Pain and Comfort

This past weekend was exceedingly difficult for me. I was completely overwhelmed with everything that I have to do. I felt completely inadequate to be able to keep up with work, school (I'm currently working on a Master's Degree), church callings, and family responsibilities. Add to that counselling and group therapy sessions, and I just couldn't see how it was possible to do everything. I also know that I can't really cut out anything from this list. I have to work to be able to support my family, I know that finishing my degree is something the Lord wants me to do, church callings are important in blessing my life and the lives of those I serve, I need to develop better relationships with my wife and with my children, and counselling and group are essential to my recovery.

I know these are not uncommon, and many people have much more on their plates than I do, but for some reason I was completely overwhelmed to the point of feeling excruciating pain and how much I have to do and how incapable I am of doing it all. This all added up to emotional pain such as I have never felt before. I can't even begin to describe how much this hurt.

I think that pretty much covers the pain part of this post, but what about the comfort part?

Through this experience, I received two types of comfort. The first comfort came in the realization that no matter how bad I felt, I would rather experience that pain than try to mask it with my addictive behaviors. This is a huge breakthrough for me because one of the major components of my addiction was using it to dull the pain I felt from life. Through this experience, I learned that I would rather feel pain in the moment than try to mask it and deal with the consequences of addictive behavior on myself and my family.

The second source of comfort came as I was finally able to come through the pain I was feeling. This comfort came from the Holy Ghost whispering to my hear that I can't do everything I have been asked to do on my own, but I was never asked to do it on my own. I have been asked to do these things by a loving Father in Heaven and He will provide the help I need to be able to complete them. Just like I spent many years trying to overcome my addiction on my own and was never successful, but once I was humble enough to allow the Lord to help me, I started to have success. This is obviously a lesson that I need to learn again. I am not capable of doing anything on my own, but in the strength of the Lord, I can do all things.

Taking Time To Be Well

I has been almost 2 months since I sat down to write.  Crazy, wonderful, insanely busy months where I learned so much about myself.


I learned that I need to allow myself to truly rest-- mentally, physically and emotionally.  That pushing myself did no favors for myself or my family.  I need to rest and reset my mind multiple times a day.  It is ok to not accomplish something (workout, dinner, cleaning, reading) and instead find peace in my mind.

I learned that what I put in my mouth affects my mental and emotional stability.  Choosing to only eat really GOOD FOR ME food allows my body to function optimally.  Functioning optimally allows me to love and care for my family and myself better.

At the gym, I heard a coach compliment a woman saying, "she treats her body like an athlete," and I understand it now.  Athletes use extreme care in nourishing and exercising their bodies-- their body is their livelihood.  My body is worth caring for.  My body is the tool with which I accomplish my life's mission.  My body is the tool my Heavenly Father uses when he needs to serve someone.  My body is worth the effort of eating well.

I am worth the effort.  My health and wellness is worth finding time to be silent.  My health and wellness is worth making time to be still.  My health and wellness is worth the effort is takes to say no to cookies and yes to spinach.

I am worth it.

On to the Victory!

I have been struggling the past few weeks with what to write. I've had a few ideas but nothing seemed to feel right. Then, this morning it came to me.

First, a little background. Recently, I've been feeling the need to work on my family history. I haven't really worked on it for several years. Along with that, as I was trying to decide what to study in the scriptures this week, I really felt impressed to study Doctrine and Covenants section 128. This is a section specifically talking about baptism for the dead.

In my study this morning, I came across a verse encouraging us in our efforts in redeeming the dead, but I also saw an application to recovery work:

Brethren, shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory! Let your hearts rejoice, and be exceedingly glad. Let the earth break forth into singing ... for the prisoners shall go free. (D&C 128:22)

Is not recovery from the plague of addiction for ourselves and our loved ones a great cause? Should we not be going forward in this work each day? We should rejoice and be glad because we will go free from our prisons.

