Manipulation and Lies I Tell Myself

I felt a new (to me) emotion the other day.  Nausea, icky, dirty.  Need to run to the shower and clean myself.  It wasn't stomach flu, it was a reaction to the realization that I was being manipulated.  I had felt the something is not right, icky stomach before, but never my whole body feeling ill, emotionally distressed, and frankly not ok.

I work with kids with special problems-- kids who can not and do not fit in the regular school system.  One child in particular is very charming.  I knew that and thought my boundaries were up, but he got in and little by little started pushing my limits, with smiles and witty comments and more eye contact than usual.  My head said, wow he is really practicing good manners today.  My emotions said, wait, why, what is going on.  I looked back on the day and time after time he had broken minor rules and all I had seen was the smile.  I felt ill, used and manipulated-- and frankly nervous to go back and work with him the next day.

So I have spent the past few days working out my feelings about being manipulated and why that is such a huge deal for me.  I grew up being manipulated.  I grew up knowing that life -- even family life -- is a game and if you want anything you have to play the game and be what someone else wants you to be.  Then they are happy and life is easier.  It doesn't matter what you want or what you feel, just do what it takes to keep peace.  Even now I feel the pressure to be what I am expected to be.  Perfect.  And by perfect, I mean what someone else thinks perfect is.

What I am learning from this...  The voices in my head aren't real.  They are programming put in place while I was growing up telling me what is real, correct and good.  I can choose to accept or reject this scripting at any time. They only define me as much as I choose to let them.

On the other hand, my feelings are real.  My feelings are a reaction to what is happening in my head and around me.  Sometimes they conflict with the voice in my head.  Anxiety is just my heart telling my head something and my head not accepting the feeling as real.  Stress is my head and my heart arguing about what I ought to be doing with my time and my head telling me I need to be/do more. 

I'm not quite sure what will change with this new realization.  Maybe acceptance of who I am.  Hopefully acceptance of those around me who are just playing out the script in their head.  The ability to discern what really is.  I'll keep you posted.

One More Day

Recently, Haydee, reminded me that we are coming close to the one year anniversary of my confession to her. She asked me if I wanted to do anything special to celebrate the progress and healing that have been found in the past year. My response to her was "No, I don't want to do anything special to celebrate that day." I wanted to take some time to explain some of my reasons for not wanting to celebrate.

First, confessing to my wife and then to our bishop was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I had to bring myself to total humility in order to make a full confession of all I had done and the damage I had caused. This was the day I finally turned to the Lord and said, "I don't want to fight this alone any more. I am too weak to do this on my own. I will do whatever you ask of me, but please help me." The love and strength I received from the Lord that day, and that continue today, are more than I could have ever hoped for. The experience is much too sacred to me to celebrate in any ordinary manner.

Second, I have come to more fully appreciate the power of today. I have come to understand that I can easily fall back into the trap of pornography by dwelling on my past mistakes. At the same time, dwelling on past successes can lull me into a false sense of security. The only way for me to stay in a state of recovery is to focus completely on today. I can look back to remember the darkness and remind myself why I don't want to go back there. I can also look forward with a hope in the future, but my focus and energies must be on today and the things I need to do right now.

Finally, the only way I have been able to make it to the point I am at now, is through the power of the Atonement of Christ. The only thing for me to celebrate is the glory of my Lord and Savior. I have done nothing to merit any honor. I will celebrate the mercy of my Lord for pulling me out of the abyss into which I had cast myself, but I can claim no privilege in the rescue.

So, with that, here's to one more day in the Lord. May it be a day that finds all of us engaged with the Lord in the work of salvation for ourselves and those around us.

