In that situation, please do whatever you need to protect yourself and your family.
Friday, November 14, 2014
Still Here and Still Working
It has been several months since I last posted. I just wanted to post a quick note to say that I am still here, and I am still working on my recovery. There are good days, and there are bad days. Thanks to the Lord, there are many more good days than bad.
I would like to share a thought from my recent scripture study. I have been studying in Isaiah. In Chapter 43, the Lord says to the House of Israel, "Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine." At this time, the Israelites have turned away from the Lord and are worshiping other gods. Still, the Lord calls them by name and calls them His. We have all turned away from the Lord in some way in our lives. I turned away from the Lord in a big way, but He still comforts me. I am still His. I have been redeemed by Him, and I have no need to fear.
You also have no need to fear. The Lord is there for you. He will help you and comfort you.
I would like to share a thought from my recent scripture study. I have been studying in Isaiah. In Chapter 43, the Lord says to the House of Israel, "Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine." At this time, the Israelites have turned away from the Lord and are worshiping other gods. Still, the Lord calls them by name and calls them His. We have all turned away from the Lord in some way in our lives. I turned away from the Lord in a big way, but He still comforts me. I am still His. I have been redeemed by Him, and I have no need to fear.
You also have no need to fear. The Lord is there for you. He will help you and comfort you.
Monday, November 10, 2014
All My Heart, Might, Mind And Strength
It has been a while since either Edmond or I have posted. Life has been good- and bad and all the things that life generally is. We have fantastic days and horrific days and busy days and lazy days. I haven't felt much inspiration for writing. Nothing until last week.
I was at a YW training meeting and the speaker was discussing the theme from this year and how it ties into next year's theme. In case you're not familiar with the themes here they are.
This year's focus was to come unto Christ and be perfected in him.
Another beautiful truth I found in these scriptures was the injunction to first "love God" then "serve him [God]" with all your heart, might, mind, and strength.
I tend to be a doer. My tongue in cheek motto is: If a task is worth doing it is worth over doing. Thus I tend to do (fill in the blank with primary, YW service, recipe creation, cleaning, exercise, or whatever my fancy is at the moment) with ALL my heart might mind and strength--sometimes to the detriment of other things in my life.
But the command is clear. We are to love and serve GOD only with all of our heart, might, mind, and strength (H.M.M.S.). There is no benefit to God when I serve the YW with all my H.M.M.S. to the detriment of my family. Interesting point for me to ponder on.
As the wife of an addict, this phrase gave me so much comfort too. Just as the Lord asks us to Trust Him-- and doesn't command me to trust anyone else, he asks me to give my H.M.M.S. to the most trustworthy and loving source of strength known to man or woman-- Himself.
The words of a primary song echo the feelings of my heart today.
I was at a YW training meeting and the speaker was discussing the theme from this year and how it ties into next year's theme. In case you're not familiar with the themes here they are.
This year's focus was to come unto Christ and be perfected in him.
In 2015 we will focus on serving:Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God.
--Moroni 10:32
We must come unto Christ and allow his atoning sacrifice to become real in our life before we will be able to serve and love as He did. This has been my focus recently. Recognizing when Christ's power and love has enabled me to do more and be more than I am or could ever hope to be on my own. I have seen those little moments, feeling calm when I would naturally want to yell; finding that my loooong to do list is done, and I still have time to relax before kids get home from school; the moment of peace as I stand in the sun and let its rays warm my skin and feel joy, peace, and love. All gifts of the Atonement in my life.Therefore, O ye that embark in the service of God, see that ye serve him with all your heart, might, mind and strength, that ye may stand blameless before God at the last day.
--D&C 4:2
Another beautiful truth I found in these scriptures was the injunction to first "love God" then "serve him [God]" with all your heart, might, mind, and strength.
I tend to be a doer. My tongue in cheek motto is: If a task is worth doing it is worth over doing. Thus I tend to do (fill in the blank with primary, YW service, recipe creation, cleaning, exercise, or whatever my fancy is at the moment) with ALL my heart might mind and strength--sometimes to the detriment of other things in my life.
But the command is clear. We are to love and serve GOD only with all of our heart, might, mind, and strength (H.M.M.S.). There is no benefit to God when I serve the YW with all my H.M.M.S. to the detriment of my family. Interesting point for me to ponder on.
As the wife of an addict, this phrase gave me so much comfort too. Just as the Lord asks us to Trust Him-- and doesn't command me to trust anyone else, he asks me to give my H.M.M.S. to the most trustworthy and loving source of strength known to man or woman-- Himself.
The words of a primary song echo the feelings of my heart today.
