I'll be honest. Summer kicks my trash. Being a mom during the summer is harder for me than running a marathon (and that is not my idea of fun)! Most days I wanted to yell at my kids, "YOU THREW OFF MY GROOVE!" and have them thrown out the window.
Summer full-time mom-ing throws into stark relief ALL my parenting/personality foibles. The seemingly opposite desires to control those around me and keep everyone happy; to work hard and relax deeply; to keep the house tidy (at all times) and play freely; to sing joyfully amid complete silence.
As the summer progressed I found myself, struggling to balance life, the demands of my children, the chaos of happy (and sometimes not so happy) play, and the managing of a household. When I couldn't do it all, I began escaping into books, sneaking food to my room, eating with a closed door so nobody would ask, "Why can't I have cookies at 8 am? I found myself thinking, I can't do it; I'm just going to ride out the storm.
Fast forward to today. I have started running with a good friend who is getting into shape and has little running experience (AND she is joining the Army-- how cool is that!). As we were running this morning I was explaining the difference between pushing through a run and relaxing into the run. Powering through will get you to the finish line if you're close, but the goal is to relax and let your body do the work. Your will can not overcome the workload-- it is irrelevant in running. More energy is expended when power through something, than when you relax into it. Surrender to the run-- or what ever workout you're doing and life will be fantastic.
Great concept right. I've taught this concept many times; I've blogged about it before; I know this! Maybe not. Today I realized that I have been trying to Power Through my summer. When the power method fails, I give up and escape into a my world of books/food/facebook/???. My will does not need to be imposed, and I don't need to retreat. I just need to surrender to life. Allow my feelings to be real. And run on.
Friday, August 30, 2013
Monday, August 19, 2013
Changing My Heart
I have had a hard time coming up with something to write for the past few weeks. Things have been going steady in my recovery, and I wasn't quite sure what the next step would be for me. For the last couple of weeks, I have had impressions from the Spirit guiding me to what the next step in my recovery should be, but I wasn't quite ready to take that step. Yesterday, I think the Lord realized that I wasn't quite getting it so He had to kind of beat me over the head with it (I am an incredibly stubborn person).
For the past few weeks, I have been feeling that I needed to start letting others into my heart. Due to things that happened as I was growing up, I closed off my heart to others. In fact, I built great barriers to my heart that only 5 people on this earth have been able to penetrate. Those people are my wife and children. I can honestly say that I have not even let my parents or siblings into my heart.
So anyway, I have been getting these impressions from time to time over the past few weeks, but I kept telling myself I was not ready to deal with the issues that caused me to close my heart in the first place. Yesterday, the Lord gently but firmly let me know that it is time.
During my scripture study in the morning, I found a cross-reference to this verse:
Later, while I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting, there was a talk about charity. While I was listening, this talk by Elder C. Max Caldwell that I read several years ago came back to my mind. In the talk, Elder Caldwell talks about what is meant by the "love of Christ." He lists three ways this phrase may be looked at:
For the past few weeks, I have been feeling that I needed to start letting others into my heart. Due to things that happened as I was growing up, I closed off my heart to others. In fact, I built great barriers to my heart that only 5 people on this earth have been able to penetrate. Those people are my wife and children. I can honestly say that I have not even let my parents or siblings into my heart.
So anyway, I have been getting these impressions from time to time over the past few weeks, but I kept telling myself I was not ready to deal with the issues that caused me to close my heart in the first place. Yesterday, the Lord gently but firmly let me know that it is time.
During my scripture study in the morning, I found a cross-reference to this verse:
A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh. (Ezekiel 36:26)It was clear to me that, through the Atonement, Christ is prepared to give me a new heart. He is just waiting for me. This was another nudge telling me that it is time and I need to move forward.
Later, while I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting, there was a talk about charity. While I was listening, this talk by Elder C. Max Caldwell that I read several years ago came back to my mind. In the talk, Elder Caldwell talks about what is meant by the "love of Christ." He lists three ways this phrase may be looked at:
- Love for Christ
- Love from Christ
- Love like Christ
I am beginning to understand that I have felt love for Christ and love from Christ, but I have never felt love like Christ. It is now clear to me that the next step in my recovery is to develop this love for others that is lacking in my life.
