Sister To Sister..

Recently I was asked by a friend to share with the sisters in her ward any tips for navagating the healing process when a loved one is addicted to pornography.  Just sharing the letter I wrote, From one sister to another...

Dear Friend,

Last year I learned that my spouse had been dealing with a sex addiction most of the 16 years we have been married.  This last year, as I have traversed the mountains of adversity, I have felt a sweeping range of emotions.  Pain and loneliness.  Hope and joy.  Comfort and sorrow almost in the same breath.  I wanted today to share a few things that have helped me on my journey.

1.  I can only fix me--  Nothing I do or say can fix my spouse/loved one.  He must choose to allow the Savior to heal him.  I had to let go of the illusion that I am the center of the universe and that I have power to solve his problems if only I.... (fill in the blank).  I can only work on me and my issues.

2.  I have just as many issues as my spouse.. just not addiction issues.  My path to healing and forgiveness was just as important as my spouses'.  I needed the healing balm of our Savior's love just as much as he did. I need to rely on the Savior to guide my path just as much as my addict still does.  Don't deny yourself the blessings the Lord has for you because you feel like your pain is less important than getting someone else well.  Your loved one being  free from sin won't be enough-- it won't heal your relationship--  if you haven't done work to make the atonement a real part of your life.

3.  Even if things aren't fine, I can be fine.  In the midst of turmoil and distress, my Savior's love can send peace to my heart.  His love for me, and you, is infinite.  As I tap into His love, I know that everything will work out, even when it seems like everything is falling to pieces.  I can live righteously, raise a family in the gospel, and feel the power of the priesthood in my life through my reliance on the Savior no matter what anyone else chooses to do.

I do not doubt God's love for me.  I can not doubt God's love for my spouse.  I feel His love and His peace as He teaches me what forgiveness looks like and how charity suffereth long.  I feel joy in the knowledge of Christ's perfect love.  His love has cast out all my fear, pain and sorrow.

May Christ's love lift and strengthen you and your loved ones too.

Your sister,

Haydee

His Grace is Sufficient

I am continually amazed by the love my Savior has for me. No matter how often I fall, He is always there to help me back up and remind me of His love for me.

Over the past few days, I have had a desire to work on increasing my faith. This has involved studying Ether chapter 12 in order to understand more about faith. I have gained some valuable insights I have been studying. What I learned this morning, was not directly related to faith, but it was a powerful lesson for me.

Today I read verse 26:

And when I had said this, the Lord spake unto me, saying: Fools mock, but they shall mourn; and my grace is sufficient for the meek, that they shall take no advantage of your weakness; (Ether 12:26, italics added)

The phrase "my grace is sufficient for the meek" really stood out to me this morning. I pondered this phrase for a few minutes. Then, I felt a desire to look up the definitions of a couple of words to see if I could gain any deeper insight.

I started with the word meek. I didn't find any surprises, but the definition of "humbly patient" was a good reminder to me of the necessity for me to practice waiting on the Lord.

Next, I looked up the word sufficient. The first listed definition was exactly what I expected "adequate for the purpose; enough." The second definition is what really struck me "(of a condition) such that its existence leads to the occurrence of a given event or the existence of a given thing." This is amazing to me. The mere existence of the Lord's grace leads to eternal life for those who are humbly patient.

I often get caught up in Nephi's phrase "we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do" (2 Nephi 25:23). I look at this verse and think I have to be perfect and then Christ's Atonement will make up for the mistakes I made along the way to becoming perfect. That just isn't true. His grace is sufficient. My responsibility is to turn my life over to the Lord and wait on Him with humble patience.

I will never reach this goal of complete reliance on the Lord in this life, but that is ok. HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT!!!

The Blank Page

It's been a while since I wrote anything. The past 2 months have been difficult for me. I've had several slips over that time. At times I've wondered if I would ever get to a point where I am so immersed in recovery that every temptation or trigger would be seen for exactly what it is.

I find it easy to get down on myself whenever I make a mistake. I have a tendency to look back to the mistakes I have made in the past and think that I can never overcome them. The truth is I can 't overcome them on my own, but I do have the ultimate support system. I have a Savior who loves me and is deeply concerned with my individual welfare.