Relying on the Lord's Love

I happen to be a terrific, fantastic and wonderful person-- or at least I remind myself that I am-- and that is the image I try to present to the world-- an amazingly accomplished woman.  But really on the inside I feel afraid of others' judgments, afraid of being insignificant, afraid of being wrong and doing wrong, afraid of disappointing others.  Afraid.  I reaffirm to myself that I am "good enough, smart enough, and gosh dang it, people like me!"  But offered criticism, advice or even an opposing opinion, my natural reaction is to do a complete internal self-evaluation and to second guess my judgment or actions.

Through Edmond's addiction recovery, I felt profoundly God's love for him.  I know that God loves Edmond, a wonderful man who has sinned, so why do I doubt His love for me and believe the put-downs I tell myself.  In my meditations I state, "I am a powerful witness of God's intense and enduring love."  Do I remember that His love is for me as well?

Reflecting on this pattern,  I remind myself I am relying on the arm of flesh and not on my Redeemer!  (Even that feels like a slap in the face... Man I have got to be better, do better...)

I have been thinking a lot about what it really means to rely on the Lord.  What does healthy reliance look like; how does one act if one is relying on the Lord.  I loved the suggestions of Edwin Crozier in his sermon 5 Ways to Rely on God's Strength to Beat your Giants.  The idea that resonated with me was to walk in God's presence, by inviting the Lord to walk beside you each day.  Talking to the Lord about all that you are doing and how you feel about it.  The constant prayer in your heart to keep His presence in your memory.  He says,

Talk with Him while you go through your day. Share what you are about to do. Ask Him to help with the decisions you are about to make. Follow-up with thanks for blessings that occur. If you fall, talk to Him about why it happened. This helps because it’s hard to gossip about your co-worker if you begin by asking God if He thinks it’s okay. It’s hard to look down a woman’s flapping shirt if you first run it by God to see what He thinks about it.

I would add as a reminder to myself, talk to Him about why He loves you.  Talk to him about why you feel down about yourself.  Talk to him about your plans, your diet, your choices, your failures (cooking and otherwise) and ask him to reassure you of his love.  God's love, charity, never faileth.

Trust in the Lord

One thing I struggle with is allowing others to help me. I am naturally a person who likes to do things myself. This trait was reinforced as I was growing up because I never really had anyone I could turn to for help when I needed it. My family was constantly moving. We were never in one place long enough to develop any kind of relationship with teachers or church leaders. I never even felt like I could go to my parents for help.

One of the tragic consequences of this mindset is that I also never learned to turn to the Lord for help when I needed it. I always felt like I had to do everything on my own.

As part of my recovery, I am trying to learn how to rely more on the Lord (I say trying because I'm not sure it's fully sinking in yet). I have had this on my mind over the past few days. As I have been thinking about it, a couple of scriptures have come to mind.

The first is the response of the people of King Benjamin to his teachings:

And they all cried with one voice, saying: Yea, we believe all the words which thou hast spoken unto us; and also, we know of their surety and truth, because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually. (Mosiah 5:2)

 The people of King Benjamin did not change their hearts. It was the Spirit of the Lord which did the changing. The people had to allow the Holy Ghost to work in their hearts for this change to take place. They could not do it for themselves.

The second scripture that has come to mind is the account of Christ in Gethsemane as recorded by Luke:

41 And he was withdrawn from them about a stone’s cast, and kneeled down, and prayed,

 42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.

 43 And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him. (Luke 22:41-43)

Even Christ needed a little extra strength and encouragement. If He could not do it completely on His own, what makes me think that I can do anything on my own.

The reality is that I can't do it on my own. I need the strength of my Lord and Savior. He is the one I must put my trust in. I cannot trust in myself.

Pain and Comfort

This past weekend was exceedingly difficult for me. I was completely overwhelmed with everything that I have to do. I felt completely inadequate to be able to keep up with work, school (I'm currently working on a Master's Degree), church callings, and family responsibilities. Add to that counselling and group therapy sessions, and I just couldn't see how it was possible to do everything. I also know that I can't really cut out anything from this list. I have to work to be able to support my family, I know that finishing my degree is something the Lord wants me to do, church callings are important in blessing my life and the lives of those I serve, I need to develop better relationships with my wife and with my children, and counselling and group are essential to my recovery.