I know this is going to be incredibly difficult for me, and I am a little scared (and by a little scared I mean I am completely terrified) of what this process will require from me, but I also know that, with the help of my Savior, I will be able to give up my stony heart and receive the heart of flesh that has been prepared for me.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Trial of My Faith
And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith. (Ether 12:6)I have always misunderstood the concept of a trial of my faith. I always thought of a trial of my faith as some great event that I would need to struggle through and rely on the Lord, and eventually He would help me through it. For a long time, I thought my addiction was that trial of my faith. I didn't understand that it was an addiction. I believed I didn't have enough faith because the Lord did not help me overcome my temptations.
Now, I realize that the Lord does help me overcome my temptations, but not in the way I expected. I always expected that these things would no longer be a temptation for me. Instead, the Lord helps me to overcome them by not giving in. I still have the temptations, but I don't act on them.
In my previous post, I talked about being able to walk away from temptation. I am able to do this right now with help from the Lord. I prepare myself each day to receive His help by doing my morning routine of scripture study, meditation, and daily planning.
The question is, "What does this have to do with faith?". I have come to realize that the trial of my faith is not to wait for the Lord to take my temptations away from me. The trial of my faith is to consistently do the little things each day that allow me to call upon Him for strength when I need it.
This has been a huge paradigm shift for me to realize that a trial of my faith is not about making it through some huge experience. Rather, the trial of my faith is to get up 45 minutes earlier each day so I can do the things I have been asked to do in order to be able to walk on the road of recovery.
The witness I receive after the daily trial of my faith is to be able to make it through one more day in active recovery. This cycle of trying my faith each day and receiving a witness of its power each day has grown into an even greater witness to me. I can now see the hand of the Lord in my life each day. With that comes and even greater faith and desire to do the things He has asked of me because I now know that He will help me to be able to do them.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Walking Away from Temptaion
I have struggled for a long time with how to deal with temptations (or triggers, or whatever you want to call them). All my life I have heard terms like "resist temptation" or "flee from evil". I always took this to mean I needed to fight against my temptations. I would try to ignore the temptation. I would sing a hymn. I would read my scriptures. I would do all of these things to fight against the temptation, but I always lost. Fighting the addiction would always lead to me eventually giving in. This would leave me with feelings of worthlessness because I was not strong enough to overcome.
I would read scriptures like 1 Cor 10:13 and think "maybe this doesn't apply to me, maybe it is just for the normal people". Like most addicts, I thought I was different. I thought I was so vile that I was beyond the reach of the Atonement.
I was completely wrong. I am NOT beyond the reach of the Atonement. I am a son of God. Jesus Christ is MY Savior and Redeemer. He is MY brother, and He went through everything to do with the Atonement for ME. It has taken me a long time to understand that if no one else ever lived on the earth, Christ would still carry out the Atonement just for me.
I was also wrong about how to deal with temptations. It always seemed like my options were to fight the temptation until I gave in to it, or to just give in immediately and get it over with. This isn't true. There is a third option for me. That option is to not do anything with a temptation. It sounds a little crazy when you first think about it, but it has all of the power for me.
Think of it like a boxing ring. A temptation comes and puts me in the ring with a champion heavyweight boxer (my addict). I could just stand there and take my beating (just giving in), or I could try to fight him and still take my beating. The third option is to just get out of the ring and walk away. To not do anything is not to ignore my temptation or addiction, I am still perfectly aware it is there. It is also not to try to actively fight against it. I can just acknowledge its existence and then go on with whatever I was already doing.
The incredible thing is this works for more than just the temptation view pornography or masturbate. It also works with the feelings of guilt and shame that have been coming the longer I get into sobriety and recovery. Recently, I have caught myself feeling frustrated if I even encounter a trigger. I would think "I should be beyond this. Why am I still having thoughts like this." I've come to realize these criticizing thoughts are just another way for my addict to get me back into the ring. I don't want to get back in the ring, so I just need to let these thoughts go as if they were actual thoughts to indulge in my addiction because this is what they really are.