I know I have been in prison. I have been in a prison of my own making due to the choices I have made. Now, I am breaking free from this prison. I am not completely free, and I may never be completely free in this life. I still have struggles. There are still days when it is incredibly difficult, but those days are not holding me back from my progression. Those days are a reminder of where I have come from and where I am right now.

My challenge each day is to go forward and not backward. I can learn from the past, but I cannot change it. Change only comes by moving forward.

With this in mind, we should all be prepared to move on to the victory!

To the Wives of Addicts from an Addict

In my study this morning, I read this "O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted!" (3 Nephi 22:11). My first thought when I read this is that it is a perfect description of someone who is dealing with the addiction of a loved one. As I continued to think on this, I began to understand more about how many ways we, as addicts, contribute to your affliction. I thought about how we add to the tempests in your life and how we are not there to comfort you when you need it. With that in mind, I would like to offer my apologies.

First, I am sorry for all of the lies. You willingly gave yourselves to us. You deserve for us to give you ourselves in return. Instead, you got a bunch of lies and half-truths. We lied to you from the beginning. In fact, we lied to you so many times, we began to believe some of those lies, but the reality is that none of them were true. We were lying to ourselves at the same time we were lying to you.

I am also sorry for the damage we have done to your self-worth. We should have been the ones building you up. We should have been your best support. Instead, by our words and actions you made you feel like you weren't good enough, pretty enough, sexy enough, or any number of ways we made you feel like your worth was less than it really is. The truth is you are daughters of God. Your worth is infinite and eternal, and we have no right to make you feel that you are less than you truly are.

I'm sorry for the separation we have caused. You are our wives. You are the ones we should be most involved with, but due to our choices, we have caused an emotional separation between us and you. We have been withdrawn from you when you needed to feel closeness. We have kept a part of ourselves back from you when we covenanted to give our whole selves to you.

I am sorry for not supporting you. You depend on us to help you and lift you, but our addiction has held us back. When you needed us most, we were not there for you either physically, because we were in the midst of acting out in our addiction, or emotionally, because we were dealing with the internal turmoil created by our actions.

I know this is not a complete list of the many ways we have harmed you, but please accept this sincere attempt from one addict to begin the process of repairing the damage we have done. You are truly angels in our lives. We do not deserve your love and goodness, and you do not deserve the torment we have put you through. This may not always be clear to us when we are in the depths of our addiction, but in our moments of clarity, we recognize how wonderful you are and how much we have come to rely on you for our strength.

I would like to leave you with the words of Isaiah that come just a few verses after where I started today. "In righteousness shalt thou be established" (3 Nephi 22:14). You are simply amazing. You will be exalted because of your righteousness, and I hope that we come to our senses and join you on that journey.

Dailies

When I first started to recognize my addiction, I started to read as much as I could find. Some of the greatest sources of comfort to me were the blogs of other LDS addicts and their spouses. One of the concepts that I kept reading about but didn't really understand was the concept of "Dailies".

As I got into a recovery program, I began to understand that dailies are the things we do each day in order to overcome our addiction. Even at this point, I still did not truly understand the concept of dailies. In fact, I am still learning more about this each day.

I started with a daily routine of prayer and scripture study. I later added meditation and a daily planning session to set goals for the day. The problem was, I was doing these things as a method of fighting against my addiction. The problem is that fighting against this addiction does not work.

The further I get into recovery, the more I understand that the battle over my addiction has already been fought and won. I was never even a participant in this battle. The battle over my addiction was won by my Savior, Jesus Christ, through the power of His infinite Atonement.

My daily routine is not a matter of fighting the battle. It is a matter of choosing which side I am on. I place myself on the side of the victor or of the defeated by my actions each day. This is a choice I have to make every day. That is what the concept of dailies means to me now.