I know He lives!I will follow faithfully.My heart I give to Him.I know that my Savior loves me.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Feeling the Pain
I am a parent of kids, thus I hear complaints. Life is not fair. This is too hard. But I don't like this. I am constantly reminding my kids that discomfort is part of the process of life. Deal with it. Feel it. I modified this popular saying with my kids in mind:
Whiny kids really aren't that tough. But learning to feel, embrace and cope with feelings is something I am still learning. I have learned more about pain than I ever wanted to know. I have learned what pain feels like; and the extent to which I have worked to avoid feeling pain.
"Life is rough; life is tough;
then you grow up and get whiny kids of your own.
Then you die"
Whiny kids really aren't that tough. But learning to feel, embrace and cope with feelings is something I am still learning. I have learned more about pain than I ever wanted to know. I have learned what pain feels like; and the extent to which I have worked to avoid feeling pain.
Allow me this random, rambling story. It has a point, I promise. I have an awesome mom-- the type of mom that invited me to sit on her lap and rock in the rocking chair as I cried on her shoulder about classic teen tragadies. I sat on her lap when I came home from college and cried about missing my friends. I would cry; she would listen. Then we'd go to the kitchen for milk and cookies (I always took my cookies minus the milk, thank you.)
I grew up and moved away and the situtions changed, but the cookies stayed the same. Cookies help me feel better. Stress, anxiety, deep sorrow. Cookies, brownies, oh and ice cream fix it. That became my modus operandi. Emotions that were too big to feel, or maybe it was just that the feelings felt bigger than me, either way, I would ignore the feelings and hide in my sweets. I sought escape in something that could only mask the problem and make it bigger. (Sound familiar-- it is the same situation addicts find themselves in--porn, sugar whatever- escape is escape.)
I gave up sweets around Christmas time last year but I have watched and wondered and thought about my new escapes. Facebook. TV. Books. Facebook. Someone else's problems. I turn to these "friends" when I can't seem to deal with my own reality. It doesn't work. I can tell you that right now.
Allowing myself to feel pain has be a hard, but necessary part of my healing. The feelings of deep sorrow, sadness, hurt all wash over me. I am helpless, buffeted by a storm I did not seek. But in my deepest sorrows I have not been left alone. My Savior sends me comfort; He speaks peace to my heart. The waves come and go. Some waves feel strong enough to knock me off my feet. My Savior lets me feel that. At other times He calms the storm around me; a respite before heading back into the storm. I am grateful for a loving Savior who knows and feels my pain with me. He continues to lead me and help me.
I gave up sweets around Christmas time last year but I have watched and wondered and thought about my new escapes. Facebook. TV. Books. Facebook. Someone else's problems. I turn to these "friends" when I can't seem to deal with my own reality. It doesn't work. I can tell you that right now.
Allowing myself to feel pain has be a hard, but necessary part of my healing. The feelings of deep sorrow, sadness, hurt all wash over me. I am helpless, buffeted by a storm I did not seek. But in my deepest sorrows I have not been left alone. My Savior sends me comfort; He speaks peace to my heart. The waves come and go. Some waves feel strong enough to knock me off my feet. My Savior lets me feel that. At other times He calms the storm around me; a respite before heading back into the storm. I am grateful for a loving Savior who knows and feels my pain with me. He continues to lead me and help me.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Sister To Sister..
Recently I was asked by a friend to share with the sisters in her ward any tips for navagating the healing process when a loved one is addicted to pornography. Just sharing the letter I wrote, From one sister to another...
2. I have just as many issues as my spouse.. just not addiction issues. My path to healing and forgiveness was just as important as my spouses'. I needed the healing balm of our Savior's love just as much as he did. I need to rely on the Savior to guide my path just as much as my addict still does. Don't deny yourself the blessings the Lord has for you because you feel like your pain is less important than getting someone else well. Your loved one being free from sin won't be enough-- it won't heal your relationship-- if you haven't done work to make the atonement a real part of your life.
3. Even if things aren't fine, I can be fine. In the midst of turmoil and distress, my Savior's love can send peace to my heart. His love for me, and you, is infinite. As I tap into His love, I know that everything will work out, even when it seems like everything is falling to pieces. I can live righteously, raise a family in the gospel, and feel the power of the priesthood in my life through my reliance on the Savior no matter what anyone else chooses to do.
Dear Friend,
Last year I learned that my spouse had been dealing with a sex addiction most of the 16 years we have been married. This last year, as I have traversed the mountains of adversity, I have felt a sweeping range of emotions. Pain and loneliness. Hope and joy. Comfort and sorrow almost in the same breath. I wanted today to share a few things that have helped me on my journey.