This point was brought to me again this morning. As I was preparing to do my daily planning sheet, I thought about all of the sheets I have filled out over the last months and how I still slipped. I noticed that my daily planning sheet was empty; a blank page. The thought came clearly to my mind that my life was like that. Each day is a blank page. I get to choose today to be who I want to be. Who I am today is not determined by what I did yesterday. I know I've written about this concept before, but evidently I still need to learn this lesson.

I know I can make it through today. That is all that matters. Tomorrow my page will be blank again.

Coming To Trust

I found a profoundly interesting scripture the other day.  I had been looking up scriptures about trusting the Lord, something I am continually working on, and found one in an unexpected area.

You know the story as well as I do.  Ruth and Naomi.  Ruth leaves her homeland to accompany Naomi into the land of Israel so that, "thy people shall be my people and thy God my God."  Ruth supports the two women by gleaning in the fields of Boaz.  After learning her history, Boaz treats Ruth kindly, extending the offer to drink and eat with his workers, and even to harvest among them.  Ruth questions his generosity and Boaz responded with words of commendation. (This is even before Ruth asks for his hand in marriage...)

The Lord recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the Lord God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust. (Ruth 2:12)

I love the imagery of that blessing, "under whose wings thou art come to trust."  Each leap of faith, each hardship endured, each prayer for guidance is a step leading us to full and complete trust in the Lord.  Trust is a process.  Each day our trust in the Lord can grow as we walk in His ways.

I love Nephi's lament-- have you heard it called that before?  Nephi is stressed out because he and his followers have to abandon their land and property to flee from Laman and Lemuel; his parents are dead.  Nephi lists his issues, struggles and problems then defers to the Lord:

I know in whom I have trusted.  My God hath been my support; he hath led me though mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.  He hath filled me with his love....
Oh Lord, I have trusted in thee and I shall trust in thee forever.

(2Nephi 4:19-21,34)

The more I look, the more I see this pattern.  List of all my problems; testimony of the blessings the Lord has poured out to those who trust him. Paul recounts the blessing and miracles received when people trusted and had faith in God (Hebrews 11).  Alma testifies to his son Helaman of his personal witness of the Lord's miraculous hand in healing his heart and leading him in the path of apostleship as he learned to trust the Lord (Alma 36-- I love verses 3 and 27).

Maybe I need to write my own account.  Here have been my problems and here is how the Lord has delivered me as I put my trust in Him.  I'm still coming to trust in His ability to deliver me, but even in that process of coming, I am learning, becoming, and growing.   His wings protect and cover me in my storms and guide me to the highest mountain peaks.  I shall trust in Him forever.

A Woman Who Arranges Things

One of my favorite musicals begins with the heroine describing herself, in song of course.

I have always been a woman who arranges things,
for the pleasure--and the profit--it derives.
I have always been a woman who arranges things,
like furniture and daffodils and lives.....

Just leave everything to me!

Dolly and I, we share a bond.  I like to be needed, to be doing, arranging and organizing.  Honestly, though, I  juggle way too many balls at once and I am always frustrated when I trip on some unexpected life event and one (or ten) balls come crashing to the ground.  So then as I pick myself back up and brush off the dust and gather up all the balls that went helter-skelter and start juggling them again.   I begin to worry about the other pebbles I might trip on.  So then I pull out my trusty map (a feat in itself with all those balls in the air), arrange/organize the path to avoid and circumvent all other pitfalls and chaos and continue on my way.

Really arranging or organizing or whatever you call it, is my coping method.  If it (meaning everything) is planned out then I can brush the worries aside and continue on my merry little path to perfection.  If I have wrapped my little brain around all the details and planned for contingencies, I am good to go and I can enjoy the ride.

The reality of life though is that I can't control it.  I can't plan it.  I can't organize it.  I keep trying to, but life-- and the lives of my family can't be systematically formulated to ensure the smooth sailing that I really, REALLY want.

When I melted down about not being able to plan, control, or formulate minute details as a child, my mom would smile and in a grim tone offer the only suggestion she had, "Give it up for Lent."  Give up my worry, give up my control.  Give it to God. Let Him carry the load and the burden of worry and stress.  Be present, aware and let it go.