I study my scriptures each day because I love my Savior and I want to be closer to Him. I pray each day to develop a relationship with my Father in heaven. I meditate each day to train my mind to focus on those things which are of the greatest importance and to teach me to give my full attention to the promptings of the Holy Ghost. I set goals each day to help me move in the direction I want to go to be able to return to live with those I love and am learning to love more each day.

The wonderful thing about this is that, as I turn my life to my Father and my Savior in this manner, I am supported and sustained by them. I am able to withstand the challenges that face me each day because I choose to put myself on their side.

My Children Will Doubt Not That Their Mother Knew It

It has been a while since General Conference, but one talk hasn't left my mind.  I keep hearing the theme repeated over and over. Maybe I ought to learn something.   It is time to write it down.

Edmond and I watched General Conference with a prayer in our hearts, desiring to know how we can lead out in the fight against pornography.  What is it that the Lord needs us to do and be?  Interestingly our answers were a little different-- we are different people after all.  Edmond needed to do something, and I needed to understand something.  And I keep hearing it....

I'll admit, I went into conference ready to and willing to rally the troops, take a stand and go big or go home.  I am (and have always been) an action oriented lady.  Let me get in there and roll up my sleeves and get it done!  Show me that wheel and I will push it along and invite everyone else to join me too!

Elder Scott's talk, Personal Strength Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, touched my heart and my mind and helped me understand how my efforts need to be directed.  Do you remember his talk?  Elder Scott related the conversion and subsequent dilemma faced by the people of Ammon.

After their conversion, the people of Ammon abandoned the weapons of their rebellion and covenanted to never again take up weapons.  The Nephites offered protection to the converts during a long and brutal war.  But Nephite army began to suffer and the people of Ammon considered taking up the weapons of war again to defend their people.

Elder Scott explains

The people of Ammon were at a critical moment of their spiritual lives. They had been true to their covenant never to take up arms. But they understood that fathers are responsible to provide protection to their families. That need seemed great enough to merit consideration of breaking their covenant.

Their wise priesthood leader, Helaman, knew that breaking a covenant with the Lord is never justified. He offered an inspired alternative. He reminded them that their sons had never been guilty of the same sins and therefore had not needed to make the same covenant. Though the sons were very young, they were physically strong and, more important, they were virtuous and pure. The sons were fortified by the faith of their mothers.  Under the direction of their prophet-leader, these young men took their fathers’ place in defense of their families and homes.

Our beloved husbands and fathers are like the converted men in this story.  They have been "a wild and a hardened ” people (Alma 17:4).  Their addiction to lust is as powerful and destructive as the Ammonties' addiction to blood and carnage.  But like the Ammonites, they have covenanted and are covenanting to leave behind forever the weapons of their rebellion and follow the Lord at all cost.

And the cost is high.  Our families are under attack.  Enemies seen and unseen are seeking out the souls of our children.  Who is left to defend the family?  I love Elder Scott's empathy,
 

Consider the tender feelings of those fathers. How must they have felt to know that the rebellious actions of their past prevented them from protecting their wives and children at that moment of need? Knowing personally of the atrocities their sons would now face, they must have privately wept. Fathers, not children, are supposed to protect their families! Their sorrows must have been intense....

However, sometimes our poor choices leave us with long-term consequences. One of the vital steps to complete repentance is to bear the short- and long-term consequences of our past sins. Their past choices had exposed these Ammonite fathers to a carnal appetite that could again become a point of vulnerability that Satan would attempt to exploit.

Satan will try to use our memory of any previous guilt to lure us back into his influence. We must be ever vigilant to avoid his enticements. Such was the case of the faithful Ammonite fathers. Even after their years of faithful living, it was imperative for them to protect themselves spiritually from any attraction to the memory of past sins.

At times I wish more men would join in the battle against pornography.  They know the devastating damage first hand.  But this talk helped me understand how Satan might use the battle to destroy and hurt men on the mend.  Elder Scott taught of the Ammonites,

Their humble, lifelong commitment to forsaking their sins did more to protect their families than anything they could have done on the battlefield. Their submission did not deprive them of blessings. It strengthened them and blessed them and blessed future generations.

