Friday, March 14, 2014

A Woman Who Arranges Things

One of my favorite musicals begins with the heroine describing herself, in song of course.

I have always been a woman who arranges things,
for the pleasure--and the profit--it derives.
I have always been a woman who arranges things,
like furniture and daffodils and lives.....

Just leave everything to me!

Dolly and I, we share a bond.  I like to be needed, to be doing, arranging and organizing.  Honestly, though, I  juggle way too many balls at once and I am always frustrated when I trip on some unexpected life event and one (or ten) balls come crashing to the ground.  So then as I pick myself back up and brush off the dust and gather up all the balls that went helter-skelter and start juggling them again.   I begin to worry about the other pebbles I might trip on.  So then I pull out my trusty map (a feat in itself with all those balls in the air), arrange/organize the path to avoid and circumvent all other pitfalls and chaos and continue on my way.

Really arranging or organizing or whatever you call it, is my coping method.  If it (meaning everything) is planned out then I can brush the worries aside and continue on my merry little path to perfection.  If I have wrapped my little brain around all the details and planned for contingencies, I am good to go and I can enjoy the ride.

The reality of life though is that I can't control it.  I can't plan it.  I can't organize it.  I keep trying to, but life-- and the lives of my family can't be systematically formulated to ensure the smooth sailing that I really, REALLY want.

When I melted down about not being able to plan, control, or formulate minute details as a child, my mom would smile and in a grim tone offer the only suggestion she had, "Give it up for Lent."  Give up my worry, give up my control.  Give it to God. Let Him carry the load and the burden of worry and stress.  Be present, aware and let it go.

I've practiced that recently.  My family is at a crossroads right now.  Employment, housing, and life change is imminent-- or maybe not.  I wanted to see my path; to plan and organize and prepare for the changes that are (or maybe are not) coming.  The stress was eating at me-- what was the path?  which one to take?  where?  when?  I wanted to yell at God and say, "Just tell me how high and how far and I will jump, leap or even pirouette, just TELL ME!!!!"

In His loving kindness He was silent.  He let me choose to wait and trust.  He patiently waited for me to kneel and hand him my juggling balls.  He is carrying my load, my stress, my worries.  My task is to wait patiently for his hand to be made manifest in my life.  I kind of like not having to multi-task while juggling all those worries.  I am at peace.  I am content with today.

1 comment:

  1. This reminds me of Pres Monson's talk where he says the only constant thing is change. Change is so hard and it is equally hard to turn it over the Lord and trust Him to take it and then trust in the result! I love what you wrote at the end, it's so true.