1. I can only fix me-- Nothing I do or say can fix my spouse/loved one. He must choose to allow the Savior to heal him. I had to let go of the illusion that I am the center of the universe and that I have power to solve his problems if only I.... (fill in the blank). I can only work on me and my issues.2. I have just as many issues as my spouse.. just not addiction issues. My path to healing and forgiveness was just as important as my spouses'. I needed the healing balm of our Savior's love just as much as he did. I need to rely on the Savior to guide my path just as much as my addict still does. Don't deny yourself the blessings the Lord has for you because you feel like your pain is less important than getting someone else well. Your loved one being free from sin won't be enough-- it won't heal your relationship-- if you haven't done work to make the atonement a real part of your life.
I do not doubt God's love for me. I can not doubt God's love for my spouse. I feel His love and His peace as He teaches me what forgiveness looks like and how charity suffereth long. I feel joy in the knowledge of Christ's perfect love. His love has cast out all my fear, pain and sorrow.
May Christ's love lift and strengthen you and your loved ones too.
Your sister,
Haydee
Monday, April 28, 2014
His Grace is Sufficient
I am continually amazed by the love my Savior has for me. No matter how often I fall, He is always there to help me back up and remind me of His love for me.
Over the past few days, I have had a desire to work on increasing my faith. This has involved studying Ether chapter 12 in order to understand more about faith. I have gained some valuable insights I have been studying. What I learned this morning, was not directly related to faith, but it was a powerful lesson for me.
Today I read verse 26:
I started with the word meek. I didn't find any surprises, but the definition of "humbly patient" was a good reminder to me of the necessity for me to practice waiting on the Lord.
Next, I looked up the word sufficient. The first listed definition was exactly what I expected "adequate for the purpose; enough." The second definition is what really struck me "(of a condition) such that its existence leads to the occurrence of a given event or the existence of a given thing." This is amazing to me. The mere existence of the Lord's grace leads to eternal life for those who are humbly patient.
I often get caught up in Nephi's phrase "we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do" (2 Nephi 25:23). I look at this verse and think I have to be perfect and then Christ's Atonement will make up for the mistakes I made along the way to becoming perfect. That just isn't true. His grace is sufficient. My responsibility is to turn my life over to the Lord and wait on Him with humble patience.
I will never reach this goal of complete reliance on the Lord in this life, but that is ok. HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT!!!
Over the past few days, I have had a desire to work on increasing my faith. This has involved studying Ether chapter 12 in order to understand more about faith. I have gained some valuable insights I have been studying. What I learned this morning, was not directly related to faith, but it was a powerful lesson for me.
Today I read verse 26:
And when I had said this, the Lord spake unto me, saying: Fools mock, but they shall mourn; and my grace is sufficient for the meek, that they shall take no advantage of your weakness; (Ether 12:26, italics added)The phrase "my grace is sufficient for the meek" really stood out to me this morning. I pondered this phrase for a few minutes. Then, I felt a desire to look up the definitions of a couple of words to see if I could gain any deeper insight.
I started with the word meek. I didn't find any surprises, but the definition of "humbly patient" was a good reminder to me of the necessity for me to practice waiting on the Lord.
Next, I looked up the word sufficient. The first listed definition was exactly what I expected "adequate for the purpose; enough." The second definition is what really struck me "(of a condition) such that its existence leads to the occurrence of a given event or the existence of a given thing." This is amazing to me. The mere existence of the Lord's grace leads to eternal life for those who are humbly patient.
I often get caught up in Nephi's phrase "we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do" (2 Nephi 25:23). I look at this verse and think I have to be perfect and then Christ's Atonement will make up for the mistakes I made along the way to becoming perfect. That just isn't true. His grace is sufficient. My responsibility is to turn my life over to the Lord and wait on Him with humble patience.
I will never reach this goal of complete reliance on the Lord in this life, but that is ok. HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT!!!
Friday, April 25, 2014
The Blank Page
It's been a while since I wrote anything. The past 2 months have been difficult for me. I've had several slips over that time. At times I've wondered if I would ever get to a point where I am so immersed in recovery that every temptation or trigger would be seen for exactly what it is.
I find it easy to get down on myself whenever I make a mistake. I have a tendency to look back to the mistakes I have made in the past and think that I can never overcome them. The truth is I can 't overcome them on my own, but I do have the ultimate support system. I have a Savior who loves me and is deeply concerned with my individual welfare.
This point was brought to me again this morning. As I was preparing to do my daily planning sheet, I thought about all of the sheets I have filled out over the last months and how I still slipped. I noticed that my daily planning sheet was empty; a blank page. The thought came clearly to my mind that my life was like that. Each day is a blank page. I get to choose today to be who I want to be. Who I am today is not determined by what I did yesterday. I know I've written about this concept before, but evidently I still need to learn this lesson.
