I thought I was doing ok. I thought I was cruising and loving life. Then I went to Relief Society. Let me explain. I've been working in the nursery or in primary or Young Womens for years-- I don't get to go Relief Society too often. And I don't always miss it.
Recently is was my week to go to Relief Society instead of helping in the nursery. I'll admit, I wasn't thrilled to begin with. (I love singing, dancing, playing, teaching and LOVING the beautiful children in our nursery-- it is a happy, joyous, beautiful place.) So my attitude wasn't in the perfect place, but I was where I was supposed to be. At church, in Releif Society.
Our teacher taught about the need to love God more than the world. She shared an anectdote about how she had learned recently that her love of decorating her house had kept her from loving God fully. My heart burned; is this really what we believe loving the world is. Loving decorating or fashion?
But my heart hurt. My soul ached. I wanted to scream out to the room. YOU HAVE NO CLUE!!! Loving the world is believing and living the lies Satan teaches. The lie that wealth is the end all and be all power. That power is all you need to be happy. That selfishness is the key to lasing happiness. That our happiness and our identity is defined by our sexual relationships. That orgasm makes everything better. That the female body is an instrument of power through her sexuality. That life is better when sex is better.
I hurt because I felt no one in the room could feel my pain or see the real elephants in the room-- the real issues we as women, mothers and grandmothers face. Living in a world full of lies that prostitute the beauty of human life and sexuality. Trying to teach our families to live in love when the world teaches us to live a life of self interest. Centering our family activities on the Lord instead of entertainment.
The teacher didn't take comments so I held my breath and walked out after the lesson with a false smile and went to home to my bed and cried.
I realize now that I am still healing. My experience with sexual addiction colors and taints my world. (I have learned that the majority of the men I know have struggled with sex addictions-- all 5 of my brothers , a brother in law, father in law, a grandfather and my spouse-- and those are just the men I know about.) No wonder I feel that sex addiction, healing, and learning is a HUGE concern. No wonder I want to teach and learn and practice selfless love. No wonder I want to share and teach and embrace the joy of repentance.
Today I will embrace and love myself-- forgive myself for being so negative about Relief Society-- and give myself some time to feel, to hurt, to mourn and to return to loving.
I had a fellow recovering addict ask me once if I ever felt I didn't belong in Relief Society. That everyone was perfect and I wasn't. I think I did once, but now that I'm in recovery, I look at each of my fellow sisters and wonder what secret, deep dark trials they are going through. The children that have gone astray, the husbands with an addiction, themselves with an addiction, the health problems, the cancer scares. We have no idea what the other person is going through and I am sad that some women in the church feel they have to be seen as perfect. That struggles and trials cannot be too severe. That we can talk about the pioneer women losing family members, but not about the loss we feel daily in our struggles with the world.
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