Our men and our families must be fortified.  We must help build the fortifications that will protect and nurture and stregthen the rising generation who will face the enemy.  Elder Scott spoke of the righteous influence of women-- the mothers of the Stripling Warriors.  

Elder Scott clearly taught that, "their sons, who were blessed with righteous traditions, were not as vulnerable to the same temptations. They were able to defend their families faithfully without compromising their spiritual well-being."   "The sons were fortified by the faith of their mothers."  As I send off my sons and daughters into battle, I feel confident.  They know that I KNOW!  They doubt not my faith.

What better fortification can we build than the shield of faith?

Elder Scott taught,

Though the sons fought in fierce battles where all received at least some injury, not one life was lost. The young men proved to be a vital boost to the weary Nephite army. They were faithful and spiritually stronger when they returned home. Their families were blessed, protected, and strengthened.

Undoubtedly, our sons and daughters will fight fierce battles and be injured.  But their faith will grow strong and they will see miracles.   They will succeed where we can't.  They are the hope.  They will fight to protect the family and their fathers.

So where should my efforts lie in the fight against pornography.  I must fortify my family-- and all I love-- my biological sons and daughters and the sons and daughters I teach and love.  I must teach powerfully.  I must prepare my sons to face the atrocities of battle with faith the the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that He will deliver them and give them victory.  They must be surrounded and enveloped with love and hope and faith so they will have no cause to doubt.  They will KNOW that I KNOW!

A Secret Sign

Today has been glorious and not so glorious all at the same time.

Sick child at home (threw up last night and I slept through it!) means I get to play hookey from work-- and help the now feeling fine and energetic child find something to occupy themselves-- besides tv and video games.

No work means time to write and think and chat with friends I haven't had time to catch up with lately.  All glorious.

But sad.  As I confided in a good friend about the struggle this year has been in our marriage and the amazing blessings the Lord has poured into our family and home, tears welled up in her eyes because that is the same struggle she has been facing too.  The battle with porn has left its mark on my friend.

How would I have known?  How could she have known?  Women who see and love each other and share so much but leave so much of the heartbreak unsaid.  It's understandable of course.  It's not my sin.  It's not my problem.  It is not mine to embarrass or unveil my Edmond's problems in the eyes of the world-- even if it is my own small area of the globe.  And thankfully Edmond doesn't feel like my discussing my problems with his pron addiction is "outing" his secret.  But I still don't feel like I can walk into a group setting and outright talk about the issues I face.

I know I am not the only woman facing these same challenges in my neighborhood.  Blogs are great.  But they are still filtered, edited, and not the fully raw emotion.  There is something about crying with a friend and sharing tears of empathy that heals the soul.  There is something to knowing that a person you KNOW is going through the same muck that makes it more bearable... at least you can make a joke and they understand, or a comment that will not be taken the wrong way.

I remember the day Edmond told me.  I called a dear friend to talk.  She listened and she loved.  But she had no clue.  It took months for me to find a friend (one that I already had) who had experienced the same thing.  And now 8 months later, I know 3 women personally whose spouses have porn issues- this morning it was 2.  There has got to be a better way to support the women around us who bear this unspoken burden.

I am reminded of the story of the first Christians in the Roman Empire.  They lived in secrecy never knowing who among them shared their belief.  They developed a secret sign to distinguish themselves.  When they met someone they would draw half the outline of a fish in the sand with their toe.  If the person responded by finishing the figure, they each knew they were believers.

photo credit: teejaybee via photopin cc

Half a heart will be my sign.  Finish my heart and I will know you know.  I will know you share burdens and heartbreak.  I'll know that your heart is being healed just like mine is through the Atonement of Christ and His Love.  Christ's love is answer for each women of faith who turns to the Savoir.  

It will be His love that heals our homes and families.

photo credit: Miriam Cardoso de Souza via photopin cc