My addiction has no more power over me as long as I continue to walk away from the ring.
I would read scriptures like 1 Cor 10:13 and think "maybe this doesn't apply to me, maybe it is just for the normal people". Like most addicts, I thought I was different. I thought I was so vile that I was beyond the reach of the Atonement.
I was completely wrong. I am NOT beyond the reach of the Atonement. I am a son of God. Jesus Christ is MY Savior and Redeemer. He is MY brother, and He went through everything to do with the Atonement for ME. It has taken me a long time to understand that if no one else ever lived on the earth, Christ would still carry out the Atonement just for me.
I was also wrong about how to deal with temptations. It always seemed like my options were to fight the temptation until I gave in to it, or to just give in immediately and get it over with. This isn't true. There is a third option for me. That option is to not do anything with a temptation. It sounds a little crazy when you first think about it, but it has all of the power for me.
Think of it like a boxing ring. A temptation comes and puts me in the ring with a champion heavyweight boxer (my addict). I could just stand there and take my beating (just giving in), or I could try to fight him and still take my beating. The third option is to just get out of the ring and walk away. To not do anything is not to ignore my temptation or addiction, I am still perfectly aware it is there. It is also not to try to actively fight against it. I can just acknowledge its existence and then go on with whatever I was already doing.
The incredible thing is this works for more than just the temptation view pornography or masturbate. It also works with the feelings of guilt and shame that have been coming the longer I get into sobriety and recovery. Recently, I have caught myself feeling frustrated if I even encounter a trigger. I would think "I should be beyond this. Why am I still having thoughts like this." I've come to realize these criticizing thoughts are just another way for my addict to get me back into the ring. I don't want to get back in the ring, so I just need to let these thoughts go as if they were actual thoughts to indulge in my addiction because this is what they really are.
My addiction has no more power over me as long as I continue to walk away from the ring.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Blooming in Rocky Places
 |
| Water trickling down the mountain |
This tree grows off the face of the mountain. It's sprawling roots
cover the trail and are abused by hikers. I love the bend of the tree as it reaches
its way to the sun.
This little white flower grows along the trail.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Choosing to Be Haydee
Are you familiar with the Count Of Monte Cristo's female characters? Haydee, Mercedes, and Valentine. Each woman faced unthinkable hardship and heart break. As I reread Monte Cristo recently, I thought about how each woman fared with the challenges she faced and finally understood why Edmond calls me his Haydee.
Mercedes grew up in a poor fisherman's village. She was hours from her marriage when her fiance was arrested on spurious charges and whisked away. She never was told if he was dead or rotting away in some prison. A year later, she married her good friend Fernand, who amassed a fortune while serving in the army. The fortune allowed them to live the high life in Parisian society.
When Mercedes learned the fraud surrounding her husband's fortune, she and her grown son abandoned their Parisian life, home and husband/father to build their own future. Mercedes was without hope and extremely depressed. Resignation and despair clouded all her visions of the future. She accepted the charity of Edmond and lived a solitary and sad life.
We meet Valentine as a teen betrothed to a man she doesn't love (and who doesn't love her in return). She secretly loved a decorated military officer her family had never met. Her only friend and confidant was her paraplegic and mute grandfather. When tragedy struck her family and her unwanted marriage is expedited she choose to trust her grandfather and followed his directions in faith.
As Valentine's world continued to crumble around her, she learned to see what is real, to recognize the true threats to her safety and through her trust in Higher Powers was able to be united with her love. While she mourned for tragedy and hurt that surrounded her family, she found joy in the miracles she experienced.
As a young child, Haydee experienced unimaginable pain. She witnessed the betrayal of her father and the mass slaughter of all her loved ones. She was sold into slavery by one who professed to be her friend and protector.
Haydee was purchased by a wealthy man who planned to use her as leverage against his enemies. He treated her like a queen, but his heart was cold and removed. Haydee quietly observed him, relished his presence and saw all the good he did do. Haydee learned to love this man for who he really was. When all he could see was his faults, the injuries he had caused others, his obsession with vengeance; when all his future was beak with the hatred he had filled his heart with-- even in that moment Haydee saw his goodness. And LOVED HIM. Haydee lived in hope and love she found peace and a happily ever after life.