I know these are not uncommon, and many people have much more on their plates than I do, but for some reason I was completely overwhelmed to the point of feeling excruciating pain and how much I have to do and how incapable I am of doing it all. This all added up to emotional pain such as I have never felt before. I can't even begin to describe how much this hurt.

I think that pretty much covers the pain part of this post, but what about the comfort part?

Through this experience, I received two types of comfort. The first comfort came in the realization that no matter how bad I felt, I would rather experience that pain than try to mask it with my addictive behaviors. This is a huge breakthrough for me because one of the major components of my addiction was using it to dull the pain I felt from life. Through this experience, I learned that I would rather feel pain in the moment than try to mask it and deal with the consequences of addictive behavior on myself and my family.

The second source of comfort came as I was finally able to come through the pain I was feeling. This comfort came from the Holy Ghost whispering to my hear that I can't do everything I have been asked to do on my own, but I was never asked to do it on my own. I have been asked to do these things by a loving Father in Heaven and He will provide the help I need to be able to complete them. Just like I spent many years trying to overcome my addiction on my own and was never successful, but once I was humble enough to allow the Lord to help me, I started to have success. This is obviously a lesson that I need to learn again. I am not capable of doing anything on my own, but in the strength of the Lord, I can do all things.

Taking Time To Be Well

I has been almost 2 months since I sat down to write.  Crazy, wonderful, insanely busy months where I learned so much about myself.


I learned that I need to allow myself to truly rest-- mentally, physically and emotionally.  That pushing myself did no favors for myself or my family.  I need to rest and reset my mind multiple times a day.  It is ok to not accomplish something (workout, dinner, cleaning, reading) and instead find peace in my mind.

I learned that what I put in my mouth affects my mental and emotional stability.  Choosing to only eat really GOOD FOR ME food allows my body to function optimally.  Functioning optimally allows me to love and care for my family and myself better.

At the gym, I heard a coach compliment a woman saying, "she treats her body like an athlete," and I understand it now.  Athletes use extreme care in nourishing and exercising their bodies-- their body is their livelihood.  My body is worth caring for.  My body is the tool with which I accomplish my life's mission.  My body is the tool my Heavenly Father uses when he needs to serve someone.  My body is worth the effort of eating well.

I am worth the effort.  My health and wellness is worth finding time to be silent.  My health and wellness is worth making time to be still.  My health and wellness is worth the effort is takes to say no to cookies and yes to spinach.

I am worth it.

On to the Victory!

I have been struggling the past few weeks with what to write. I've had a few ideas but nothing seemed to feel right. Then, this morning it came to me.

First, a little background. Recently, I've been feeling the need to work on my family history. I haven't really worked on it for several years. Along with that, as I was trying to decide what to study in the scriptures this week, I really felt impressed to study Doctrine and Covenants section 128. This is a section specifically talking about baptism for the dead.

In my study this morning, I came across a verse encouraging us in our efforts in redeeming the dead, but I also saw an application to recovery work:

Brethren, shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory! Let your hearts rejoice, and be exceedingly glad. Let the earth break forth into singing ... for the prisoners shall go free. (D&C 128:22)

Is not recovery from the plague of addiction for ourselves and our loved ones a great cause? Should we not be going forward in this work each day? We should rejoice and be glad because we will go free from our prisons.

I know I have been in prison. I have been in a prison of my own making due to the choices I have made. Now, I am breaking free from this prison. I am not completely free, and I may never be completely free in this life. I still have struggles. There are still days when it is incredibly difficult, but those days are not holding me back from my progression. Those days are a reminder of where I have come from and where I am right now.

My challenge each day is to go forward and not backward. I can learn from the past, but I cannot change it. Change only comes by moving forward.

With this in mind, we should all be prepared to move on to the victory!