Like Drift Wood

I grew up near the water front and as a child loved to play on the beaches of the Pacific Northwest.  The water was always frigid even on the warmest July days.  But the warmth of the sun balanced the cool wetness of the rocky beach.  I spent hours exploring the woods near the water, jumping, running, laughing.  My brothers and I would pick up drift wood sticks, washed white and smooth by the pounding of the waves and sand alternating with the baking heat of the sun.  These sticks were pirate knives and we were ready to fight to protect our beach head from invaders from the sea.  At day's end as the sky was darkening and night cast shadows, we would leave our booty behind, retreating to the light and warmth of our home.


I keep thinking of that smooth wood.  The beating it took over the years that turned it from a rough bark encrusted piece of wood into a smooth almost polished beauty.  I am sure the sand, and the wind, and the rain and the sun were not comfortable to that humble piece of wood.  Soaking and wet then baking dryness; lashing winds and salt eroding away at its surface.  But a work of beauty and calm lies underneath waiting to be exposed.

Today I feel like that beat up piece of wood- not so patiently waiting for the sun and sand and wind to let up.  Crawling knee deep in the muck, the seaweed and stink.  Wanting it all to go away, but knowing that all this is necessary for me to be what I want -- that smooth and beautiful piece of driftwood--

Remembering today that healing takes time.

Wise Words

I have been reading C.S. Lewis' book, Mere Christianity recently and came across a beautiful passage I wanted to share.  I felt inspired by Lewis' words penned more than 60 years ago.  Hoping this brings you or a loved one peace today.

We may, indeed, be sure that perfect chastity- like perfect charity- will not be attained by merely human efforts.  You must ask for God's help.  Even when you have done so, it may seem to you for a long time that no help, or less help than you need is being given.  Never mind,  After each failure, ask forgiveness, pick yourself up, and try again.  Every often what God first helps us towards is not the virtue itself but just this power of always trying again.  For however important chastity (or courage, or truthfulness or any other virtue) may be, this process trains us in habits of the soul, which are more important still.  It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God.  We learn, on the one hand, that we cannot trust ourselves even in our best moments, and on the other, that we need not despair even in our worst, for our failures are forgiven.  The only fatal thing is to sit down content with anything less than perfection.

Mere Christianity, Chapter 5

Sharing the Journey

Journey to Elizabeth's, by Rose Datoc Dall, portrays the virgin Mary journeying with determination to visit her cousin Elizabeth.  These women were drawn together and shared a unique burden.  Both would mother men destined for greatness; both births were miraculous; both mothers would mourn the loss of their sons.  Both women were chosen vessels of the lord.  Beautiful wonderful women-- with intense, heavy burdens to carry.  Each needed the strength of the other to be able to fulfill their tasks.

I love the peaceful determination depicted on Mary's face.  She is walking confidently despite the uncertainty in her life-- would Joseph still marry me?  What will my life be like now?  No doubt Mary's burden was a substantial one to carry.  Yet she walked forward, seeking solace and comfort from one who could understand.  She faced her journey and shared it with a friend.

A dear friend gifted me this beautiful piece of artwork for Christmas.  She has been a friend and confidant as I have journeyed toward healing.  A journey and a friendship that began long before Edmond confided his addiction. This dear friend has loved me and listened to me for years.

She carries a burden too.  Hurt and pain that penetrate the soul.  That's what I am learning.  We all carry unimaginable hurt and grief and process it in our own ways.  But the beauty of life is in the journey we share with each other.  A journey where we move toward peace, together.

A Work in Progress

My sister has a quilting blog and on Wednesdays she posts her WIPs- work in progress projects.  I love the idea of it.  Put it out in the open that even a highly accomplished tradeswoman has a pile of personal projects that are still in progress.  Still working on them-- slowly but surely.  Some stay at the bottom of the pile longer than others (she revealed one week a project that she has been working on for several years)  There are days that she is just not interested in delving into that mess or something else is urgent.  Projects get re-prioritized every day.

The longer I've been at this "recovery" business the more I realize that I have a list of  "WIP"s that get a little attention here and there as I have time.  Sometimes urgent matters take me away from the deep healing and mess at the bottom of the pile.  Sometimes I have plenty of time, but no emotional energy.  So I plug away at what I can and recognize that I may just always have a WIP pile and that is ok.  Some days I know it is time to process and then I work on it.  Healing and hope always come.

Are you dying to know my WIPs.  Some of them I hope to address in the New Year-- thus keeping me accountable for actually getting work done!  Some of them are just daily keeping me healthy things.