I've practiced that recently.  My family is at a crossroads right now.  Employment, housing, and life change is imminent-- or maybe not.  I wanted to see my path; to plan and organize and prepare for the changes that are (or maybe are not) coming.  The stress was eating at me-- what was the path?  which one to take?  where?  when?  I wanted to yell at God and say, "Just tell me how high and how far and I will jump, leap or even pirouette, just TELL ME!!!!"

In His loving kindness He was silent.  He let me choose to wait and trust.  He patiently waited for me to kneel and hand him my juggling balls.  He is carrying my load, my stress, my worries.  My task is to wait patiently for his hand to be made manifest in my life.  I kind of like not having to multi-task while juggling all those worries.  I am at peace.  I am content with today.

Advice for a Teenager Struggling with Addiction

I had a meeting with my Bishop last night. During the interview, he asked me what advice I would give to a teenager who is struggling with pornography and sexual addiction. I was not prepared to answer that question. As I though about it, the first thing that came to mind was that the teenager needs to talk to someone about what is going on. After all, we all know this addiction thrives on secrecy and lies.

As a follow up question, the Bishop asked if I would advise them to talk to their parents. I really struggled with this question. Looking back at my teenage years, there is no way I would have told my parents. Knowing myself, any negative reaction at all from my parents would have driven me further into the addiction. I would have felt I could never tell anyone again about what was going on. On the other hand, a loving response from my parents may have helped me to find recovery earlier in my life and may have kept the addiction from sinking so deep.

As an adult, I would definitely say the dealing with any possible anger or negative reaction from my parents would be better than the years of silent suffering on my own. I'm not sure I would have understood that as a teenager though.

The more I think about it, the more I think my answer would be to seek the guidance of the spirit. While all of our stories are very similar, each individual circumstance is unique. I don't think there is a single answer that fits every situation.

The one thing that is common is that we all have a Father in Heaven and a Savior who love us. They want us to be happy and to return to them. They will always respond to us with love and kindness and encouragement as long as we are striving to put our lives in accordance with their will for us.

I'm sure others have thought about this question, so I'm going to put it out here for others to answer also. What advice would you want to give to a teenager who is struggling with pornography and sexual addiction?

Manipulation and Lies I Tell Myself

I felt a new (to me) emotion the other day.  Nausea, icky, dirty.  Need to run to the shower and clean myself.  It wasn't stomach flu, it was a reaction to the realization that I was being manipulated.  I had felt the something is not right, icky stomach before, but never my whole body feeling ill, emotionally distressed, and frankly not ok.

I work with kids with special problems-- kids who can not and do not fit in the regular school system.  One child in particular is very charming.  I knew that and thought my boundaries were up, but he got in and little by little started pushing my limits, with smiles and witty comments and more eye contact than usual.  My head said, wow he is really practicing good manners today.  My emotions said, wait, why, what is going on.  I looked back on the day and time after time he had broken minor rules and all I had seen was the smile.  I felt ill, used and manipulated-- and frankly nervous to go back and work with him the next day.

So I have spent the past few days working out my feelings about being manipulated and why that is such a huge deal for me.  I grew up being manipulated.  I grew up knowing that life -- even family life -- is a game and if you want anything you have to play the game and be what someone else wants you to be.  Then they are happy and life is easier.  It doesn't matter what you want or what you feel, just do what it takes to keep peace.  Even now I feel the pressure to be what I am expected to be.  Perfect.  And by perfect, I mean what someone else thinks perfect is.

What I am learning from this...  The voices in my head aren't real.  They are programming put in place while I was growing up telling me what is real, correct and good.  I can choose to accept or reject this scripting at any time. They only define me as much as I choose to let them.

On the other hand, my feelings are real.  My feelings are a reaction to what is happening in my head and around me.  Sometimes they conflict with the voice in my head.  Anxiety is just my heart telling my head something and my head not accepting the feeling as real.  Stress is my head and my heart arguing about what I ought to be doing with my time and my head telling me I need to be/do more. 

I'm not quite sure what will change with this new realization.  Maybe acceptance of who I am.  Hopefully acceptance of those around me who are just playing out the script in their head.  The ability to discern what really is.  I'll keep you posted.