I know I can make it through today. That is all that matters. Tomorrow my page will be blank again.
I find it easy to get down on myself whenever I make a mistake. I have a tendency to look back to the mistakes I have made in the past and think that I can never overcome them. The truth is I can 't overcome them on my own, but I do have the ultimate support system. I have a Savior who loves me and is deeply concerned with my individual welfare.
This point was brought to me again this morning. As I was preparing to do my daily planning sheet, I thought about all of the sheets I have filled out over the last months and how I still slipped. I noticed that my daily planning sheet was empty; a blank page. The thought came clearly to my mind that my life was like that. Each day is a blank page. I get to choose today to be who I want to be. Who I am today is not determined by what I did yesterday. I know I've written about this concept before, but evidently I still need to learn this lesson.
I know I can make it through today. That is all that matters. Tomorrow my page will be blank again.
Friday, March 28, 2014
Coming To Trust
I found a profoundly interesting scripture the other day. I had been looking up scriptures about trusting the Lord, something I am continually working on, and found one in an unexpected area.
You know the story as well as I do. Ruth and Naomi. Ruth leaves her homeland to accompany Naomi into the land of Israel so that, "thy people shall be my people and thy God my God." Ruth supports the two women by gleaning in the fields of Boaz. After learning her history, Boaz treats Ruth kindly, extending the offer to drink and eat with his workers, and even to harvest among them. Ruth questions his generosity and Boaz responded with words of commendation. (This is even before Ruth asks for his hand in marriage...)
I love the imagery of that blessing, "under whose wings thou art come to trust." Each leap of faith, each hardship endured, each prayer for guidance is a step leading us to full and complete trust in the Lord. Trust is a process. Each day our trust in the Lord can grow as we walk in His ways.
I love Nephi's lament-- have you heard it called that before? Nephi is stressed out because he and his followers have to abandon their land and property to flee from Laman and Lemuel; his parents are dead. Nephi lists his issues, struggles and problems then defers to the Lord:
The more I look, the more I see this pattern. List of all my problems; testimony of the blessings the Lord has poured out to those who trust him. Paul recounts the blessing and miracles received when people trusted and had faith in God (Hebrews 11). Alma testifies to his son Helaman of his personal witness of the Lord's miraculous hand in healing his heart and leading him in the path of apostleship as he learned to trust the Lord (Alma 36-- I love verses 3 and 27).
Maybe I need to write my own account. Here have been my problems and here is how the Lord has delivered me as I put my trust in Him. I'm still coming to trust in His ability to deliver me, but even in that process of coming, I am learning, becoming, and growing. His wings protect and cover me in my storms and guide me to the highest mountain peaks. I shall trust in Him forever.
You know the story as well as I do. Ruth and Naomi. Ruth leaves her homeland to accompany Naomi into the land of Israel so that, "thy people shall be my people and thy God my God." Ruth supports the two women by gleaning in the fields of Boaz. After learning her history, Boaz treats Ruth kindly, extending the offer to drink and eat with his workers, and even to harvest among them. Ruth questions his generosity and Boaz responded with words of commendation. (This is even before Ruth asks for his hand in marriage...)
The Lord recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the Lord God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust. (Ruth 2:12)
I love the imagery of that blessing, "under whose wings thou art come to trust." Each leap of faith, each hardship endured, each prayer for guidance is a step leading us to full and complete trust in the Lord. Trust is a process. Each day our trust in the Lord can grow as we walk in His ways.
I love Nephi's lament-- have you heard it called that before? Nephi is stressed out because he and his followers have to abandon their land and property to flee from Laman and Lemuel; his parents are dead. Nephi lists his issues, struggles and problems then defers to the Lord:
I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support; he hath led me though mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep. He hath filled me with his love....
Oh Lord, I have trusted in thee and I shall trust in thee forever.
(2Nephi 4:19-21,34)
The more I look, the more I see this pattern. List of all my problems; testimony of the blessings the Lord has poured out to those who trust him. Paul recounts the blessing and miracles received when people trusted and had faith in God (Hebrews 11). Alma testifies to his son Helaman of his personal witness of the Lord's miraculous hand in healing his heart and leading him in the path of apostleship as he learned to trust the Lord (Alma 36-- I love verses 3 and 27).
Maybe I need to write my own account. Here have been my problems and here is how the Lord has delivered me as I put my trust in Him. I'm still coming to trust in His ability to deliver me, but even in that process of coming, I am learning, becoming, and growing. His wings protect and cover me in my storms and guide me to the highest mountain peaks. I shall trust in Him forever.
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