Dealing with Doubt- how to react when those icky, nagging, doubts rush into my mind.
Actively Working on Relationships vs just being in a passive, habitual roommate relationship
Remembering Who I am and Whose I am- the key motivator in my day (at least I want it to be)
Seeing the Beauty of Life
Learning to Love

I'll keep working on these things and frankly, just keeping up with life.  I am a work in progress- and that's ok.

Addiction is Hell

This is something that has been in the back of my mind for several months. Addiction is hell for everyone who is touched by it. Those who are in the addiction are suffering physical, emotional, mental and spiritual trauma that cannot be understood until you start to try to find a way out. The loved ones of those in addiction suffer trauma in the same areas. They have experienced and do experience pain and heartache that I can't even begin to imagine.

As humans, we all want to feel like we are in control of our lives. Addiction brings our lives completely out of control. When we are in this state, we sometimes like to point out the faults in others to help us feel better about ourselves. I see it sometimes in the comments on the addiction recovery blogs. "I don't think it's appropriate for ..." "You should have ..." "You shouldn't ...". I'm sure I have done this myself, but I'm starting to realize that everyone affected by addiction needs support and encouragement more than critiques of their choices or circumstances.

With that being said, I would like to use the rest of this post to offer what I hope to be words of support and appreciation.

To those who have been fighting addiction for a long time and have now achieved great periods of sobriety, I say thank you for your example of what is possible. I know it is not easy and takes a consistent day-by-day effort, but because of your example, I know it is possible for me to achieve a level of awareness that will allow me to manage my thoughts and actions in way that will help become the person I was meant to be.

To those who are in the midst of the struggle, I admire you for picking yourselves back up every time you fall. It is not easy to admit when we have made mistakes, but you are willing to do that and then get back to work to make sure it doesn't happen again. You inspire me to want to continue on when I feel like all hope is lost and I can't go on.

To the wives of addicts, I admire your ability to love someone even when they have and continue to hurt you tremendously. I am working to develop this attribute for myself. I am also amazed at your determination to do what you believe is right even when you don't see how it is all going to work out.

I think you all are wonderful people for the things you do despite the challenges and struggles.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Supporting a loved one after a slip

Recently, Haydee has been conversion with a friend who is a former wife of an addict. This friend has had some questions relating to her healing. One of her questions was how can someone best support a loved one who is recovering from a pornography addiction when they have a slip? Haydee passed this question on to me, and I thought I would post my answer here.

The first thing I need to make clear is that each person is different. The answers for how to show support for me will not be the same as how to show support for someone else, but there may be some similarities and that is why I am posting this.

Just like each addict is different, each loved one is also different and will have their own needs and things they are comfortable with. If something that would be helpful to me would make Haydee uncomfortable, I don't expect her to do it. I'm just stating that it would be nice if that happened.

Another thing to understand is that no one can help me recover except for the Savior. Giving support to a loved one with an addiction is not the same thing as trying to "fix" them or make their issues go away.

Now that all of the caveats are out of the way, how can a loved one best support me when I have a slip?

First, don't try to belittle or punish me. Nothing you can say is going to make me feel worse than I already do, but it may trigger my fight or flight mechanism. This leaves me in a more vulnerable state as I have spent many years turning to pornography when that is triggered.

Second, let me know that you still love me. I need to see this in actions as well as words. For me to feel love, I need physical intimacy. This does not mean sexual intimacy, but a hug or a touch on the arm can do amazing things to help me feel that I am OK even if my behavior has been less than what I would desire.

Finally, let me know that you appreciate the efforts I have been making. This will help me to see the progress I have made. Sometimes when I slip, I fail to look back and see how far I have come. It is important for me to remember that the person I am today is not the person I was before. The difference is in the efforts I have made. Help me remember this when I am feeling down after a slip.

I also want to mention that these suggestions are for supporting someone who is actively working on recovery. Someone who is actively pursuing the addiction will probably take these as license to continue in the destructive behavior. In that situation, please do whatever you need to protect yourself and your family.

Still Here and Still Working

It has been several months since I last posted. I just wanted to post a quick note to say that I am still here, and I am still working on my recovery. There are good days, and there are bad days. Thanks to the Lord, there are many more good days than bad.

I would like to share a thought from my recent scripture study. I have been studying in Isaiah. In Chapter 43, the Lord says to the House of Israel, "Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine." At this time, the Israelites have turned away from the Lord and are worshiping other gods. Still, the Lord calls them by name and calls them His. We have all turned away from the Lord in some way in our lives. I turned away from the Lord in a big way, but He still comforts me. I am still His. I have been redeemed by Him, and I have no need to fear.

You also have no need to fear. The Lord is there for you. He will help you and comfort you.