Supporting a loved one after a slip

Recently, Haydee has been conversion with a friend who is a former wife of an addict. This friend has had some questions relating to her healing. One of her questions was how can someone best support a loved one who is recovering from a pornography addiction when they have a slip? Haydee passed this question on to me, and I thought I would post my answer here.

The first thing I need to make clear is that each person is different. The answers for how to show support for me will not be the same as how to show support for someone else, but there may be some similarities and that is why I am posting this.

Just like each addict is different, each loved one is also different and will have their own needs and things they are comfortable with. If something that would be helpful to me would make Haydee uncomfortable, I don't expect her to do it. I'm just stating that it would be nice if that happened.

Another thing to understand is that no one can help me recover except for the Savior. Giving support to a loved one with an addiction is not the same thing as trying to "fix" them or make their issues go away.

Now that all of the caveats are out of the way, how can a loved one best support me when I have a slip?

First, don't try to belittle or punish me. Nothing you can say is going to make me feel worse than I already do, but it may trigger my fight or flight mechanism. This leaves me in a more vulnerable state as I have spent many years turning to pornography when that is triggered.

Second, let me know that you still love me. I need to see this in actions as well as words. For me to feel love, I need physical intimacy. This does not mean sexual intimacy, but a hug or a touch on the arm can do amazing things to help me feel that I am OK even if my behavior has been less than what I would desire.

Finally, let me know that you appreciate the efforts I have been making. This will help me to see the progress I have made. Sometimes when I slip, I fail to look back and see how far I have come. It is important for me to remember that the person I am today is not the person I was before. The difference is in the efforts I have made. Help me remember this when I am feeling down after a slip.

I also want to mention that these suggestions are for supporting someone who is actively working on recovery. Someone who is actively pursuing the addiction will probably take these as license to continue in the destructive behavior. In that situation, please do whatever you need to protect yourself and your family.

Trust in the Lord

One thing I struggle with is allowing others to help me. I am naturally a person who likes to do things myself. This trait was reinforced as I was growing up because I never really had anyone I could turn to for help when I needed it. My family was constantly moving. We were never in one place long enough to develop any kind of relationship with teachers or church leaders. I never even felt like I could go to my parents for help.

One of the tragic consequences of this mindset is that I also never learned to turn to the Lord for help when I needed it. I always felt like I had to do everything on my own.

As part of my recovery, I am trying to learn how to rely more on the Lord (I say trying because I'm not sure it's fully sinking in yet). I have had this on my mind over the past few days. As I have been thinking about it, a couple of scriptures have come to mind.

The first is the response of the people of King Benjamin to his teachings:

And they all cried with one voice, saying: Yea, we believe all the words which thou hast spoken unto us; and also, we know of their surety and truth, because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually. (Mosiah 5:2)

 The people of King Benjamin did not change their hearts. It was the Spirit of the Lord which did the changing. The people had to allow the Holy Ghost to work in their hearts for this change to take place. They could not do it for themselves.

The second scripture that has come to mind is the account of Christ in Gethsemane as recorded by Luke:

41 And he was withdrawn from them about a stone’s cast, and kneeled down, and prayed,

 42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.

 43 And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him. (Luke 22:41-43)

Even Christ needed a little extra strength and encouragement. If He could not do it completely on His own, what makes me think that I can do anything on my own.

The reality is that I can't do it on my own. I need the strength of my Lord and Savior. He is the one I must put my trust in. I cannot trust in myself.