Our stories are filled with heartache and pain. HOW we choose to live will determine our future. You may be a Valentine or a Haydee or a Mary or a Martha. You may even feel like a Mercedes some days. We can live in sorrow and be resigned to life and pain. We can also live in faith and be joyful.
Today I choose to live like Haydee. With love and trust.
Mercedes grew up in a poor fisherman's village. She was hours from her marriage when her fiance was arrested on spurious charges and whisked away. She never was told if he was dead or rotting away in some prison. A year later, she married her good friend Fernand, who amassed a fortune while serving in the army. The fortune allowed them to live the high life in Parisian society.
When Mercedes learned the fraud surrounding her husband's fortune, she and her grown son abandoned their Parisian life, home and husband/father to build their own future. Mercedes was without hope and extremely depressed. Resignation and despair clouded all her visions of the future. She accepted the charity of Edmond and lived a solitary and sad life.
We meet Valentine as a teen betrothed to a man she doesn't love (and who doesn't love her in return). She secretly loved a decorated military officer her family had never met. Her only friend and confidant was her paraplegic and mute grandfather. When tragedy struck her family and her unwanted marriage is expedited she choose to trust her grandfather and followed his directions in faith.
As Valentine's world continued to crumble around her, she learned to see what is real, to recognize the true threats to her safety and through her trust in Higher Powers was able to be united with her love. While she mourned for tragedy and hurt that surrounded her family, she found joy in the miracles she experienced.
As a young child, Haydee experienced unimaginable pain. She witnessed the betrayal of her father and the mass slaughter of all her loved ones. She was sold into slavery by one who professed to be her friend and protector.
Haydee was purchased by a wealthy man who planned to use her as leverage against his enemies. He treated her like a queen, but his heart was cold and removed. Haydee quietly observed him, relished his presence and saw all the good he did do. Haydee learned to love this man for who he really was. When all he could see was his faults, the injuries he had caused others, his obsession with vengeance; when all his future was beak with the hatred he had filled his heart with-- even in that moment Haydee saw his goodness. And LOVED HIM. Haydee lived in hope and love she found peace and a happily ever after life.
Our stories are filled with heartache and pain. HOW we choose to live will determine our future. You may be a Valentine or a Haydee or a Mary or a Martha. You may even feel like a Mercedes some days. We can live in sorrow and be resigned to life and pain. We can also live in faith and be joyful.
Today I choose to live like Haydee. With love and trust.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Happy Thoughts
I am excited today to steal a moment away from the mayhem of summer break. Kids are quietly watching a movie and the computer is unoccupied. IT'S A MIRACLE!!!
I was reading Romans 5 the other day and I LOVED it.
I have spent much of my life seeking peace. Wanting peace. Not just quiet cooperation among the kids, but the peace that calms the soul. Through Jesus Christ, through our faith in Him, we can commune with our Father and feel His peace and rejoice in the hope of that rest with our Father.
Knowing, understanding, embracing this process-- problems, patience, experience, hope, LOVE-- allows me to relax and let life happen.
Off to play with the little ones.
I was reading Romans 5 the other day and I LOVED it.
Being justified by faith,
we have peace with God
through our Lord Jesus Christ...
and rejoice in hope
of the glory of God.
--Romans 5:1-2
I have spent much of my life seeking peace. Wanting peace. Not just quiet cooperation among the kids, but the peace that calms the soul. Through Jesus Christ, through our faith in Him, we can commune with our Father and feel His peace and rejoice in the hope of that rest with our Father.
We glory in tribulation also;
knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
And patience, experience;
and experience hope;
And hope maketh not ashamed;
because the love of God
is shed abroad in our hearts by
the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.
--Romans 5:3-5
Knowing, understanding, embracing this process-- problems, patience, experience, hope, LOVE-- allows me to relax and let life happen.
Off to play with the little ones.
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